I don't give a shit!

I gave my parents yet another chance to acknowledge and compliment my weightloss and yet again ... they refused!! ... this time I actually showed them a certificate awarded to me by weight watchers congratulating me on losing 15kg. Their comments consisted of "oh okay" That's it??? "oh okay???" No 'fantastic, well done, we're proud of you, great work, you look stunning' nope ... nothing ... just 'oh okay' I was and still am totally pissed!!! No matter what I do or achieve in life they refuse to give any possitive feedback whatsoever and it really annoys the shit out of me!!!
And to top it off my daughter let it slip to my mother that "I go outside for a cigerette". Her reaction was a horrified one. You have to understand my parents... we are talking about strict pastors here, lifelong christians. As stupid as this sounds and I hate admitting it ... I am nearly 30 yrs old and still feel the need to be accepted by my parents. I hate it ... it feels like a noose around my neck!! I have never had the acceptance especially from my mother. I was always the ugly duckling of the family with the older more talented, skinnier, brainier sister who successfully studied to become a wealthy accountant. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and she has done nothing wrong in this situation, it is totally my mothers doing. I was never good enough for her, never recieved any words of encouragement or acceptance. I know they loved me from their provisions. I was clothed, fed and given birthday presents etc but was never told how good I did anything, never told "I love you and am proud of you" NEVER!. I don't usually wallow in this thought choosing to ignore it and put it behind me, focusing instead on my wonderfully encouraging husband who loves me to bits!! But some days it just gets to me.
I have always been too scared to tell my parents that I smoke... infact have been smoking for 10yrs now. Not heavily but that is the way I relieve my stress, my time out. My mother scorned me ... saying how bad it was, expensive and don't ever put that stuff in your system, it kills you ... blah blah blah. What made me sick in this whole conversation was the fact that she is severly obese (around 140kg/308lbs) and is diabetic yet still feeds her face with sugary cakes and fatty foods. In my eyes that is just as bad as the occasional cigerette. It makes me so angry with christianity, it is such a HUGE sin to smoke... sometimes it seems worse than lieing, stealing or even murder. A smoker is doomed to go to hell. I am not hurting anyone, nor wrongly effecting anyones lives... it's just my way of saying ... hey Im not coping, I need to get out of here for 10mins and chill out.
Part of me is reilived that the secret is out but I am still angry as ever that I let them control my life so much. I honestly dont think it will ever change until the day they die. I got stressed out today that I just wanted to eat, eat, eat!!! The first time I have felt that out of control with eating in a very long time(since I started ww 5mths ago). I managed to stop after 10 chips... just! I big success... but sometimes I wonder why I am doing this ... why am I trying to succeed? Who am I trying to please? My husband loves me the way I am and there is no way in hell my parents are EVER going to accept me, no matter how skinny I am... so why bother? This has really shocked me into a self doubt phase... made me look at my motivation and reasons for trying to get where I am going. I didnt ever think it was for my parents acceptance but maybe it really was, deep down. Otherwise I wouldnt be feeling like this.
Eating for today ... (as best as I could estimate)
cereal & milk 2pts, sushi 2pts, rice chips 4pts, potato 1pt, tomato sauce 0.5pts, potato chips 2pts, bread 2pts, lite cream cheese 1pt, asparagas 0pts, lite dip 2pts, peas 0pt, vege sticks 0pt, lite icecream 2.5pts, fruit salad 1pt, birthday cake 4pts, ww jelly 0pts
Total 24pts (2 saved pts used/ 1.5pts left in bank)
Water 6 glasses (one good thing for today)
Exercise - 45mins gym workout (another good thing) 5pts
Total 12 bonus points saved
I dont really give a shit!
Lyn