Another exam over and done with

Had my exam last night. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be!! I think I did ok but don't know really for sure. I'm hoping for anything above 50%. I know I definately got some answers wrong and a couple I couldn't answer at all, had to put 'don't know'. Bugger! But there were others I wasn't sure of and got right. It wasn't so much a pass/fail exam but one that pinpointed our weaknesses to restudy before we start our National Certificate in Auckland next year.

So last night was the theory, Thursday night is the practical. Friday I go back on shift and I CAN'T WAIT!!! Roll on Friday!!!!

...

I've been tagged twice by two lovely ladies for two of those cute blogging games so here's my turn ...

Game one was from Kate ...

The rules ...

1-Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog
2-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird
3-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs
4- Let them know they are TAGGED by leaving a comment on their blog

• Fact one ... I am child number 3 of 4 children and always suffered from 'middle child syndrome' and became the black sheep of the family.
• Fact two ... I did a 4yr degree in Design when I left school, worked 6mths in the design industry and then packed it all in, hating the job!
• Fact three ... I was a lead singer of the Hamilton County Bluegrass Band for a year in high school, in which we travelled all around the country.
• Fact four ... I have given birth four times with not one stitch needed for any of them
• Fact five ... I lost 35kgs with Jenny Craig when I was 19 and got chosen to appear in an advert for them. I'd been away from my fiance (now hubby) for 2mths in the USA. I was supposed to fly in from the States and fly out the next day to Aussie for filming ... so I turned it down. I was chosen from over 500 applicants.
  
• Fact six ... When I had my website last time after the magazine article came out I was getting over 1000 hits a day. And now regret being so public with it. Am enjoying the cosy circle of bloggers this time round.
• Fact seven ... I absolutely LOVE fresh new season asparagus. So much so that this year Bill bought me a whole CRATE of the stuff ... just for me! I think that was a bit extreme! lol But kissed him thankyou anyway!

And the people I tag for this are ...

1. Jules
2. Janene
3. Kim
4. Anne
5. Mellisa
6. Meow Meow
7. Linda

And rather than tag another set of people for the second one I choose the above ones again. This one was from the Zanny Zanna!!

The rules ...

Four dishes I like to cook

Lasagna (with handmade pasta)
Tomato/Coconut cream pasta
Fish pie
Stirfry

Four qualities I love in people

Loyalty
Honesty
Acceptance
Humour

Four places I have been

Canada
Tahiti
Mexico
Hawaii

Four things in my bedroom

My GIANT teddybear (a metre tall sitting down)
My ambulance pager ... sits by my bed when I'm not on duty
Two guitars that I haven't picked up in years other than to dust them
Full length mirror

Four dirty words I like to use

Little shit! (call my cat that when he's naughty, luv him to bits tho the rascal!)
Dirty Bugger (aren't all males?)
Cant think of any others off hand, unless I'm real hopping mad and you don't want to hear those! lol

One step further ...

Thankyou all for your encouragement! It really makes a huge difference. Once upon a time I would have done like you Jen and thrown my scales out the window. Infact I have broken 2 sets of scales in the past because I got mad and jumped on them, like a 2yr old throwing a tantrum!! lol

I knew when that gain showed up yesterday that I didn't deserve it, therefore I needed to be the bigger person and 'get over it'. Alot of you provided great info that I have taken on board. And wow 4kgs of poo ... that IS a lot of poo!! lol

My pounding of the pavements yesterday morning paid off with setting a personal record ... 11,000 steps achieved in one day!! and 8.23kms!!!

It really wasn't that long ago (back in February of this year) when I started weight watchers again that I struggled to get to the front of our section, both with my ankle and having to heave around my lard. I have really started to notice little things now making a difference. I remember sitting on the public seat outside our shop and feeling the rolls above the waistline on my back touching my hips. Ewww that sounds yuck when I describe it. And it felt yuck at the time. It was one of those things that motivated me to start ww again. I haven't totally lost the upper spare tyre (as I call it) but I don't feel the friction of skin like I used to.

Another thing that motivated me to start again was my heavy breathing when I had to do anything. Even walking up the 5 steps into our house I would put my foot on the step and kind of use momentum to haul my body up to that step. Now I go up and down those steps without a second thought.

Remembering back when one step made me puff and to think I did over 11,000 of them yesterday ... and felt great!!

I've made a small change in my ww plan. Up until now I've been on 26pts per day. With the questionaire they ask you at the start (to work out your points) they ask -

In your main occupation are you:

• Sitting down most of the time


• Occasionally sitting, but mainly standing


• Occasionally standing, but mostly walking


• Doing physically hard work most of the time

Up until now I have always put that I am 'occasionally sitting but mainly standing', which in effect gives me an extra 2pts per day (24 up to 26). When counting bonus points I never count incidental steps, only planned exercise. The problem being with these 2 extra points is that some days I don't work and some days I do alot of sitting while others I walk kilometers in the shop.

So I figure this may have something to do with my problem. I know it's only 2pts but this adds up to 14pts over the whole week. So I have re worked out my points as if I am sitting most of the time (24pts) and will wear my pedometer each day and add my bonus points at the end of each day according to the number of steps I do. I have worked out that 1,500 steps = 1pt, so yesterday would work out to 7pts (11,000 steps). I realise I can only use 4 of these for food and infact I only sometimes use my bonus points. But I still like to record all of them to keep a measure on how much I am doing. Does this all make sense??

Basically it means I am cutting my points back to 24pts. And I know the negatives of cutting back points and slowing motabolism etc but I don't truelly believe I should have been having those extra 2pts in the first place.

Anyway I'll give it a try this week and see what happens.

Power on!!

Stand the test of time

I went well over my points yesterday ... 34.5pts used!! Only supposed to be on 26, 8.5pts over!! So bad! I woke up this morning feeling quite guilty about it, so got up and went for a walk. That always makes me feel better.

I decided to walk a different direction this time and was amazed at how the beach had changed. It's been probably over a year since I'd walked down that part of the beach. Half an hour later I came across something that hadn't changed ...

It was still there, exactly the same as the last time I saw it a year ago. Now this isn't just a dead tree, it was a log that had been washed up by the sea and someone decided to dig a big hole and stand the log up. That was over 2yrs ago and it's still there strong and firm.

Where am I going with this? This log has great significance for me. It was the prop the photographer for Woman's Day used to take my magazine article photos. You can't see the log very much in the shot ... but it's there.

And this morning it came as a well timed reminder that it doesn't matter that I went well over points, I can get there again not through being a 'super dieter'... but by being strong and standing the test of time ... just sticking it out!! There's no tricks, just persistence ... like that tree stump, through all the storms and hard times.

For those of you who hadn't read the article I've put a permanent link on the right hand side. For a long time (after I put on weight again) I didn't want anyone to see the article and when others mentioned it I cringed. But I think I'm getting over that now and choosing to use it as a focus to help me get back there again, one day.

Do you recognise this lady??

She's the wacky clean freak from 'How Clean is your House?' ... Carolyn Jones

A few years back I was sitting outside the shop having my break when this lady sidled up beside me, sat down and started talking. This outspoken lady was telling me about herself and I'm thinking "ok? do I know you?"

Two weeks later it was valentines day and Bill announced he had gotten me a present this year. Very out of character for him. I was so excited, trying to imagine what it could be. Jewellery? Roses? Chocolates? Nite out? who knows...

"I've gotten you a cleaner" A CLEANER??? WTF??? What sort of valentines present is that??? Don't I clean my house good enough? Aren't I a good enough wife for you?? The questions were endless!!

After 3hrs cleaning my house from top to bottom in preparation, the cleaner arrived. I wasn't going to have my house messy for a cleaner!!! And who should walk in but the lady who had sat next to me and claimed me as her friend. I really wasn't happy about the whole thing. She fluffed around the house making comments about how it must have been a while since we had a cleaner. I was getting madder by the second!!

Although our first couple of meetings were very standoffish (from my side anyway) over the next few months we got to know eachother bit by bit. This dear lady came sometimes up to 3 times a week to clean our house and she worked hard and I learned to relax and let her help. Our friendship grew and we had many a good night out together (her and her partner and Bill and I).

I remember one day she came to me and said she was applying for a job in Auckland. But that there were hundreds applying for the job so she thought it was probably a long shot. I didn't really take alot of notice, just wished her well. She came back a few weeks later excited that she had gotten past stage 1. "What actually is the job?" I asked. "A cleaning program" I didn't really understand the concept and the thought that she, my friend and weirdo lady who sat down and became my friend that day, could be a tv presenter ... yeah right!! Pffft! I still wished her well and hoped for her that she got the job (but deep down didn't hold out much hope)... a week later, next stage passed! And another ... until it was down to 4 people. Then she came to me one day excited "I got the job!". "What's the job again? What's the program about?" Came my questions. Over the next few months she was commuting a lot to Auckland and we didn't see alot of her with the busy schedule.

Then the night of the first episode ... Carolyn and her partner, Bill, myself and the kids sitting around the telly all excited! I've never laughed so hard watching her strut around in her feathered rubber gloves and leopard patterned broom.


The end of the first season ended and she came to me excited that a second season had been confirmed. She got herself an agent (to give her more negotiating power) and now the second season starts airing next Wednesday.

The takeaway/drinks night I mentioned yesterday was at Carolyn's and she made me laugh when she gave me a copy of the photo shoot they did for the show. I gave it back to her and said "well the least you can do is autograph it for me" lol, so she did. Ohhhh wonder how much that would fetch on trademe?? lmao!

She has since told me that day she sat down beside me, she was so lonely and depressed and saw me and thought I might make a good friend. Now look at her! I'm very proud of her and what she has done for herself.

I promised her I would do a plug for the show on my blog, letting everyone know it starts again this Wednesday.

And for those of you who are wondering?? No she doesn't clean my house anymore... she's far too busy cleaning infested bombsites on telly!!

Today ... Bill's gone off to Auckland this morning to pick up his brother who has just split up from his wife last week to bring him down for a days fishing. Then I'm taking Lauren down to Tauranga to get her keyboard she bought off Trademe with her pocket money. Then hopefully get time to get a walk in.

Ohhh and I did really well with dinner last night ... vege chop suey with a bit of rice (4pts) and my allotted baby bottle.

Remember ... TV one, Wednesday night 7.30pm!!

Nearly done ... honest! one more minute ...

I've been on this computer for the last 3hrs and just finished putting in another year of old blog entries (ones that I had saved on hard drive from my last diary) so that people who wanted to read about the first time I lost weight could.

So that's 2003 done and started 2004. Just have 2005 to go after that. Most of my actual weightloss story happened in 2003 for those of you who care :p

It's been really interesting going back over my journal for that time. Makes me realise how chaotic things were in 2003/2004. I started ww, got to goal, sold a house, built a house, moved to Hamilton, moved into new house, Bill got amazing job, Bill lost amazing job, sold our new house, moved to Waihi Beach, bought dairy. Wow I'm exhausted just reading about it. That's a heck of a lot to do in 2yrs!

I remember Mandy saying when we met up last month that blogs are like books for her, that she wants to get to the end of the story. And she's so right. It's weird because you get to know someone so well by reading their blog yet you don't really know them at all. And sometimes you know things about their lives that even their closest friends/family don't know, yet you don't know them. It's quite paradoxical really.

Anyway I'm confusing myself with that chitchat ... onto my book ... uh, I mean blog! heheh ...

We got an invite out last night at the last minute, to go to hear a band at the cafe across the road, with some friends. So with a mad dash panic, finding babysitter, putting makeup on and nice clothes off we went. Band wasn't that good but the company was, so we had a good time. Lucky I had eaten light through the day and only had a 4pt dinner so the extra drinks I had didn't put me over in points for the day.

This morning my dad woke us up bright and early at 8am (I know that's not early to some but this is our only sleepin day of the week when staff open the shop, so we try to sleep) Once I was up and out of bed I was fine, not even hung over so that was a nice bonus.

Then the postie man dropped off my new pedometer ... yay!! Bill said I was like a little kid at christmas. I got it all set up and went off for a walk on the beach. But bummer I got the tides wrong and ended up having to walk barefoot through the water. This is fine normally but when it's high tide there's more of a slope and my ankle didn't handle the slop (and lack of support without shoes) too well. So I'm a bit sore now.

I was still happy with my 4257 steps. Except I lost track of time and have no idea how long I walked for. Does anyone know how to convert steps into bonus points earnt? (I was walking at low intensity pace)

Here's the stats if anyone can work out how many points that would be??

• 4257 steps
• 3.2kms
• It says 334kcal burnt off but I find that a little hard to believe, does that sound right??
• And was "around" 50mins ish in time

If no one knows how to work this out in bonus points I'll just use the 50mins time, but it could have been anywhere from 35mins - 1hr.

Had a yummy homemade egg, avocado, portabello mushroom sandwich for lunch while everyone else hooked into burgers. I'm sure mine was just as nice, and a quarter the points!

Anyway think I'm all computered out for today with adding those archives.

Duh!!! It's not a race

Thankyou all for your encouragement in regards to my loss and not feeling excited yet. I've had a further think about it over the last few days and worked out a strategy to overcome this.

I need to stop thinking of my weightloss as a race. There is no start line and no finish line. We all know it needs to be a lifestyle change rather than something we start and stop. Mandy asked me when we had our coffee last weekend how it felt to get to goal and be on maintenance. I think she was a little surprised when I told her it was horrible!! Sure it was great being at goal but I found I had nothing to go onto from there. I had used the excitement of losing each week to keep me motivated and when there was nothing left to lose I found it hard to keep the motivation up.

So I figure I need to change my mindset on this "race" mentality. And rather than focusing on getting to the "end of the race" focus on the enjoyment along the way. And to help me with this I've done up a list of achievements. These are listed down the right hand side and as I achieve each milestone I'll cross it out. So far I have 50 or so things to achieve and want to add to these as I think of them.

Already this has helped in my day to day motivation. Rather than thinking 'I haven't started yet', I'm thinking 'I'm so close to my next goal'

And then when I get to goal I can do up another set of achievements and keep going again. Things like 'half marathon' or 'running 4kms' etc.

Some people are motivated by negatives while others are motivated by positives. I'm definately a positives person. If someone says something negative to get my arse moving I generally stick my toes in, but if something happens (be it however small) I think 'yeah, I can do this'.

So hopefully this will do the trick to keep my foot on the gas.

Speaking of 'foot' ... I finally got the referal appointment from my orthapedic surgeon yesterday to see what they're going to do about my ankle. I'm not getting as much pain in it now, especailly at night when it used to ache, but I still don't have any sideways movement. I'm hoping they take me seriously, look into the problem and don't just fob me off. My appointment isn't for another few weeks yet, so I'll let you know what happens.

Jules ... you asked 'How did you get involved in the ambulance duty?'... When Bill and I split up 18mths ago and I went to live with my sister, to get my mind off things, she suggested I do ambulance duty with her (she is a paramedic in Ngaruawahia). And I loved it! When Bill and I got back together I then joined up again. And yes I did have to do a physical exam involving press-ups, sit-ups and running around the block with 30kgs on my back under a certain time (along with other things). I was a lot slimmer then (only 5kgs above goal) and it nearly killed me!! But I passed. I don't think I would pass the exam now lol! Lucky for me once you're in, you're in. So it's nothing to do with weight but on physical fitness and being able to lift heavy weights. Hope that answers your question :)

Wow so much for doing a short update! lol

Where did I go?

I got two invites to go out last night to two different functions and I didn't end up going to either. I feel bad about that but when I'm trying so hard to stick to points I knew that would be impossible at short notice when both functions revolved around alcohol.

So I sat home and watch American Idol, with no drinks and got an early night. And I'm feeling much better for it today with no hangover.

I've spent the last two days writing up a recap on my last eighteen months. I know there's some people here that knew me during my last weightloss website and wanted to share what's happened and why I just 'disappeared' from blogland.

So over on the righthand side there's a section "Where did I go for 18mths?" for those of you who were wondering.

Waiting, waiting, waiting ...

I went for my first organised exercise walk this morning since breaking my ankle six months ago. I do a lot of walking in the shop but never for a full constant 20mins. I enjoyed it although got frustrated at the fact that I wanted to work my heart harder but my foot wouldn't allow it. And knowing I had to keep some 'foot energy' up for my shift in the shop. Still 20mins is nothing to be laughed at even if it only gave me a measly 1.5 bonus points.
I found out today from the specialist I've been waiting to see about my ankle (it's needs to be reoperated on ... grrr ... that's another story I'll tell you another time) can't see me till July. July is too long away! I'm currently on sick leave for my ambulance work and have been since 2 September 06 when I broke my ankle and until I get this damn operation done I can't go back onto proper ambulance duty. Ambulance keep asking me when I can go back onto roster (I'm only doing first responce at the moment) and I can't until I get my foot seen to. Ohh it's all so frustrating waiting for the public system. The other reason I want to get it looked at now rather than later is I want to be up and running again before next summer.
Anyway I got recommended another surgeon to ring instead of my current one to see if he had a shorter waiting list and turns out his is 4 - 6wks to get an appointment. Which is much better but I can see this thing spanning out and out and out, longer and longer.
For those of you who are wondering what the deal with my ankle is ....
I broke my ankle back in Sept last year and had to have a plate and screws put in. Well six months later my physio has told me theyve done as much as I can and the reason I can't get the full movement in my ankle (I can't bend my foot inwards, it's siezed up) is because the tendon is stuck behind the plate. Every now and then with some physio 'jiggling' she can get the tendon to flick overtop of the plate and I get my movement back but it only usually lasts for an hour or so and it's gets stuck again.
I can walk on it fine if I'm on flat ground because I have the up and down movement but as soon as I get uneven ground it goes to pieces. And I couldn't be on ambulance with someone needing cpr on the beach and me saying sorry can't do it, I can't walk on sand.
So this next phase is to wait for my appointment from this surgeon to see what he says. Meanwhile time is ticking ...

Fifteen Months ...

For fifteen months I wanted nothing to do with counting points, exercising or weighing myself. For fifteen months I gained and gained and gained kilo after kilo, telling myself that I didn't care. I'd had it with weightwatchers. I was weightwatchered out after living and breathing it for 3yrs.
For fifteen months I recoiled into myself, losing almost all my friends and nearly my marriage. I lost the energy to survive the day and the motivation to do anything about it. I just didn't care... didn't care how much I ate, didn't care what I ate, what I looked like, didn't care that my clothes no longer fitted. I didn't care about me or my life. Looking from the outside in ... other than being fat ... I seemed happy enough. But I hated the way I felt. And I hated the fact that I didn't want to lose weight. Sounds crazy? I know that I had to decide in my own head that I "wanted" to lose it again. Waiting for the switch to click in my head. But for fifteen months it never happened.
Looking back I think there was just too much going on in my life to even contemplate the thought of trying to lose weight. Marriage breakup, husband's drinking problem which caused me to also drink alot, nearly going into bankrupcy, breaking my ankle and the resulting surgery.
Finally now I'm ready to tackle the fat again ... I think! lol I know it's a hard, long battle ahead of me. One that will take 2 possibly 3 yrs.
And what made it click you ask? I really don't know ... a lady came into the shop today that had the exact same figure I used to have, wearing jeans similar to my favourite ones. And she looked fantastic!!! And for the first time in fifteen months I said to myself, I want to look like that again!

No I didn't drop out of oblivion

I'm not even sure i­f I'm ready for this again.

By "this"... I mean losing weight, blogging about it ... the whole thing. I certainly know that to be successful in losing weight for me I need to blog!

By "ready" ... I mean I have just finished a 150gram packet of Delisio Greek Tzatziki chips of which I don't even want to comprehend the amount of kilojoules or fat I've just consumed.

But for now I'm blogging so that is a huge step for me.

The title of this journal is "journey to slimsville ... again" and by that I mean I have already travelled this road am back at the start having to do it all again. For those of you who don't know me I lost over 28kgs and got to goal of 71kgs and managed to keep it off for a year. Then in December of last year my marriage of 11yrs fell apart. I was faced with the reality of spending the rest of my life alone with four kids to bring up. My husband had become an alcoholic and was starting to abuse me psychologically. According to my sister who is a paramedic and very accustomed to seeing abused wives saw all the signs in me of "battered wife syndrome".

After leaving my husband, who I still very dearly loved, I went through an emotional breakdown and ended up on antidepressants. Even tho I was slim and attractive back then I was a mess! I spent the next 3 months eating my way through oblivion and as expected my weight piled back on. So in three short months I have put on nearly everything I took 2 long years to lose. I vowed I would never let myself get back to my severely obese state yet here I am ... fat again!!

I don't know how much I weigh, I'm too scared to find out just yet.

But it's not all sad news. Through all this horrible stuff I have found myself again. I have learnt about the bad behavior I set up for myself just to cope. Like the avoidance of conflict for one. I would do anything to avoid conflict. I began to compromise my own opinions to stop an argument. I'd say yes to anyone just to keep the peace. And in doing that I lost myself. I lost who I was and what I thought.

As hard as it was to leave my husband, that was the very thing that brought us back together. Yes in a few weeks time I'm moving back home permanently. My husbands drinking is back under control and we are working things out. But it certainly hasn't been easy. I spent 2 months having every manipulating lie thrown at me, laying all the blame on me. Then eventually he started to come round to the fact that he had a problem that he needed to sort out. The day he admitted he needed help was a huge turning point for us. We still have a long road ahead of us with a lot more work still to do but the sun is finally starting to shine on us again.

A big inspiration for me to get back to facing my weight issues again was looking up KiwiJo's journal. She's still going hard ... 4 years after she started!!! Jo you were the original inspiration for me to start journaling and you've done it again! Inspired me to get back on the right road to slimsville ... thankyou again chickey!!!

Lyn :)

Part 2

One night we were sitting chatting together while he was sober and got talking honestly about his drinking. After a period of talking he admitted he had a problem and needed help.

He rang a counsellor the next day and booked an appointment for a weeks time. Maybe this was to be his time for change? The first appointment we were to both go and have lunch with him and his wife. So I counted down the days like a kid waiting for santa.

I didn't get out to socialise much, so when an invite came from a friend to come to her house warming I nervously agreed to go. On the night of the party after closing the shop at 8pm I was really too buggered to go, telling Bill I'd rather stay home and watch telly. I was sure I was coming down with a headache. But he insisted saying I didn't get out much by myself and I had already told her I was coming. So throwing some painkillers down my throat for the head, off I went.

When I got there her and I were the only females amongst all her partners mates. I felt really out of my comfort zone. But decided as I didn't have to worry about anyone but myself, drinkup girlfriend! An hour or so later my friend suggested we go to the pub down the road for a game of pool. I tried to insist that really I was too tired and probably needed to head home to bed. It was Bill's councellor appointment the next day (I didn't tell her that) so knew I couldn't drink too much that night. My friend was very drunk that I knew if she headed off to the pub alone she might get herself in a bit of trouble. So I agreed to go with her, but that I wasn't going to drink anymore and only for one game of pool. And that if anything happened I was gonna drag her arm outa there! She agreed so off we went.

One game of pool later we were walking home and she suggested cutting through the garden to her home which meant jumping off a 4ft retainer wall. I really didn't even think about it, just followed her, watched her jump land and did the same ..... CRACK!!!!! I knew it! I dropped to the ground and told her to call an ambulance. She insisted on just getting some ice and taking my shoe off. I told her "no! Call an ambulance, I know it's broken I heard the crack!" (not being grumpy of course, just very assertive!) She had to call three times because they kept hanging up on her thinking she was a prank caller (yes she was very drunk!! lol) A short while later the ambulance arrived and her and I went for a little drive to Tauranga Hospital (1hr away) in the ambulance.

We left her house around 10.30pm and by the time I got through A&E, had xrays and got given the news it was after 1.30am. I'd totally forgotten to tell Bill. "Hi Bill, ummm ... I'm in Tauranga Hospital, I broke my ankle ... yep it's definately broken ... yeah I'm in here for a little while, they need to operate on it, apparently I need a pin and screws put in ... ummm .... it's a long story... heheh ... ok I'll see you soon".

So at 1.30am he packed the kids up (lucky he hadn't been drinking that night) and got to the hospital at nearly 3am, said a quick hello, picked up my friend and took her home. While I got ready for the ride of my life ..... hospital life .... yuck!!!

Bill rang me the next morning to say he had rang the counsellor first thing the next morning to tell him he couldn't make it to the appointment that day because his wife had broken her ankle and was in hospital waiting for surgery. He'd only arrived home at 5am and up again at 7am to open the shop. He was not in any fit state to drive back to Tauranga for an appointment. The guy went off his nut at him, telling him that he obviously didn't want help and hung up. He never rang back and Bill never rang him back. As disappointed as I was it wasn't meant to be.

I ended up being in hospital for 14 days. Waiting 12 days for surgery with a broken ankle in an open cast ... ouch!!!

Arriving home 2wks later in cast I wasn't allowed to put any weight on my ankle and was house bound for the next 4wks as we have stairs on both exits of the house. Not being outside for 4wks is not a very nice thing. The fiberglass cast went on and I could finally get out of the house and back working in the shop part time. I was then in a moonboot for another 3wks and figured my foot would nearly be back to normal ..... NOT!!

Physio was started, twice weekly at first for the first few months, then weekly. My tendons and ligaments needed a lot of work. Someone told me I would be out of action for a year when I first did this and I didn't believe them. Surely once my cast came off and a bit of physio I would be fine. Ohhh how wrong I was. 4 months of physio and I had most of my movement back but the inward movement still wasn't there. The inward movement of the ankle just wouldn't work (as if you are putting the souls of your feet together). It was siezed! After a physio session she could get it to work but then an hour or so later it just wouldn't. After another few months of physio she realised that the tendon that runs down beside the plate was infact getting stuck behind the plate which was what was giving me so much pain six months later.

She referred me to my doctor who then referred me back to fracture clinic at Tauranga Hospital who then referred me onto my surgeon (all taking many weeks inbetween) who then told my doctor I had to wait till July 07 just to get an appointment!!! I then (on recommendation from the doctors) went to another surgeon who told me to wait 6wks for an appointment ... and I'm still waiting now ....!!!

So my weight all during this time was going up and up!! Now added to the comfort eating, drinking, no self esteem ... was no exercise!! So many days I just wanted to go for a walk and couldn't. I tried one day ... determined ... and lasted 18minutes, but then couldn't work in the shop for the rest of the day as I was just in too much pain.

Then one day out of the blue a lady walked into the shop. She had a beautiful figure, not skinny but curvy. She had a figure very similar to my slim one and she was wearing a pair of my favourite jeans that I used to love when I was at goal. Something clicked in my head. I wanted to look like that again ... and why not?? I know how ... so just do it!!!

And so I decided in that moment that I would only drink once a week and start ww again. Online this time tho, I couldn't face the thought of going back to my old meeting.

So here I am again ... journeying to slimsville :)

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Part 1

I've been wanting to write this for while but had to wait for the right time as alot of the things to mention are still very tender for me and I get myself too worked up.

But here goes ...

For those of you that faithfully supported me through my first weightloss journey I really, really thankyou for that. And I felt terrible that I just "disappeared". But things were not well with me.

This is what happened ...

In December of 2005 I made the drastic decision of taking my four kids and walking out on my alcoholic husband. I went to various places to stay and because I didn't want to be a burden on any one person I moved around a bit for the first couple of months after settling at my parents until I could work out what to do.

It had all happened so fast and being so unplanned I had to work out what I was going to do long term. I still loved my husband dearly and so desperately wanted him to get help for his drinking.

His drinking had gotten to the stage of damaging our family ... he never physically hurt me or any of the kids but in his drunken stuper he would play mind games with me. And it always felt like it was my fault even tho I never started anything. But he would have a way of making me feel so small and stupid.

As a sober person he is the most fantastic guy. And when I married him 12yrs ago I never dreamed that he could be an alcoholic. During our dating time we had a few drinks here and there but it was never every night and never that much.

But gradually over a period of 5 or 6 yrs his drinking got more and more. Until the stage just before I left when he was consuming up to half a bottle of bourben 6 or 7 nights a week.

As with most alcoholic's partners I hid his problem. Until one night when he showed his true drunkiness to my sister. I was staying for a few days with her at the time and he rang her claiming he knew I was going to leave him and hence he was going to kill himself. I had four kids at home with him at the time and I didn't want them to wake up with no one there.

And I also wanted him to admit he had a problem and get help for his drinking. Until that stage I had made no plans to leave him. I was depressed and had been for the previous 6mths, triggered mostly by the nightly drunken routine he had.

It would start with having a couple of beers at the neighbours place after work then he would come home and get out a few more drinks. I would cringe as he got out the bourben bottle to which he'd reply "It's alright, I'm going to be happy tonight, don't stress out". But drink by drink he would start to turn argumentative.

Before my husband and I split up I managed to maintain my weightloss by focusing on my food intake. But I found that after I left my focus totally shifted. I didn't care about what I looked like anymore. The thought that our marriage might be over was almost too much for me to take. I crumbled into a big emotional mess!

I just wanted my husband back, not the one with the drinking problem but the one that I married. I believed he was still in there somewhere.

Over the next 3mths he turned into an angry, bitter man. I'd never seen that side of him before. I'd seen him drunk and argumentative but never ANGRY. And especially angry sober. He started calling me late at night. Our conversation would start of polite but very quickly he would start verbally attacking me and try to manipulate me into coming back. I told him the only way I could go back was for him to stop drinking and go to AA. This didn't go down very well. He felt I was overreacting to his drinking.

My emotions went downhill. Thoughts of suicide started entering my head. I knew I needed to get help before I did anything silly. My sister and I had become very close during this time, she was a huge support for me. Times when I wanted to go running back to him (which was almost daily) she stood up to me and said no, sometimes even taking my keys from me. At times I hated her for that but knew she was right. I just wanted this big mess to go away, and go back to playing happy families again. And the answer at the time was to run back even tho I knew it wouldn't fix anything.

My sister is a paramedic and she sees the result of abuse daily in her job. She sees the mess at the end when guys have dragged their wives down the road behind a car by their hair. And she was going to do everything in her power to stop me going back, because she felt that if I did go back to him that would be me in the future.

Although I knew Bill had a drinking problem, he was never violent to me. He has never laid a hand on me in our 13yrs together and I just couldn't see him ever doing that. But the research I did about alcoholics told me otherwise. This spun my head. One minute I saw him as a victim of alcohol, the next he was the perpetrator.

I just couldn't see a way out of the situation, and the daily mental drain was wearing me down. I remember my sister saying to me "you need to divorce him and move on, if you ever go back to him no one will take you seriously if you ever want to leave again". I knew what she was saying was true about needing to do it once and do it right but I just couldn't face the fact of permanently leaving him. It's almost like a grieving process I had to go through.

But at the end of the day I really didn't want to leave him for good, I just wanted him to change his drinking. So I was torn between trying and move on and wanting to come back. I remember feeling like I was snapping emotionally. I couldn't stop crying. All I would do all day was sit and play patience on the computer while my kids watched tv. I couldn't face leaving the house, the thought of having to see or talk to anyone was just too much. I literally sat infront of the computer screen going over and over and over patience for 8hrs straight until everyone got home from work. The only time I left the computer chair was to get a sandwich or glass of water for the kids.

I think part of it was I had so many people around me wanting me to make major decisions and had so much conflicting advice and sometimes advice I didn't want to hear, that I just couldn't face making any decisions at all ... about anything!!! Even little things like deciding what to cook for dinner was just too much!!

I wanted to get medication to treat my problems but had conflicting advice from my sister as she'd seen the bad side of antidepressants. It took me a few weeks to work up the courage but in the end I went on my own without her knowing.

I felt so much shame sitting in the doctors room, secretly with no one knowing I was there, and him asking me all these personal questions. For so long I had held it all together and this made me such a failure. Finally admitting I couldn't cope was just complete uselessness in my mind. Admitting I'd had suicidal thoughts again was failing. I'd grown up in an environment where you didn't air your laundry in public. Chin up and soldier on was how I felt I should be reacting. I was put on arrapax and hid them deep in my handbag ashamed for even having them.

Over the next two weeks my emotions slowly got better. It didn't take the pain or problems away but it gave me a clearer head to make decisions. And it stopped the continuous crying. I certainly still cried ... every day. But there became patches when I could stop crying.

What I didn't know about antidepressants is apparently a side effect is weight gain. So adding that to the "I don't care what I look like anymore" attitude my weight slowly crept up. It didn't pile on at first. In the first 3mths I had put on 10-15kgs ... ok yeah so it probably did pile on pretty quickly lol.

Given that we still owned a business together Bill was requesting that I travel home to work in the shop for a day as he didn't feel it was appropriate for me not to work at all. So once a week I began travelling back on a Friday night and leaving on Sunday afternoon. And every second weekend I'd take the kids so he could spend time with them.

This stirred my emotions even more. As I walked back in the house I imagined everything was normal. Looking back it was quite bizzare. I'd just act as if everything was perfect and we were happily married for that one day a week. There was definately still tension there and while his drinking had slowed down it hadn't stopped altogether. And I started to think that maybe I was over reacting to his drinking. Maybe it was just all me. Obviously everyone in my home town knew we'd split up but they had a very slanted story. So I'd get hounded from certain ones as to why can't I just come home. Then I'd go back to my parents and my world would change again. I felt I was being pulled from both sides and knew that everyone had the right intentions for their advice, but it was all too much.

In late March 06 I made the decision to move back together with Bill. I knew his drinking hadn't stopped altogether but I could see it had slowed down. And I truelly felt he'd changed. And I was tired of all the caotic advice that I decided to listen to my own heart which told me to go back. Whether or not I did the right thing I don't know and I still battle with that. Most days I say yes I did, but on a bad day everything changes.

On top of that our business accounts were a mess. No bills had been paid all summer and we had no money in the bank. With me gone Bill had to employ far too many staff and all our profits went out on wages.

For the next few months I saw Bill's drinking increase again and I felt helpless to do anything. This time I didn't have my family to turn to (remembering my sister words) I'm sure they would have supported me if it came to the crunch but I didn't want to be one of those women who leave and go back and leave and go back. So I decided for now I had to stay regardless of his drinking.

I had to find other ways of coping. And of course my old habits quickly returned. I comfort ate like there was no tomorrow. And I started drinking too. When I was drunk it dulled the pain. The pain of my marriage, the pain of being in debt, and the pain of being fat again!!! This is where my weight really started to pile on. My clothes were only fitting me for an average of 6-8wks before I got too fat for them and had to move to another bigger size. I so knew I need to lose weight but why? who cares? I didn't anymore.

Sadly with my weight piling back on I began losing friends. I know that sounds shocking and shallow but it was true. One by one they stopped calling and avoided my invites. I lost all bar a small few because I was once again fat. I was even told by a member of my ww meeting that they were chatting about me one day saying "have you guys seen Lyn? She's put on HEAPS of weight!!" One lady suggested they pop in to see me but was quickly squashed with the words "no we'd be the last people she'd want to see". And true to their word they all stopped shopping with us and avoided me in the street.

One night Bill's drinking was really bad and I needed to call the cops on him. They checked on him and he was asleep by this stage so they let him sleep. While I was waiting at the police station for my dad to come the police officer saw someone opening our car door. He ran after the guy and chased him down the back of a block of shops. The policeman was telling him to get on the ground but he wouldn't listen. The guy had a bottle of lighter fluid and a lighter in his hand and the cop didn't want to take any chances and pepper sprayed him, put him in handcuffs and arrested him. It was Bill. I told the cop to lay charges, hoping this would be the shock to change him. He was charged with "posession of a dangerous weapon with intent to use". His day in court resulted in a $150 fine and a piece of paper forbidding him to enter into any licensed premises for a period of six months.

I so wanted to believe that this scare with the law would shock him into not drinking but it wasn't to be. His drinking continued even with the liquor ban. He still found ways to get it, smoozing up to mates to get it for him.

Continued ....