I don't know why

Thanks Karen and CM :) I appreciate that you are both there for me.

I'm in a really bad headspace right now and originally I hoped that journaling would give me the outlet and place to gather my thoughts together. But this hasn't happened. Instead I feel bad for writing anything negative, especially when it seems to be constantly negative, so I don't write ... then I feel guilty for not updating.

I also hoped that by blogging it would inspire me to get my eating sorted but nope. Mind you I think it would actually take quite a bit to get me back on track. I have to have my head sorted before I can lose weight. It's sooo isn't sorted yet.

I've struggled with depression off and on over the years but always seem to click myself out of it. This time tho it has really gotten the better of me.

Things are going well between Bill and I. He is still drinking every now and then but not every night. His controlling nature and emotional maniputation when drunk has completely stopped. And when he does drink he's learning how to stop before he's gone to far.

Depression is such a bizarre thing. To the hundreds of people that come into our shop no one would even suspect that there was a problem in my head. I smile and chat as normal. But under it all I want to just sit down in a corner and cry and cry and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone and certainly don't want to admit to anyone that I have this weakness. Because to me it is such a weakness. I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

I read an interesting story in the Sunday News this last week about Mike King's battle with depression. And something he said really struck a chord with me. He said the very fact that he had nothing wrong and no reason to feel depressed was the thing that drove him more depressed. He couldn't understand why he felt this way and would tell himself off like a naughty boy.

And that is exactly how I feel some days. Last time I had a depression attack there was a reason ... Bill and I had split so I felt ok about it and was able to deal with it. This time there's no reason. Bill and I are happy, he knows I feel this way and he's trying to help, which makes me feel even worse (sound stupid?)

Last time I used medication to help me through but I really don't want to do that again. It just played up with my weight so much. I've since found out that's the biggest side effect to antidepressants ... ironic huh?

Thankyou so much for your guys concern and I really know you mean well but I don't need lots of polite backpats. It makes me cringe to think that people think I'm weak and need mollycoddling. That probably came out wrong ... it's not that I don't like you for writing comments ... arggh ... what do I mean here??? I guess I'm saying I'm not one of those attention freaks who want so much to have comments written that they will write anything to get people to say ... ahhhh it's ok we love you ... I don't want that and that's not what I'm about ... at all ... ever!! I'm just trying to do something or say something that makes sense ... somehow.

Well maybe this entry has helped. I certainly didn't know why or how or what this morning when Bill asked me why I was feeling this way. I couldn't give him an answer. Lots of little things maybe???

who knows??

Lyn

Bad Day

They say that kids can be cruel and while this may be true ... adults can be JUST AS CRUEL!!

I have had two incidents just today where my weight was the issue of the conversation in an unconstructive and embarrasing way.

Firstly, this morning I had a lady come into the shop from my old ww meeting and apparently the gossip vine is very alive there. The word is that "Lyn has apparently put on lots of weight so we'd better not go showing our faces in her shop, she won't want to see us"

What is it with that????? Now that I'm fat I don't need friends anymore????? I've found that alot here. When I was slim and attractive and had my face in a magazine ohhhh everyone wanted to know me ... everyone was chatty, flirty and so nice!!! Now that I'm fat again ... ohhh boy ... no one wants to know me. Of course we have customers but alot of my "friends" are no where to be seen. How shallow is that???

If one of my friends became fat I wouldn't dream of not being their friend? I couldn't comprehend such a thought process!!

Then this afternoon a rep for cookietime came in to do his usual stockup. I asked him to put in a couple of extra banana flavoured bumper bars because I like them and I treat myself once a week to one and we seem to be selling out of them. To which he replied .... "Ohhhhhh, naughty, naughty!! I'm telling on you! I'll bring out your magazine and next time and remind you not to eat them"

I could have curled up and cried right there and then except for the fact that I'm an adult who has learnt to hide her feelings.

It's one thing to be fat ... it's a whole new game to be fat, get thin, be in a magazine, then get fat again!! It gives everyone the licence to say "naughty, naughty ... tutt, tutt, tutt"

So for today I say Fuck the World!!! I know that sounds harsh ... but I've had a harsh day!! Or a harsh few weeks from a few dickheads!

Lyn