baby steps work

I woke up yesterday inspired to do some exercise. It was our day off so when Bill said he wanted to go for a kayak I suggested we go hire another 2 kayaks (we own one kayak ourselves), one for me and one for Lauren, 11yrs (the 3 boys are still with their grandparents). So after getting ourselves sorted. Snacks and sweatshirt, shoes, car keys and money, breakfast eaten ... 40mins later we were ready to head out the door. Bill kayaked down to the hire place and we were to meet him there. But as we walked in the shop I noticed there were no kayaks out on display. After asking the lady she snapped back that yes they do still hire out kayaks but not today. Aye?? "we're going out for the day and we don't hire them out when staff are here" I really didn't understand her reasoning, I mean she was there right then and we could bring them back when she returned but nope she was dead set ... no kayaks today! Damn!!

So Lauren and I set off walking down the beach to meet Bill. As we were walking I noticed she was counting. "What are you counting?" I asked her. "my steps". So we set out to count our steps together, me counting 1-100 while she counted the 100's and then 1000's. We made a goal together of getting to 10,000. I really didn't think about how many that was and how long it would take us!! lol ... 5,400 steps and 1hr20mins later!!! We had to stop before my ankle gave out on me.

I got back home, worked out my bonus points and was very happy to record 6.5pts earnt. (of course only saving 4 of them).

Bill's brother, his wife and kids arrived just before lunch for a visit. The guys went out fishing while the girls sat down to watch girly movies. A great day! Everyone voted on takeaways for dinner so I opted for prawn chow mein. I knew I had 17pts spare for dinner so wasn't worried. I looked up the points for it after dinner and to my shock ww reckons it's 15pts (2cups worth). There's no way it would be 15pts!! Chop suey (veges with no meat, no noodles) is 2pts, so I figured 1 serving of prawns is 1 extra point and 2 cups of pasta (over estimating) is 7pts bringing the total to 10pts. I know our chinese takeaways use boiled pasta not fried so I really can't see where the extra 5pts comes from. I made the decision to only count it as 10 not 15pts. Does anyone else know why the huge difference between chop suey (2pts) and chow mein (15pts)??

I decided since I don't have a walking buddy I'd like to get myself a pocket radio and a pedometer. I found one on trademe that has both together (yeah I know I gotta stay off that site! lol) and bid $10 bux on it ... and got it!!






So that should be on it's way to me very shortly... bargain!!

I felt so inspired by my walk yesterday (longest I've done yet) that I got up this morning and did it again! It shows how much my ankle is healing being able to walk on the beach again. I had a stiff leg today but it was the other leg not my 'bung' one. So that was a good sign I had done some 'fat damage'.

My immediate plan was to walk on the beach to the cafe, grab a coffee and walk back. But by the time I got there I'd only walked 15mins and I know it's better to walk 20mins at a time for weightloss, so continued along the beach for another 5mins, then noticed I wasn't far from the end of the beach, so continued walking. It ended up being a little further than I thought to the end so by the time I got home, my planned 'half hour walk' ended up being 65mins.

Well whataya know huh? 3mths ago the thought of walking out to the letterbox and back was too much for me to even consider doing, with being overweight and a 'bung' leg. I remember reading of people who couldn't walk to the letterbox and back when I was losing weight last time and not being able to believe that. But I was in that exact position only a few months back. My first "walk" only last 10mins and I was haddit... now I'm walking for 1hr, who would have guessed? Shows that by making one small change at a time, even if it doesn't feel like you've done anything decent enough (like 10 pathetic mins) is a small step to doing more next time.

Duh!!! It's not a race

Thankyou all for your encouragement in regards to my loss and not feeling excited yet. I've had a further think about it over the last few days and worked out a strategy to overcome this.

I need to stop thinking of my weightloss as a race. There is no start line and no finish line. We all know it needs to be a lifestyle change rather than something we start and stop. Mandy asked me when we had our coffee last weekend how it felt to get to goal and be on maintenance. I think she was a little surprised when I told her it was horrible!! Sure it was great being at goal but I found I had nothing to go onto from there. I had used the excitement of losing each week to keep me motivated and when there was nothing left to lose I found it hard to keep the motivation up.

So I figure I need to change my mindset on this "race" mentality. And rather than focusing on getting to the "end of the race" focus on the enjoyment along the way. And to help me with this I've done up a list of achievements. These are listed down the right hand side and as I achieve each milestone I'll cross it out. So far I have 50 or so things to achieve and want to add to these as I think of them.

Already this has helped in my day to day motivation. Rather than thinking 'I haven't started yet', I'm thinking 'I'm so close to my next goal'

And then when I get to goal I can do up another set of achievements and keep going again. Things like 'half marathon' or 'running 4kms' etc.

Some people are motivated by negatives while others are motivated by positives. I'm definately a positives person. If someone says something negative to get my arse moving I generally stick my toes in, but if something happens (be it however small) I think 'yeah, I can do this'.

So hopefully this will do the trick to keep my foot on the gas.

Speaking of 'foot' ... I finally got the referal appointment from my orthapedic surgeon yesterday to see what they're going to do about my ankle. I'm not getting as much pain in it now, especailly at night when it used to ache, but I still don't have any sideways movement. I'm hoping they take me seriously, look into the problem and don't just fob me off. My appointment isn't for another few weeks yet, so I'll let you know what happens.

Jules ... you asked 'How did you get involved in the ambulance duty?'... When Bill and I split up 18mths ago and I went to live with my sister, to get my mind off things, she suggested I do ambulance duty with her (she is a paramedic in Ngaruawahia). And I loved it! When Bill and I got back together I then joined up again. And yes I did have to do a physical exam involving press-ups, sit-ups and running around the block with 30kgs on my back under a certain time (along with other things). I was a lot slimmer then (only 5kgs above goal) and it nearly killed me!! But I passed. I don't think I would pass the exam now lol! Lucky for me once you're in, you're in. So it's nothing to do with weight but on physical fitness and being able to lift heavy weights. Hope that answers your question :)

Wow so much for doing a short update! lol

I am happy with that ... I think

LOL Linda ... sorry you missed my "wed" update. On Thursdays (your Wednesday) I do ambulance duty all day and don't get back till late, so here I am and no I didn't go off track.

I planned a lot better today by having my food on me all day. I took a lot more snacks and ate when I had the chance rather than waiting for 'meal times'. Just as well because the pager went off before I even got to the station and then again before I could even make myself a coffee. So at 2pm I finally sat down for my 'breakfast' coffee. But had eaten my cereal bars and fruit in the ambulance returning back each time.

Now for the proper news of this update ...

I lost 1.1kgs this week!! Very happy with that result, given it was over easter. I think I worked out why I haven't been jumping with glee at each loss so far. I think it's because in the back of my mind I still don't see myself at the start line yet. When I start ww last time my first weighin was 107.4kgs and even tho I have lost 6.7kgs so far I am still 115.9kgs. It's silly I know, I should be proud of myself after all 6.7kgs is over a stone in weight but it's head excitement and not heart excitement yet, if that makes sense??

So I'm telling myself I am proud of my achievement so far but I don't think I will truelly feel 'excited' about each loss until I get below that 107.4kgs.

On with another day ...

Aww one more won't hurt ...

I took the opportunity of a beautiful sunny day and a few hours off work to go for a lovely walk. I've changed the route I take now to include a rather steep hill, that way I get the ol' ticker tickin without the foot doing any extra work.

25 mins later and home again, I jumped on the cross trainer for 13mins this time, beating my other workouts by an extra 3 mins. Well the truth is I wanted to see the end of the last song on Juice TV so kept working out till it finished.

The bad thing was when I'd finished I really didn't feel hungry but knew I had to eat something for brekkie. I downed a cereal bar but with only using 2pts it kinda put me under for the day. Bill brought me home some yummy sushi. Given the nearest sushi shop is 45mins drive away I don't get it very often. But that was only 3pts. I had fruit and other snacks during the day, but was left with having far too many points left over at the end of the day. I don't like to gorge myself too late in the day (having a personal rule of no food after 7pm) and I'm trying to keep my sugar points to a minimum.

Some of you are thinking to yourself right now ... "what a girlie swat!! who cares if you don't eat enough??" And trust me I've had my days where all my points are gone by 10am and had to live on point free stuff for the rest of the day. But this other side is something I've been thinking about for a while and never knew how to tackle it. Is it better to not eat enough or gorge yourself late at night with 18-20pts??

I know it's only a pathetic itty bitty problem and could be solved by eating a damn bag of chips. But I don't want to go there. Potato chips are a 'no go' for me, as is pizza and 'cheesy-weezies'... you don't know what cheesy-weezies are??? Trust me ... never, ever eat them or you won't look at regular chips the same. They will be naked unless they are covered in fat laden dripping, like cheesy-weezies. Dictionary meaning "deep fried chips covered with a marriage of tartare sauce and melted cheese" .... damn it! I'm salivating just typing this!!

I made the dreaded mistake of having just ONE of these chips, last week, when my daughter had them. Don't get me wrong I don't let her have them very often but this day she had worked really hard all day and as a treat got to choose her dinner. She has her mother's taste buds and immediately went for the biggest of all sinful dinners.

Now this night I had already eaten, was quite satisfied with my low fat, low point dinner. I could tolerate the smell wafting over from her plate because I had my eyes steadfast on Shortland Street. But then she said she was full and put the plate on the coffee table ... 1 foot away from me!!!! Before I knew it I had bargained with myself that one would truly be ok. And it probably would have ... but I don't know what came over me ... like a hand possessed that I had no control over it was feeding this devine tasting poison into my mouth. And do you think my mouth protested?? NUP!! I was ashamed to admit that in a matter of 30seconds I had inhaled 15 calorie soaked chips. The stupid thing was ... I WAS COUNTING THEM!!! Why for goodness sake was I counting the chips??? If I cared enough to think about the amount of calories I was consuming then why eat them??? In the end I told Lauren to take them away QUICK!!! Away from my evil hand!! Pour water on them, petrol, anything!!!

Then I burst out laughing at the battle that had gone on between my hand and my brain.

So now the only one and true concrete way of not letting this happen again is to ban it as a NO GO food ... just don't go there!!!

Free woman for the weekend

Thankyou for saying Hi Tania! It's always nice to hear from readers. And don't be scared to comment (any of you lurkers out there) I don't bite honest! (well not hard anyway)

As I said in the last post I have been work, work, working hard all this weekend. It's not often we have this many people in town, so have to make hay while the sun shines.

Have sent the kids off to the grandparents for the weekend so they don't get neglected with us working so much. Got a call from mum this morning to say Jese (4yrs) was homesick so dad was bringing him home. Then got another call an hour later to say "oh no he's not coming home anymore, he decided he'd much rather stay at grandmas a little longer" lol talk about changing his mind. Was sweet that he misses us tho. The house is very quiet without 4 kids. I am enjoying the sleepins.

Met up with Mandy for a coffee yesterday. We talked non-stop for 1 1/2 hrs! And even then we could have kept going. She's really lovely!!

I've been pretty good with my eating. Went over in points a little on Friday night because we decided with no kids we'd go catchup with friends of ours who own a cafe across the road. One quick 15min visit ended up being 4 or 5 hrs and 5 bourbens later ... whoopsie!

But that aside I have been really good honest ... lol. No easter eggs or hot cross buns for me, haven't really missed them either.

Bit of a boring post today, not much happening. Depending on how my ankle holds out might get out for a walk ... yeah might do that now, why not?

good girl? what good girl?

I have just finished another mad Easter shift in the shop. There are so many people here ... IT'S CRAZY!! lol and my feet are killing me. Sitting down to do a quick update before the icecream session starts!

This is the scene all around me while I work at the moment ...

... and ...




... and ...

chocolate galore!! And I've been a good girl and only had one marshmellow easter egg (and that was a week ago). It's bizarre, last time I did ww I just couldn't get my eyes off the lollies and chips (some of you may remember that). I had to come up with a whole lot of strategies to stop myself from eating them.

This time I'm really not tempted. It's like they're not even there.

But I'm not all 'the perfect food goddess' ...

We went out for dinner last night. I really 'should' have chosen the vege wrap that Bill got ... but no ... the little bad girl on my shoulder told me to get the Green Thai Curry. While the other shoulder was screaming at me "no! no! no!" But I pretended like she didn't even exist. Like a stubborn child I went ahead and ordered. It was devine, but don't know if it was worth all the bad dreams I had about gaining more weight!! The 'good girl' got through to me in the end even if I ignored her when I shouldn't have.

As bad as I felt this morning, the 'bad girl' told me to forget yesterday, start with a clean slate, don't worry bout it. But this time I listened to 'good girl' and looked up those points for Thai Green Curry ... 12pts! My only saving grace was that I got too full to finish the plate, but still counted the full points as I really don't know the recipe they used.

So for today I've knocked off the 'bad girl' from my shoulder and only listening to 'good girl' ... she's much more sensible!!

P.S. thankyou for your sweet comment Debbie :)

Tiring but fun day

Just a short update tonight ... I'm absolutely shattered! Spent my first full day on ambulance (day shift of 12hrs), but loved it!

Weighin result this morning of a 400g loss. I'm happy with that. I didn't expect too bigger loss given my sugar points were right up there this week. Overall I stayed within points for the week but slipped up on the sugars. Not surprising as TTOM is expected anyday.

I thought I had the day's eating planned, took a packed lunch with lots of snacks and water ... but just as I was about to sit down for lunch at 12.30pm, the pager went off and we were out for 3 and a half hours, while my packed lunch was sitting safely in the FRIDGE at the station!! Didn't see that one coming! So by 3pm I'd only consumed 4pts! Was so hungry I had the starting of a headache. Next time note to oneself "put lunch in bag, NOT fridge!!" lol.

I'm off to put my feet up and grab a bite to eat.
Nite!

P.S. Thanks on the tips of ww treats. Will have to try that berry mudslide ... sounds yummy!!

I'm in ww heaven

I've been doing a little tidying up with my website and adding all the old entries from my last blog (when I lost weight the first time) for anyone who was interested.

Trouble is there are so many entries!! I've completed six months worth (which took me 2hrs) and I still have 2 more years to go!! lol, bear with me, it might take a while.

...

Went for a 20min walk up some pretty steep hills and then did 10mins on my new cross trainer. I have her set up in the bedroom infront of the tv so I can workout to the music channels. Earned myself 4.5 bonus points.

...

You may raise your eyebrows at this, but I don't go grocery shopping. Infact it's been many months since I showed my face inside a supermarket. I have no need to. We own a superette and everything I need for the house we either get delivered to us or Bill gets it for me when he gets stock. Anyway, yesterday Bill wanted me to go to the supermarket to get a couple of red cabbages to put in a produce order for a customer ... well let me tell you ... I was in heaven!!!

There were so many new ww and low fat products out that I never knew about. I felt a little like someone who had stepped forward in time. "Wow look at this", "Ahhhh, cool! I haven't seen that before!". Instead of just walking out with the two cabbages, my trolley was full! And all for me of course .... heheh! My first treat to try was the ww cookies and cream icecream. Absolute YUM!!! I love cookies and cream and to have it in a low fat version ... yay!!

I've put lots of stuff in the freezer for those tempting moments when I need something special without the points.

...

I'm on ambulance all day tomorrow so you all won't be able to hear my weighin result till after 6pm when I get home ... hope it will be a good one. But I'm a little uncertain this week.

My baby she's coming home

It started by looking at Bill's stupid exercise thing, that I'd tried to use but without much success... "the body coach". I was supposed to lie on it with my feet in the air and pull on the cords to lift myself up and down kinda like a cockeye rowing machine. I never did get any sort of puffing or sweat happening.



So I jumped online to see if I could get any instructions on how to use this silly contraption but without much success. But what I did find was plenty of sites offering to sell or hire elliptical trainers. Ahhhh ... now that's what I call an exercise machine. In the past years when I have joined gyms I spent most of my time on these machines and loved them! They gave me a great workout without the jarring on my joints and without the puffing. I would finish my workout with a lovely red glow and sweat pouring off my brow. A real sense of achievement!



I wanted one of these babies! Always have ... but they were just so expensive! Starting at $500.00 and going up to beyond the $1500.00 mark!! But by this stage it was too late, I had fallen in looooooooove!! Maybe I could hire one, but with a $25 a week fee and not to mention bond and frieght, that didn't really seem ideal.



Trade me .... lovely trade me might be my option. After squizzing around for ummm about a couple of hours I set my eyes on her! An imported American pearler with the whole shabang and gadgets .... mmmm .... gadgets .... loooove gadgets!



Problem was I'd fallen for her and the auction wasn't to close for another 8hrs. I put in a small bid bringing the total asking price tooooo .... $48!! Alas someone jumped straight after me with a higher bid. So I played hard to get, snobbing her (as hard as it was) until the time was right. The longest 8hr wait in a very long time!! I nervously brought the subject up with Bill, that I had been bad, very bad! Taking a deep breath and eyes to the ground, I admitted I had bid on the auction. To my surprise he was all for it! He even did a bit more research with me to find out the RRP's. I asked him what price he thought I should go up to. $500 or $600 ... ohhh noo I didn't want to pay that much! I settled on $200 - $250.



9pm was the closing time so at 8pm on the dot I was back on the computer to see how the auction was going. It was up to $145 and a whole new set of bidders had entered the auction. How dare they? She's mine!! Didn't they realise that? I still continued to bite my lip until the last moment ... 5 mins to go ... I suddenly had a spur of emotions and entered in an auto bid of $210. If it went beyond that then she wasn't to be mine and I had to accept the fact of letting her go. 4 mins to go ... bidding was up to $180 .... 3 mins ... $190 .... 2 mins ... $200 .... 1 min $205 ... still in the lead ... one more bid from "them" and I would lose her.... 30 secs to go ... no more bids ... 10 secs ... still in the lead ... then ... "closing" ... I let out a scream ... "yes!!!", then I realised about the "auto extend" ... I'd have to wait another 2 minutes ... hadn't I waited for her for long enough??? Countdown to the final 2 minutes and then I could relax ... she was mine!!!



I ran upstairs to share my excitement with Bill. He too was excited for me. "I'll tell ya what" he said "I'll go up to Auckland tomorrow and pick it up for you" ... "would you do that?? for me??" ... "yes of course, you deserve it with the hard work you have put in with your weightloss"



So here I am awaiting her arrival ... here's a photo of her ...







Isn't she beautiful??? ....


oops wrong pic sorry ... here she is ...





I'll update you tomorrow on how she settles in when she gets here ..... oooooooo, I'm so excited!!

Kids ... ya gotta love em!

It's really neat to see people pop their heads up to say hi that followed my first journal! Thankyou for all your kind comments. A friend suggested a whileback that I make my journal private and by invite only this time, after I told her I got burnt a little by being so public last time. I seriously contemplated this but decided that the few bad comments I got last time were far outweighed by the support I got from everyone else. Thankyou to you guys :)

I ended up going over my points last night, first time ever since I started back doing points. I knew my total was heading up there by mid afternoon so did a rescue remedy and got out my handy, dandy point free soup for dinner. But of course had to add some bacon to it to please the man.

I woke up so disappointed in myself this morning. Went to the computer first thing, entered my points for yesterday and realised in having the low point dinner I was only over by 3pts. Pffffft!! What was I complaining about?? I'd get rid of that in one walk.

To give you a bit of background about my walking ... I can't! Well I can but only in very short doses, due to the ankle. I tell ya, there is nothing as frustrating as wanting to get out in the sunshine for a good hardworking walk and not being able to. As yesterday was my day off from work I'd rested my ankle all day and it felt pretty good this morning (no limp) so I took my chances and went! The last exercise walk I'd been on was a week or so ago, I made it to 20mins.

So today determination kick in to beat the record. And on arrival back at depo .... 35mins!!!! Wahooo! Aaaand ... bonus points of ... yep you guessed it ... 3pts!! So I'm all square :)

The sugar points still might get me in the bum on the scales this week but it's all good, I've done everything I can.

Malachi (9yrs) made me smile yesterday when I asked him to get me a can of baked beans from the shop he came up with Oak ones rather than the Watties ones I normally use. Before I could say anything he proudly announced that the Oak ones had lower saturated fat than the Watties so that's why he chose them. How cool is that? I'd never told him to look at the nutritional label, nor have I ever explained to him that I am cutting back in saturated fat. He must have just over heard me talking about it. I gave him a big hug and said Thanks!

On the bright side

I watched an interesting episode of Oprah last night, about a philosophy I've always believed in and tried to live by. Basically stating that there is a law in the universe that states energy is attracted to like energy. For example if we output positive energy or positive thinking we will attract positive things into our lives.

I know that when I made a conscious decision to change "me" a few months ago I stopped going on the downward spiral I was headed down and slowly began climbing back up. And I stopped waiting for everything else around me to change first. Often we say to ourselves if only my job was better or if only I had more money etc, I would be happy. But if I say I'm going to be happy, I choose to be positive then gradually bit by bit life becomes a nicer place. Alot of this also has to do with gratitude. If we become grateful for what we do have then we output positive energy.

One thing to note is that this decision can only come from within. You can't tell someone to be happy if in their own head they don't want to. Likewise, you can never tell a person suffering from depression to "snap out of it". It is only something we can choose for ourselves.

On the day I decided enough was enough with my weight and I was going to change I really didn't feel like changing. And for the first day after I still felt down about myself but there was a twinkling of "hey I'm not going to get any fatter, I may not be slim yet and have a very long way to go, but at least I'm not going to get worse"

I agreed with Oprah's point about finding the lessons to be learnt in every bad situation being the way to find gratitude.

My example:

The fact that I put all my weight back on and now have to lose it all again means ...

• that I now have empathy for anyone else going through the same situation.
• I am not so obsessed about the exact result on the scales each week and more wanting to change my lifestyle rather than follow a "diet"
• I learnt that I am a comfort eater (contrary to my thinking last time I lost weight) and therefore can learn to recognise the signs and put in place mechanisms to stop it
• I already have a wardrobe full of beautiful slim clothes waiting for me to fit into
• I have stopped being the "diet goddess who knows all" and see overweight people in a kinder way
• I have learnt more about "me" and the inner reasons behind my weight

Wow that felt great!!!! It really works!! I highly recommend everyone to do this and see how you feel. Write down something bad that has happened to you, be it big or small, and list down all the positives or lessons learnt.

Man am I pumped for today!!!

Food fit for a king

Ok, ok point taken ... lol. Thankyou for all the lovely advice, have taken on board, no more negative thinking here anymore.

Finished my day exactly on points yesterday and even had enough to indulge on a frozen mars bar. That is one thing I love about the points program, you can have decadence like that without the guilt.

I also cooked a yum, yum recipe for dinner. Bill wouldn't believe me that it was a ww recipe. He said he just looked at the creamy sauce and figured I mustn't be eating healthy for dinner. It was one of the first meals I've had since being back on plan that didn't in any way seem healthy but was.

For those of you who want to try it, here it is ...

Chicken Bocaiola (serves 4 - each serve is 5.5pts)
(from the Pure Points recipe book)

• 3 rashers of bacon, trimmed of fat and rind, chopped
• 500g chicken breast fillets, skin removed, chopped
• 2 leeks sliced (I didn't have leeks so used 1 onion and 10 brussel sprouts instead)
• 1 tsp minced garlic
• 1 tbs flour
• 1 cup water
• 1 chicken stock cube
• 1/4 tsp wholegrain mustard
• 1/2 cup light sour cream
• 200g button mushrooms, chopped
• 1/4 cup fresh basil leaves, chopped (I didn't have these so omitted them)

1. Wrap bacon in absorbent paper and cook in microwave for 1 1/2-2 minutes until crispy. Drain on fresh absorbent paper.
2. Coat a pan with cooking spray, heat and cook the chicken until browned and tender. Remove the chicken from the pan. To the same pan stir in the leeks and garlic. Cook for a further 30 seconds.
3. Stir the flour into the leek mixture. Remove from the heat and stir in the combined water, stock cube and mustard. Return to the heat and cook until the mixture boils and thickens.
4. Return the chicken to the pan and stir in the sour cream, mushrooms, basil and bacon. Cook gently until heated through. Serve with point free vegetables or salad.

Delish!!!!

Soldier on

Looks like I have to take a leaf out of my own book. 600g loss this morning taking me to my first 5kgs gone, I should be jumping with glee! Not sure why I'm not. Time to sit back and realise how well I've done, even tho it feels I should have done better. A perfect week with points and water. Weight watchers recommends anything between 500g and 1kg loss per week is good ... so it's good.

Some of my melancholy is probably hanging over my head from yesterday. Over the past 18mths I have done ambulance off and on, stopping for periods of time when things got a bit crazy and when I broke my ankle. Previously everytime I have been booked in to do my next level exams I've had to pull out due to circumstances. Now I felt ready to finally do my exams, being held on the 21st and 22nd April. But was told by the ambulance area manager last night that I wasn't booked in because I wasn't ready. I respect his decision but was so disappointed. I don't think it was a reflection on my capabilities, but purely on the fact that I have only been back on duty for the past few months, and have had limited call outs during that time. It was so hard not to take it personally. There will still be a next time but just feeling the need to quietly wallow today.

Think I need to put yesterday behind me and focus on today ... onwards and upwards (or downwards in my case)

I put that horrible, horrible front view photo on my blog yesterday, man do I hate that photo!! I made myself put it up there to motivate me to keep going and get into that bikini again!

You've done so well, don't give up now

I've been very resorceful this morning and made a HUGE pot full of point free soup to freeze. It started off with Bill asking me to make something with the left over celery from the shop and grew to filling a 15 litre preserving pan full of vege soup.

I found a new blog yesterday of a lady who had lost HEAPS of weight already, over 40kgs infact. I was so impressed that I read her journal from start to finish, over 2 years worth of entries. She had me so inspired!! But the interesting thing was in the last few months I noticed her entries had changed from focusing on where she'd come from to focusing on the last few kilos that wouldn't budge. She felt so frustrated and unmotivated. If only she could see the big picture again of what a fantastic achievement she had already accomplished. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on the next kilo that won't move and get disheartened.

I remember when I had put on 5 or 6 kilos I felt so fat, like I was back at the start again. Looking back now I so wish I only had 5 or 6 kilos to get back off again, rather than the 50 or so I have to lose now.

It's all about perspective. Sometimes we need to appreciate everything we've done instead of getting down about the numbers on the scales that week. In the big picture one weeks loss or gain is such a small part over the whole journey.

Plate licking syndrome

It feels so nice to be among friends again. Thankyou to those of you who posted lovely comments!

Some of you may be wondering why I would be so open. Up until now all these thoughts have been in my head and I haven't actually sat down and written out everything that had happened over the last year. In doing so was actually theraputic for me. I liked Julie's comment about being a diary that talks back. That's exactly it.

I'm in the excited mode of the program at the moment where I stick to my points rigidly. The bad side of this is when I go wrong my habit is to blow out. So I'm concentrating on not letting this happen.

I did perfect all day yesterday until I was dishing up the rice. I had allowed for 1cup of rice for dinner, but do you think I could stop the spoon going back into the leftover rice for more? Awww just a little bit more, ok maybe a bit more. For goodness sake, it's only rice!! Not like it yummy cabanara or anything. And do you think I could stop when I got full??? Hmmm, well almost! lol I did stop before my plate was licked clean but I should have stopped even sooner. I left probably a quarter of a cup of rice. I guess that's a start. Next time I'll try a little better.

The good thing was that I didn't think "stuff it, I'll have some icecream now too"

Where did I go?

I got two invites to go out last night to two different functions and I didn't end up going to either. I feel bad about that but when I'm trying so hard to stick to points I knew that would be impossible at short notice when both functions revolved around alcohol.

So I sat home and watch American Idol, with no drinks and got an early night. And I'm feeling much better for it today with no hangover.

I've spent the last two days writing up a recap on my last eighteen months. I know there's some people here that knew me during my last weightloss website and wanted to share what's happened and why I just 'disappeared' from blogland.

So over on the righthand side there's a section "Where did I go for 18mths?" for those of you who were wondering.

I'm going to be an aunty!

I found out a few weeks ago that my sister is pregnant, so I'm going to be an aunty for the first time!!

She has been trying to have children for over 10yrs with lots of ups and downs and hurdles to overcome to finally get pregnant and now she is! I'm very happy for her. It's so nice to see her experiencing for herself the joys and excitement that she watched me go through four times.

In the end she and her husband were on their final try of IVF with 4 unsuccesful attempts. If it didn't work this time then that was it, they were going to stop trying. They managed to extract alot of eggs this time but only 2 embryos developed. They used both embryos to get a higher chance of getting pregnant and guess what I found out last night??? ...

... she's now pregnant with twins! Both embryos attached!! I am just so excited for her!!!

At the moment she's both excited and in shock as to how she's going to cope with twins lol. I'm sure she'll be fine!!

I know this has nothing to do with my weightloss lol ... but just wanted to share my exciting news!! :)

Did you have sex last night? ...

I don't know why I was so nervous to hop on the scales this morning...

I'd been good all week, and tracked all my food and stuck to my points, so there was no reason to think I wouldn't have a loss.

I guess I felt that I'd given it 100% effort this week and did the best I possibly could, so if the scales didn't show a loss then there was no hope for me in ever getting this weight off.

Sheesh you'd think I'd know this works! It worked for me last time I lost weight so why wouldn't it this time? Duh!!!

A lovely 2.3kg loss for me this week, which doubles my weightloss to-date. I'd lost a total of 2.3kgs in 3 wks before today now I've lost a total of 4.6kgs. Yay my first 5kg mark is just around the corner.

It's nice to have this excitement about having lost only 4.6kgs! lol I lost that feeling long, long ago, well before I reached goal last time.

My weightloss this week has put a smug little smile on my face today. Like someone who had sex last night but can't skite about it to the world.

Come on you know the smile!

Insy Winsy ...

Insy Winsy spider climbed up the spout,

Down came the rain and washed pour insy out,

Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain,

And then insy winsy spider climbed up the spout again

This nursery rhyme has significance for me today. I've been doing some changes to my website and as I was going to sleep last night this rhyme came to me as a theme for my website. I tried all day to change the template to put in a new banner I'd created but got stumped on html coding, so didn't get to put up the ïnsy winsy' banner after all.

But I still like the association of this poem. It describes what I've been through and come out of in the last 18mths. I may have been washed out by the rain but I'm not down and out yet ... spout here I come!!!

Waiting, waiting, waiting ...

I went for my first organised exercise walk this morning since breaking my ankle six months ago. I do a lot of walking in the shop but never for a full constant 20mins. I enjoyed it although got frustrated at the fact that I wanted to work my heart harder but my foot wouldn't allow it. And knowing I had to keep some 'foot energy' up for my shift in the shop. Still 20mins is nothing to be laughed at even if it only gave me a measly 1.5 bonus points.
I found out today from the specialist I've been waiting to see about my ankle (it's needs to be reoperated on ... grrr ... that's another story I'll tell you another time) can't see me till July. July is too long away! I'm currently on sick leave for my ambulance work and have been since 2 September 06 when I broke my ankle and until I get this damn operation done I can't go back onto proper ambulance duty. Ambulance keep asking me when I can go back onto roster (I'm only doing first responce at the moment) and I can't until I get my foot seen to. Ohh it's all so frustrating waiting for the public system. The other reason I want to get it looked at now rather than later is I want to be up and running again before next summer.
Anyway I got recommended another surgeon to ring instead of my current one to see if he had a shorter waiting list and turns out his is 4 - 6wks to get an appointment. Which is much better but I can see this thing spanning out and out and out, longer and longer.
For those of you who are wondering what the deal with my ankle is ....
I broke my ankle back in Sept last year and had to have a plate and screws put in. Well six months later my physio has told me theyve done as much as I can and the reason I can't get the full movement in my ankle (I can't bend my foot inwards, it's siezed up) is because the tendon is stuck behind the plate. Every now and then with some physio 'jiggling' she can get the tendon to flick overtop of the plate and I get my movement back but it only usually lasts for an hour or so and it's gets stuck again.
I can walk on it fine if I'm on flat ground because I have the up and down movement but as soon as I get uneven ground it goes to pieces. And I couldn't be on ambulance with someone needing cpr on the beach and me saying sorry can't do it, I can't walk on sand.
So this next phase is to wait for my appointment from this surgeon to see what he says. Meanwhile time is ticking ...

Are my jeans playing tricks on me?

It may just be my imagination but I'm sure my jeans feel baggy today. I haven't weighed myself since last Thursday and don't want to till next weigh day but you know when you just feel lighter. And ..... I had my first weightloss compliment today. A regular customer told me she said I looked thinner in the face, that she could tell that I'd lost weight. Now I don't go round telling people I'm on a weightloss thing but was talking to her bout my 'alcohol only once a week' thingy and that's when she told me it must be working cuz I'm looking really good. Yay me!!!!

How can I eat that much?

It's been a while since i updated. I've done the core ww plan for the last few weeks and while I had a good loss the first week, last week I lost only 500g and this week put on 400g. I don't think it's the fault of the programme but that it's not strict enough for me.
So this week I've swapped over to points again. I was a little worried in doing this because i was well and truelly pointed out when I finished up with ww 18mths ago. But surprisingly it's like coming home. There's a sense of security in knowing what I'm doing.
While doing ww last time I was on 18-20pts per day and got used to that. So I was shocked when this time I'm told to eat 27pts a day!! It's a mixture of excitement and nervousness at eating that much. But I think as long as I keep my portion sizes acurate I should be ok. We'll wait and see ...

... sheesh 27pts!???!!