It's gone up another level ...

The friendly challenge has now morphed itself into a full on watch your back all out war!!! The gap is getting closer and I'm about to pass the hare. But the hare is sneaky, he's trying all sorts of tricks but the smart tortoise won't fall for his sneaky traps.

He made me a wonderful breakfast in bed this morning. I had to interigate him before taking my first mouthful to check no fat had been injected into it! After finally assessing the scene was safe I thanked him and got stuck into my vegetable omelette. And it was devine! On complaining how full I was and leaving a third of it on my plate a sly smirk came over his face ... "heheh" he chuckled "I gave you a full plate full while I only had a bit ... think of all those calories you've just eaten!" oooooooohh, the slimebag!! "I'll get him back!"

As I was putting stock he bought on the shelves I noticed a jar of manuka honey. What's this for? "A new diet plan I have worked out ... manuka honey and meat" That's it??? You won't be able to eat just that!!! He assured me he'd be able to survive a week with just manuka honey and meat.

But hahaha!! As I got home this afternoon Lauren informed me he had a pie for lunch!!! LOL He didn't even survive one day!!!

I don't know how he's doing it ... but he is actually losing weight... damn it!! lol But slowly bit by bit I'm catching him up.

That pandora bracelet has to be mine!!!!

What the... ????

I spent last night at a training session for ambulance put on by the police about how to deal with a crime scene so that ambulance officers entering a crime scene don't contaminate any evidence. It was a very emotionally draining session with lots of photo's of actual NZ historical murder scenes.

I came home ready for bed. As Bill and I sat chatting before turning out the lights we heard a few 'bumps'. As in the past I presumed it was the naughty cat jumping from the kitchen bench except the fact that Bill pointed to the cat right next to me. We both looked at eachother and Bill jumped out of bed to look out the back window. The security light of the liquour shop next door was on and I quickly heard the familiar sound of a steel pole that is usually used to lock their back door. I jumped to my feet fumbling round for the phone and rang 111. Given the time (11.30pm) and darkness (and the fact that I had already taken off my glasses for the night) I found it really hard when the operator asked me for a description. All I could give her was that there were 3 (that we could see) thin built guys with light coloured hoodies on. The cops were on their way and I was warned from the operator not to go investigate ... as I watched (and tried to silently frantically stop Bill grabbing the metal vacuum cleaner pipe and putting on my running shoes). I told her yep, sure, no problem. She then went on to insure that we weren't to contaminate any evidence. I didn't tell her but felt like saying "Listen lady, I've just spend three hours in a training session put on by police on just that subject".

The next thing the alarm sounded and I saw two guys go sprinting across the back carpark and disapear into the creak. I explained what I'd seen to the 111 lady and she thanked me and I hung up. Feeling quite bummed that once again they'd gotten away.

My thoughts then went to Bill ... he'd been gone over 10mins ... where was he?? I gingerly walked outside and around the front of the shop but couldn't see him anywhere. Then the security guard turned up and relieved I asked him to look around for him for me.

Five minutes later (which seemed like an eternity) Bill came puffing along the footpath. They got one of them!!! And this is his account of when he left the house ...

Little punks breaking into the shop next door!! Shit that could be my shop they are rading. "I'll get the car and suprise them. F*%^K thats the alarm going off. Running down the road checking each driveway and listening i work out that they have gone into the creek and making for the bridge or across to the vacant section next to the bridge. Armed with my manly vacume cleaner pipe I hide and watch the little barstards make a break for it down the road towards me..."STOP U LITTLE SHITS", They split 3 down Dillon St and one back up the road. "He'll Do Me" I think and start the chase. 200 meters and im stuffed. "stop soon shit head or have a heart attack" My thoughts out loud. "Stop you f&%$K" i yell with my 'weapon' in hand. 40 meters later he stops and after a few "stop man the cops are on thier ways" pant, heave, "shit I am fat" mind games he does!! GREAT I can breath again. We walk facing each other and i coax him into stoping. "PUT DOWN THAT BIG THING" he yells;

"Come closer, I'll put it down" I reply.
"No just put it down" pleadingly he says.
"Ok, Ok there it is on the grass... come back here"
"No you're big too"
"I cant fuckin change that can I??!!!"

We walk face to face backwards down the street and I slowly gain his ground. Standing a metre away I say "come back and talk to the cops and sort it out with them"
"Nah, leave me alone, don't hurt me"
"Don't run!!!" (thinking I'm actually too fucked to run!!!) "The cops are coming down the road behind you. Come back towards the shops"
"I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" He squealed like a little pig
"Cool! Just tell the cops that and sort it out with them" Still trying to dredge my breath from the bottom of my bowels
"Don't grab me man! Don't grab me!!" He pleaded, walking down a driveway.
"i know these people! You don't want to go down there! Come back towards the shops. What's your name?"
"Jake"
"Whatever! sort that out with the cops. Just keep walking with me"
"I didn't go inside"
"You were still with them"
"Just don't touch me"
"Nah, nah, nah ... we're sweet" All I could think of was doing a 'Homer on Bart'!

Two hundred metres from the end of the road I grabbed the hood of his sweatshirt and drag him across the road.
"You lied! You lied!!! You said you wouldn't grab me!!"
I was laughing so hard to myself ... you little shit! Of course I'm going to lie, you broke into a liquour shop!
Grabbing his colar and the bottom of his shirt I tied them firmly in a knot and dragged him down the road. He stuck his right arm out of his sleeve as if to punch me. I yelled "Don't fucken hit me man or I'll beat you!! And I'm BIGGER THAN YOU!!!"
"Let go of me, let go of me. You lied" When I tried to grab his arm to put it behind his back he yelled "Don't touch me! It reminds me of my stepfather!"
"Don't give me your sob story you whining little shit!"

After throwing the guy into a hedge three or four times I saw the cop car coming down the street. Holding him on the ground with one arm and waving to the cop car with the other, I thought they noticed me. They didn't! Now I was nervous! And the goon tried to wrestle himself away from me. Back into the hedge he went! Finally the cops see us and reverse back down the road. They jump out and 'Jake' struggles hard to try and break free. I pick him up laterally and throw him into the concrete. Then jump on him with my knee followed by a 105kg of fat!!! The cops yell out "Is this one of them?" Heaving I say yes.

They grab him and one takes him to the car, the other asks for details.
I let them know that the others went down the other street, while making my way back up the road to my vacuum cleaner pipe. "I need some details"
"It's Bill from Beachmart. I just need to go get something from back up the road"
Recognising me they took off down the road to get the other little shits. I pick up my pipe and think "Shit I need to hide this too as I could be viewed as a lethal weapon"

For the next while we wait with the security guard for the owner of the liquour shop to arrive, which seems to take forever. He arrives and tells us while he was on his way from his home 15kms away he encountered 3 abandoned horses galloping towards his vehicle on a main state highway! He TOO rings 111 to report the incident. They reply "I'm sorry sir, but all our officers are currently tied up with a robbery in progress"
"THAT'S MY SHOP!!! I'M TRYING TO GET THERE!!"
They compassionately reply "Well aren't you having a bad night!!!!!!"

An hour or so later the cops turn up with all arrested in the back of the vehicle!

PHEW!!

For Chris ...

You think I can down these pills like a machine??

I took my first lot of herbal tablets last night ... all 40 OF THEM!!!! yuck!!!! I managed to get them all down in about 25mins but it took me 2.5ltrs of water to do it!! Man, was I bloated!!! I just hoped and prayed for the next hour that I didn't throw them back up! They didn't have any taste but I just HATE taking tablets with a vengeance! I'll gag on a single disprin!! And I was very disappointed at the lack of excitement from Bill when I finally swallowed tablet number 40. Did he not realise the immense achievement????

Knowing I had to wake up this morning and do it all over again almost sent me into a panic attack. But as my alarm went off and I started to wake up I put my hand down and noticed how flat my tummy felt. It's definately not flat standing up by any means but lying down I could almost feel my hip bones. What an amazing feeling!! I can do these tablets!! It's so worth it!!

Then Bill had a brain wave ... suggesting I break them open and put them into my breakfast smoothie. It could work?? I read the ingredients ... carob powder, licorice, peppermint, barley grass, berry extract to name a few ... Yeah that could work, they didn't seem to potent. Twenty tablets tipped into my smoothie and it changed from a lovely boysenberry purple to brown and went thick! Adding some more smoothie seemed to help. It smelt ok, now for a taste ...

OH MY FRIGGEN GOODNESS!!!!! That was DISCUSTING!!! There is something yuck in here!!! Grabbing the bottles I hurriedly skim read again .... ohhhhh yuck!!! THERE'S CAYENNE PEPPER IN HERE!!! I'd missed that one! And I'd paid so much for these tablets I wasn't going to tip them out! So you guessed it ... for the next 20mins I tried every which way to get my cayenne pepper flavoured with a dash of boysenberry, smoothie down my throat! Holding my nose, closing my eyes, sculling water between each gulp ... no matter what I tried IT WAS STILL FRIGGEN YUCK!!!! Damn you Bill!! lol You'd think after all these years I would have learnt not to listen to his brainwaves!!!

The good thing is I got it down!!! The bad thing .... ahhhggghghhh!! I still have 20 to go!! And when I finally get them down ... I have to do it all over again tonight!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!

World's funniest joke ...

I'm very excited to be meeting up with Lee-anne for a coffee today. It's always fun to meet other bloggers in 'real life'.

I have a birthday party to go to tonight. A friend is turning 30 and she's hired out a camp so we can all sleep over without worrying about driving home. Should be a bit of fun.

There was a documentary on sky last night about the study of humour and how some people find a joke funny while others don't. They did a huge study of thousands of people to find the world's funniest joke. When they finally told the joke, the guy did a big spiel how even tho it was voted the funniest joke alot of people wouldn't find it funny. So I was expecting something stupid like "why did the chicken cross the road" type one. But I actually did find this one funny ... what do you guys think?

Here it is ... the world's funniest joke ...

Two friend's went hunting together and one of them had the misfortune of hurting himself. His mate rang 111.
"Help!! My friend's hurt himself really, really bad"
"Don't panic, we're sending someone right away. What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure, but he's really bad."
"First we have to work out if he's dead or not"
There was silence on the other end of the phone, then a loud BANG!!!
"Hello?? Hello??"
"Ok, that's done ... now what??"

Mad Cow Disease

This little cow describes me perfectly!! Damn it!! Technology is pissing me off today!! Well, the weight watchers online site to be exact! As I went to put in my food for last night's eating they suddenly changed the rules on me!! ...

Corn is now 1.5pts per cob!!!!!!! WTF??? I loved my corn as a pt free snack or to top up my dinners if I was extra hungry and now they are going to charge me points for it???? No explanation, no warning ... they could have told me BEFORE I ate two cobs of the stuff!!! 3pts gone!!!! Grrrrr!!!

I heard through the grapevine something about corn on the cob now being points but thought I must have heard wrong as my online weightwatchers tracker kept telling me 0pts when I put in corn.

Can ya tell I'm mad???? Damn it!! I got so pissed off with it that I changed my mind about putting any more food in for the meantime and would finish it off in the morning when I got to ambo...

... then ... this morning when I opened up the weightwatchers online site on the station computer, I got a rude message telling me I now needed Flash player version 9!!!! And because I don't have admin authorisation here at the station I can't download the new version ... grrrr .... so now I can't even update my food here!!! Arghghhhhh!!! lol

Ok so now I guess I have to use the ol' pen and paper till I get back home tonight and finally update my points.

You wait ... weight watchers are gonna pay for this!!!!!