What the... ????

I spent last night at a training session for ambulance put on by the police about how to deal with a crime scene so that ambulance officers entering a crime scene don't contaminate any evidence. It was a very emotionally draining session with lots of photo's of actual NZ historical murder scenes.

I came home ready for bed. As Bill and I sat chatting before turning out the lights we heard a few 'bumps'. As in the past I presumed it was the naughty cat jumping from the kitchen bench except the fact that Bill pointed to the cat right next to me. We both looked at eachother and Bill jumped out of bed to look out the back window. The security light of the liquour shop next door was on and I quickly heard the familiar sound of a steel pole that is usually used to lock their back door. I jumped to my feet fumbling round for the phone and rang 111. Given the time (11.30pm) and darkness (and the fact that I had already taken off my glasses for the night) I found it really hard when the operator asked me for a description. All I could give her was that there were 3 (that we could see) thin built guys with light coloured hoodies on. The cops were on their way and I was warned from the operator not to go investigate ... as I watched (and tried to silently frantically stop Bill grabbing the metal vacuum cleaner pipe and putting on my running shoes). I told her yep, sure, no problem. She then went on to insure that we weren't to contaminate any evidence. I didn't tell her but felt like saying "Listen lady, I've just spend three hours in a training session put on by police on just that subject".

The next thing the alarm sounded and I saw two guys go sprinting across the back carpark and disapear into the creak. I explained what I'd seen to the 111 lady and she thanked me and I hung up. Feeling quite bummed that once again they'd gotten away.

My thoughts then went to Bill ... he'd been gone over 10mins ... where was he?? I gingerly walked outside and around the front of the shop but couldn't see him anywhere. Then the security guard turned up and relieved I asked him to look around for him for me.

Five minutes later (which seemed like an eternity) Bill came puffing along the footpath. They got one of them!!! And this is his account of when he left the house ...

Little punks breaking into the shop next door!! Shit that could be my shop they are rading. "I'll get the car and suprise them. F*%^K thats the alarm going off. Running down the road checking each driveway and listening i work out that they have gone into the creek and making for the bridge or across to the vacant section next to the bridge. Armed with my manly vacume cleaner pipe I hide and watch the little barstards make a break for it down the road towards me..."STOP U LITTLE SHITS", They split 3 down Dillon St and one back up the road. "He'll Do Me" I think and start the chase. 200 meters and im stuffed. "stop soon shit head or have a heart attack" My thoughts out loud. "Stop you f&%$K" i yell with my 'weapon' in hand. 40 meters later he stops and after a few "stop man the cops are on thier ways" pant, heave, "shit I am fat" mind games he does!! GREAT I can breath again. We walk facing each other and i coax him into stoping. "PUT DOWN THAT BIG THING" he yells;

"Come closer, I'll put it down" I reply.
"No just put it down" pleadingly he says.
"Ok, Ok there it is on the grass... come back here"
"No you're big too"
"I cant fuckin change that can I??!!!"

We walk face to face backwards down the street and I slowly gain his ground. Standing a metre away I say "come back and talk to the cops and sort it out with them"
"Nah, leave me alone, don't hurt me"
"Don't run!!!" (thinking I'm actually too fucked to run!!!) "The cops are coming down the road behind you. Come back towards the shops"
"I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" He squealed like a little pig
"Cool! Just tell the cops that and sort it out with them" Still trying to dredge my breath from the bottom of my bowels
"Don't grab me man! Don't grab me!!" He pleaded, walking down a driveway.
"i know these people! You don't want to go down there! Come back towards the shops. What's your name?"
"Jake"
"Whatever! sort that out with the cops. Just keep walking with me"
"I didn't go inside"
"You were still with them"
"Just don't touch me"
"Nah, nah, nah ... we're sweet" All I could think of was doing a 'Homer on Bart'!

Two hundred metres from the end of the road I grabbed the hood of his sweatshirt and drag him across the road.
"You lied! You lied!!! You said you wouldn't grab me!!"
I was laughing so hard to myself ... you little shit! Of course I'm going to lie, you broke into a liquour shop!
Grabbing his colar and the bottom of his shirt I tied them firmly in a knot and dragged him down the road. He stuck his right arm out of his sleeve as if to punch me. I yelled "Don't fucken hit me man or I'll beat you!! And I'm BIGGER THAN YOU!!!"
"Let go of me, let go of me. You lied" When I tried to grab his arm to put it behind his back he yelled "Don't touch me! It reminds me of my stepfather!"
"Don't give me your sob story you whining little shit!"

After throwing the guy into a hedge three or four times I saw the cop car coming down the street. Holding him on the ground with one arm and waving to the cop car with the other, I thought they noticed me. They didn't! Now I was nervous! And the goon tried to wrestle himself away from me. Back into the hedge he went! Finally the cops see us and reverse back down the road. They jump out and 'Jake' struggles hard to try and break free. I pick him up laterally and throw him into the concrete. Then jump on him with my knee followed by a 105kg of fat!!! The cops yell out "Is this one of them?" Heaving I say yes.

They grab him and one takes him to the car, the other asks for details.
I let them know that the others went down the other street, while making my way back up the road to my vacuum cleaner pipe. "I need some details"
"It's Bill from Beachmart. I just need to go get something from back up the road"
Recognising me they took off down the road to get the other little shits. I pick up my pipe and think "Shit I need to hide this too as I could be viewed as a lethal weapon"

For the next while we wait with the security guard for the owner of the liquour shop to arrive, which seems to take forever. He arrives and tells us while he was on his way from his home 15kms away he encountered 3 abandoned horses galloping towards his vehicle on a main state highway! He TOO rings 111 to report the incident. They reply "I'm sorry sir, but all our officers are currently tied up with a robbery in progress"
"THAT'S MY SHOP!!! I'M TRYING TO GET THERE!!"
They compassionately reply "Well aren't you having a bad night!!!!!!"

An hour or so later the cops turn up with all arrested in the back of the vehicle!

PHEW!!