Back from AWOL land ...

I've been AWOL from bloggerland the last week. Well I haven't been totally not blogging just not publishing my posts and doing them in draft only. I've decided an the end of the week that I'm not actually going to publish them. It's nothing against you guys but I've had a seriously emotional week and dealing with a lot of very tender personal issues which I feel wouldn't be appropriate to put on here.

Now don't going worrying yourselves about me or my family - we're fine. To give you a basic outline - I went to a job last Wednesday that involved a suicide in which my ambo partner and I were first on scene and we were unsuccessful in reviving him and it really hit home because I knew him. St Johns were fanstastic and had a huge amount of support there for me both immediately after and over the next few days. It affected me big time causing me to have nausea and vomiting for a few days and tossing and turning at night. I think I'm working through it ok, however my emotional stress is nothing compared to what his wife and young kids have to deal with. My heart just goes out to her!!!

Next step is the funeral on Monday which might bring a few emotions back up again.

I found my eating was very minimal over the week as my stomach just couldn't face it. But I tried very hard to eat what I could to keep my energy levels up. I weighed in at 100.5kgs this week which is a good loss but a weighin post last Wednesday just seemed so insignificant with what happened that day. So I've chosen to leave it till today to post.

Now I've worked through some of the stuff (blogging privately helped alot with this) I'm back to 'normal' blogging again.

Simple pleasures

I'm pleased to say I completed my first three days on the Greenlane diet. I now have four days of healthy eating but not to a strict menu. It was really hard going!! REALLY hard! I found each day by the time I got to mid afternoon I was feeling very lathargic, light headed and headachey. Proud of myself that I stuck to it rigidly all bar 2 glasses of wine on the night of day two.

Bill had a friend/customer in the shop yesterday that he was telling about how we were doing this Greenlane Diet. She said "you're crazy!! That diet is for people who are so sick in hospital. They are stuck in bed and can't move all day! And you guys are eating the same amount AND walking around! I don't know how you can do it!"

I hadn't actually thought of it like that. I don't think it will be a permanent thing for me but more of a kickstart to get my motivation back which it seems to be doing.

Lynda and Jules you are totally right! I couldn't remember what he had died of. I had an idea it was something non-related to weight but couldn't quote that on here as I wasn't totally sure. So thanks for pointing that out.

I'm really enjoying his book for reasons other than weightloss as well. It's been very good timing. We are currently going into winter which is always a tough time financially for us. We're having to live day to day budgeting to pay bills and when you own a shop like this the bills are big amounts ... in the thousands so we have to be very tight with our money. Some days it gets us down and very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway getting back to the book ... this guy talks about another side of life ... one where he had no issues with money, where he was jetsetting all over the world for meetings. Over to London for 8hrs then back again, flying all over New Zealand multiple times in a day, smoozing clients in fancy restaurants, buying big fancy cars and living a life many people dream about. Yet he wasn't happy. He found himself not communicating with his wife because he was too busy being the big exec and by the time he got home he would flop into bed and start all over the next day.

It was a great reminder to me that money isn't everything. I've never had a desire to be hugely rich but enough to cover the bills and a little left over for some playtime is the dream for me. And sometimes I feel very let down in life because we've had to work so hard just to pay the bills. This man made me refocus on the fact that yes we may be broke, but hey we have a great relationship together (Bill and I) where we can be together every night and talk, we can work happily together, take the kids out for a swim down the beach as a family, play 'bat down' out in the back yard as a family and generally we can have the time just to be us, with out the rush, rush, rush of the 'high life'. We have our health and we have to be grateful for those small things because in all reality those small things ... are actually big things in life ...

To simplify it down it reminded me ... 'Don't worry!! Be happy!!'

P.S. - for those of you who asked what happened about Bill's job ... he never heard back so we're taking that as a no. Pretty rude of them not to let him know, but that's ok we're happy with that.

MEN!!!!!

How am I today??

Interesting question ... Numb would be one word. Angry another, helpless, manipulated, alone, lost, nervous with a small amount of maybe I'm over exagerating and it's all about nothing!!!

I certainly hope I'll wake up tomorrow and it's the latter.

As I type this Bill is driving to Rotorua ... for a job interview!

Yep! We have a business we run together, yep I am trying to train as an ambo officer which takes a good 40hrs a week, yep we have 4 kids together.

Why??? Because for the last 3 winters we have struggled financially, because he's lost the passion for the shop, because he's bored.

So much spinning through my head. My life is at a crossroads and will turn in a dramatically different direction depending on the decision of one man in an office in a supermarket in Rotorua!!!

I'm mad!! I have followed this man all around the country for the last 13yrs of our marriage so he can persue his dreams. The whole reason we have this shop is because HE wanted it, not me! And now that he's bored of it he's thrown his toys out of the cot and followed another idea. Leaving me to pick up the pieces.

What will happen to my ambo work?? I really don't know! I finally found a passion. For years and years I sat at home without a passion, no reason to wake up in the morning. Then I stumbled across something that made me feel like I was useful. Now I may have to throw it all away.

Put your foot down and say NO! you say?? Do you not think I have tried that? My husband is a very stubborn man!

What do I do now?? Not much I can do that I haven't already tried. My hands are tied and I'M PISSED OFF!!!

Where would I be without you!!

TTOM finally turned up yesterday ... 6 days late!!! Yes! I thought I was pregnant, not what I needed this time in my life. I was secretly stressing out about it which just made it worse.

So I had two weeks of PMS and my hormones were sending my brain in a spin. Making everything seem so much worse than they actually were.

And then I had a call from my brother asking if he could have my (his) computer back. I had it on long term loan. He offered for me to buy it from him but this wasn't an option (it was a very high spec laptop, very expensive). Added to my raging hormones was the fact that I wasn't able to keep my feet on the ground in blogland.

It was amazing to me how much support I actually get and missed both from reading your blogs and updating on here. Without it I felt lost!

Consiquently my eating was just stupid. Which of course didn't help with my headspace. I felt like I was in a downward spin. Like a skydiver who had their parachute in a knot. I didn't know quite how to get myself out of it ...

Then .... yesterday ...

... my darling husband gave me a present ... my very own brand new laptop!!! Yay! I was so excited, my superman flying down to cut my parachute ropes and pull out my reserve!!

I'm very lucky to have the wonderful man I do!! Not that I'm a fickle female who can be bought with some gift. But it was the fact that he knew how much my blogging meant to me and how lost I seemed without it, that he went out of his way to make me happy.

I love you Bill!! Thankyou honey!!

This could have been me ...

20kgs lost in 52weeks makes an average of just under 400g a week. The weeks I've had a 400g loss sometimes I've been disappointed. Yet if I look at the wider picture ...

Having a small loss is only half of the celebration. Over 15mths I put on 50kgs!! That's an average of just under 800g gain each week ... every week for 64 weeks. Very possible to do if you don't care about your body.

So ... a 400g loss is not just a 400g loss but a potential saving of 1.2kg if I hadn't been watching what I ate!

I think sometimes we focus too little on the huge achievement of what NOT putting weight on is. That's a victory in itself and a very commendable one!! I hear people getting down on themselves because they have gone up and down over a year and maybe only lost a couple of kilos for that year ... but it's not just a couple of kilos that they lost ... it's a potential saving of putting on 40 odd kilos PLUS losing a few on top!!

And to think in the future ... if only we could do this (yet sometimes I think not). 20kgs gone this year (well I'm talking positive here that I'll make my mini goal in 3wks) then another 20kgs gone next year ... that will make me only 82.6kgs!! Ohh baby that figure looks fantastic!!

AND ... to think in a year if I hadn't restarted this journey I could quite possibly be (by going off the average weight I was putting on) by the end of next year ... scary figure ... 206kgs!!!! Hard to believe isn't it??? The picture above is a before photo of someone who was 206kgs.

OH MY GOD that is the biggest lightbulb moment I've had for a long time!!

Feels so good to be moving in the right direction no matter how slowly!!!

Dinner for two ...

Nona ... you asked how the hare is doing?? In his words he is 'shattered, knackered and not really focussed on weightloss at the moment'. We both at the stage now of dreading getting up to do it all over again each day. We work hard and feel proud of our achievements at the end of the day, but getting to be a bit like groundhog day. But summer is short and we have to make hay while the sun shines.

There's been a few special moments interjected to keep our spirits up. Yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary. We were ushered outside to sit on the deck by our two oldest (12yrs and 9yrs) at 6pm and told not to come inside till allowed.

We were signalled to come back inside to a candlelit dinner in the lounge with spaghetti bolognaise and a glass of wine served. The first evening meal they have ever made for us and was all organised by them. They even went to the butchers to get the meat! It was so nice to have our kids old enough to do special things like that for us.

As we sat down to eat they took the two younger ones into the bedroom to eat their dinner (that they'd cooked) and give us some adult time with no kids. They then put themselves to bed at 8pm and we sat and chatted, sipping on our drinks.

Delightful evening!! Special kids that I have!

I also got my birthday present from Bill yesterday, a couple days late but that's ok. A voucher for 3mths personal trainer sessions. I've never had a personal trainer before and feel quite nervous about it. This guy looks over your whole diet and exercise so hopefully he's ww friendly! lol. This time round I haven't done a lot of exercise but I'm sure that's the next step to take and this will be a good incentive to get me kickstarted. I'm excited and nervous all in one. Great idea of Bill's, one that I'd never have thought of myself! Impressive!

Weighin tomorrow and really don't know how it will go. I've been on points for the week but TOTM arrived a few days ago so the old bloated feeling is hanging around, as usual. I'll see tomorrow I guess!

Please don't get out the sticks ...

A quick post to let you know I'm still alive and kicking. Things are absolutely diabolical in the shop and on ambo! We had over 8,000 people through our shop on New Years Eve and similar numbers each day since!! We are literally running all day non stop till we shut the doors at 8pm, have dinner and flop into bed.

And don't think that because I'm doing lots of walking I'm losing weight ... I just don't have the time to prepare healthy meals so we're having alot of instant stuff and takeaways. It's like this each summer for me, I just go into survival mode. When things settle down again I'll get back to tracking and losing weight again. I'm not losing the plot, just have priorities set at a different focus for the next couple of weeks.

Last summer I beat myself up about not being able to lose weight at this crazy time of year but I'm starting to see the patterns now so have made a pact with myself not to get my knickers in a twist and just accept it, knowing when the people go home I have no excuse but to get straight back on track!

What will today bring??

Had a really stressful day yesterday. I had an interview to do for a new ambulance volunteer in the morning till 11am, then a meeting with the station manager, myself and another lady to go over my new role as Team Leader for First Response at Waihi Beach till 2pm then raced home and worked in the shop from 2pm till 4pm. Then an internet meeting with my brother in China via msn from 4pm till 5pm. And that's when the dog doodles hit the fan, when my brother informed me he wanted a 15pg full colour catalogue designed for him by next week!!! That information in itself would have been ok but combining it with all the other bits of stress from the day I went into "I can't deal with this!!" mode.

The good thing was I didn't blow out with food and still managed to stay ontrack with points. I think the other thing that was playing on my brain was my ambulance shift today. This day last week I'd had an extremely full on shift with 4 out of 5 jobs being potentially life threatening. At the time I thought I coped with it well and didn't have too much after effect on my emotions, or so I thought. But last night I just kept thinking "I can't deal with another day like last Friday". It showed me that even tho I thought I was okay about it all I did really effect me.

It will help if today is a nice quiet shift with a couple of nice easy 'safe' jobs to get my confidence back.

Was bummed out to see my weight up on the scales this morning (official weighin tomorrow). I've been such a good girl all week, sticking to my points. But I do know I started a bit of exercise and that ALWAYS slows things down for me. My conscience is clear, I know I've done it all right so if the scales decide differently that's the scales fault ... not mine!!

Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Thankyou you!!

Wow thankyou all soooo much for your support through this! It's so amazing how just having someone say 'thinkin of ya' makes a huge difference!

I arrived home last night and working on getting back to a normal routine again although it's continually in the back of my mind that while I plod along with everyday things my sister is trying to deal with everything still. But I mustn't let that stop me from trying to regain normality.

Her and I have spent alot of time crying over the last ten days along with the rest of the family. There are no answers to all the why questions but it was very helpful to know that no matter what decisions were made differently it looks like the outcome would have been very similar. That in itself makes the healing process alot simpler.

The funeral was very sweet. I was fine for the first half hour after I'd arrived at the chapel, until I looked over to my sister and seeing her grief stricken face made me brake down in tears ... again. Part of me felt so guilty (and please don't tell me off for saying this, it's just an emotion that I need to express to get rid of it) but I have four beautiful children and falling pregnant for me is just so easy, too easy at times. I would have a child for her in a heartbeat!!! But it's not as easy as that. I have offered before and will offer again someday down the track. But for now she needs to get her body healed again and of course her heart.

Lynda you asked what caused this ... she had what they thought were cysts on her ovaries throughout her pregnancy but they didn't want to operate as it would put the babies at risk so they just monitered her pain.

Then one afternoon she got a sudden temperature and the rigers (uncontrolable shaking) so went up to the hospital and as she got there she became overwelmed with uncontrolable 10/10 pain. They then took her into surgery to find out why she was in such pain. As they opened her up they realised that what they thought were cysts were infact absesses and her body at that stage went into complete septic shock and started to shut down due to the poison from the puss. As to where the absesses came from? Not totally sure, they think possibly from fybroids which became inflammed from hormone treatment during IVF.

The positive in all of this is that Trish is still alive, although still in hospital but she will make a full recovery.

Now onto normality for me ... and on the eating front don't really know at all how I've gone. Haven't weighed myself, my clothes aren't any tighter but have not counted any points for the last 10 days. Next weighin will be Wednesday ... ohhh and I have my computer fixed again. So hard staying on track without you guys to keep in touch with.

So good to be back!!!

Update for Lyn

Hi everyone this is Chubbymum here.

Lyn asked me to update you all on what is happening.

It has been really emotional time for them and Lyn is in Hamilton for the next few days.

On Tuesday Lyn's sister-in-law had been rushed to hospital with septicemia, she was 31 weeks pregnant with twin boys.... one son has died and the other wee man is fighting for his life in ICU, her sister is out of ICU and into a ward now.

I will find out more details on Thursday and if Lyn can't update then will update again for her.

Chubbymum

Yesterday's post deleted

Thankyou for your encouragement Chubbymum ... yes I agree with everything you said.

For those of you who are confused, I did an update yesterday morning but at the end of the day I decided to delete it. I was feeling quite down after a major 'telling off' from Bill about not doing enough. When infact I feel I am burning the candle at both ends.

Chubbymum's comment about looking after 'me' first is how I was feeling too but didn't know how to do this when there are so many around me pulling me in different directions.

One thing I am certain on is I'm not giving up ambo. For me this is my time out, away from the four walls I live and work in. By giving out to others during my ambulance day it actually gives something back to me, makes me feel proud of who I am and a sense of achievement.

When I got to the station yesterday I had a really good honest talk to a fellow ambulance officer. Her comment when I'd finished was "So what's the REAL issue? What do you think he REALLY is talking about? Forget all the sideline issues and look to what he is really trying to tell you" This got me thinking (she's great like that) and to be honest I think it's about 'Lyn has a life now and I don't'

To that she replied "Ok, so how can you help him with this, without compromising you"

This is where I have to have a long think and mull it over. I know Bill needs some time out ... a full day off where he can go out and be by himself for the day. But what I need to sort out is how. At the moment my only full day off is at ambo, so maybe it's a matter of shifting our roster around.

Anyway, I'm working on it.

I haven't heard back from the interview yet, but he did say at the end of the week, so that could be today or tomorrow. Either way I'm really not fussed whether I get the job or not. I know that sounds like I don't really want it and in some ways maybe I don't but it will help out moneywise ... wait and see.

I'm sorry to those blogs that I haven't commented on for a while. This week has been absolutely hectic. I've had a few moments to check through some blogs but not much time for anything else.

Today I have ambulance all day, then tomorrow I'm heading back up to Thames for my second ambulance driving course/exams. Come back Saturday night and go out for our annual ambulance dinner. Really looking forward to that. We have babysitters to take the kids for the whole night, and they are picking us all up in the ambulances and dropping us off so we don't have to worry about driving.

It's not very often both Bill and I get to go out together without kids so I'm going to savour every moment. And for this one night I don't care about points, I'm going to enjoy myself.

Sunday morning I head back up to Thames for the last driving session. Then Monday it's back to work as normal. See what I mean about being busy??? Life is crazy and unfortunately when life gets hectic my weightloss suffers a little. But I'll get back into the swing of things when everything settles down.

Just thinking about today for today. I have nearly finished my ambulance assignment due tomorrow (goes towards my driving assessment) so I'll get the final bits of it done in between jobs today.

I'll catch up with you again on my return Monday.

Cya!

Mwaaaahhh!! Ambo courses suck!!

That was absolutely YUCKY, YUCKY, YUCKY!!!!!!!

Another 3 days of cramming our poor little brains with so much information I thought I was going to explode!!! It came to exam day yesterday and we had 3 practical exams to complete by the end of the day. I was getting pissed off with my partner (we were doing our exams in teams of 2) because she just refused to practice. Everytime I mentioned about doing a runthrough of a practice scenario she decided she had something else to do.

In the end I grabbed someone else's partner to practice so at least I could get some practice in.

Normally in exam situations I'm pretty calm and don't really have much problem with freaking out.

As I entered the room for my turn I methodically went through the medical scenario and almost had it done when the tutor informed me that the patient had gone into cardiac arrest. I calmly got my partner and I to lift the patient onto the floor so we could start proceeding with CPR, got her to ring for backup and get the defib set up ... then ... my mind went blank ... I couldn't think ... the silence seemed to last forever!!! I totally panicked and hurried myself into doing chest compressions (done with a manikin). After a few minutes he stopped me ... I'd failed ...

In my panic I had forgotten to check the pulse ... such a stupid mistake!! What person forgets to check the pulse???? I got everything else perfect and forgot the most basic thing!!! I was so angry with myself!!

The horrible thing was I had to recompose myself for the next assessment ... a trauma patient. I just wanted jump in my car and go home!!! It was good that I had an hour spare to chill out and tell myself I could do this, don't panic!!!

I past the final one ... so all in all I passed trauma, excelled in the medical and failed the resuscitation. My tutor pulled me aside afterwards and said I wasn't the only one who hadn't passed and the mistake I made while enough to make me fail would not kill anyone in reality, so I guess that's one good thing.

He also said that my medical assessment was the best he'd seen in the last two courses. So people if you are sick and I turn up to help you ... you'd be fine if your just sick but just don't bloody die on me!!!!

Because it was such a minor thing he's letting me have another go at it this afternoon. Bugger I have to drive all the way up there again but I just want to get it over with. I have dreamt over and over about resus scenarios!!! I think I have it sorted this time ... gawd I hope so!!!!!

Lynise - Sorry I didn't get a chance to catch up again!! I seriously just did not have the time, any spare moment was spent studying.

My food was ok. I took my own tv dinners with me and the lunches were provided ... a filled roll with a cake and fruit ... so I just had the filled roll and fruit. My water was probably a little down, coffee intake way up, exercise down ... but right now all I have on my brain is this resit this afternoon .... man I'd better pass it!!!

Still shivering

Just a quick post to say I'm still alive. Course was really good, I learnt heaps!! That was part A with part B and exam next weekend. I managed to catch up with Lynise while in Thames which was really nice!

The only down side was the motel room I had was so cold!!! And they only had a single duvet on the bed with no blankets!! We came back from dinner on the Saturday night and around 11pm I turned in for bed and shivered!!! An hour later I got sick of being cold and put my polar jacket on, zipped it up, put the hood over my head and buried myself under the duvet. An hour later I was STILL shivering!! So getting quite annoyed with myself I put on my ambulance triple lined, mega insulated, withstand any cold jacket, zipped it up over top of all the other layers ... eventually I got to sleep!! But I woke up in the morning with a tight, wheezy chest.

By late afternoon I was coughing like a seal and in the last hour of the course I just wanted to go home to bed!!! Bugger I had an hour to drive home. I stumbled in the door, grabbed my feather duvet, kicked the kids off the couch, curled up and went to sleep.

Yesterday I was slammed to the floor with this thing ... thick head, sinuses blocked, 'rip my chest out' cough and couldn't even get myself off the couch!

Today I've still had the day off work, but at least able to get up and about a bit. It's a bugger because I'm supposed to be studying but there's no way I could get my head around thinking right now. I have tomorrow left and that's it ... Thursday is ambo all day and Friday I'm off to Thames again. And poor Bill having to cover all my shifts for me.

I haven't been able to track or exercise this week, nor have I had much control over my food. During the weekend all our food was supplied, some healthy, some not so healthy. But I think I did pretty good in selecting between the good and bad.

I'll let you know how weighin goes tomorrow.

"Life stuff"

Hit a stress hurdle today of which I won't go into detail on here. Felt myself nearly hitting breaking point and thinking "stuff it, what can I eat!!". Managed to calm myself, well not really calm but go into a 'numb' state of mind, and just robotically work and eat meals. That seems to work for me when I can't cope with 'life' stuff.

Went out for a short walk this morning but my muscles were a bit sore doing anything longer than half an hour. I had spent yesterday stocking up the ambulance for a couple of hours, going in and out of the ambulance, up and down big steps. Each time I got back into the ambulance I'd have to hold onto the railing and pull myself up. Hence today my right shoulder/boob and left thigh is pretty tight.

Stocked up on some low point snacks at the supermarket, that always helps.

Short and sweet today.

P.S. Thankyou for all your feedback, there's so much knowledge on here, it's great!

NOT FAIR!!!

I have my bottom lip hanging on the ground this morning. It's so unfair and I'm so mad!! ...

I gained 200g this week!!!!!!

Not going to say much else about it other than I soooo didn't deserve this gain!

My evaluation for the week ...

Week ending 16 May, 2007

+/- this week: + 200g
total points used: 180.5/182
bonus exercise points earnt: 16pts
total steps for the week (exercise + work): 29,000
number of days exercise: 4
tracked: 7/7 days
water consumed: 13 litres/14 litres
sugar points: 22pts

Reflection ...

• really can't see where I went wrong this week ... full stop!!
  
  
• Exercise has increased over the last three weeks with 6.5pts two weeks ago, then 11pts last week, then 16pts this week.
  
  
• And my incidental steps up again on last week by 3,000
  
  
• Exercised 4 days this week instead of 3 last week
  
  
• water has been fantastic
  
  
• sugar points ... I'm really impressed with on 22, last week was 29 ... big improvement
  
  
• The only thing I can suggest is that my exercise is up and I had a high sugar point week last week (even tho I wasn't over in points) so maybe my pathetic little insignificant failing last week has come to bite me in the bum this week.
  

Where to from here? ...

• I'm bloody pissed off!!! Dammit I DESERVED A LOSS THIS WEEK!!
  
  
• I know all the theory about building muscle and shit but doesn't make it any easier to deal with
  
  
• I seem to be taking one step forward one step back and that would be fine if I deserved it. But in having perfect weeks, trying my heart out and not seeing the results is heart breaking
  
  
• It's ok I'm not giving up ... I'm just upset at those bloody scales

I'm off for a walk, hopefully that will make me feel better, either that or make me build more muscle and put on even more weight next week!!!

UPDATE ...

I went for my walk, put on my pumping music and stomped out that anger into the sand saying to myself "I will lose weight, I will lose weight!!!". Walked for over an hour and just under 8000 steps/5.7kms and now I have blisters to show for it!! lol That'll teach me!

I'm doing this!! I'm not going to let a little gain get to me ... power on!!

I feel blahhhhh

Woke up this morning with what feels like a horrible hangover, but without any alcohol last night. Thought maybe a walk in the fresh air might help but after half an hour came home and lay on the couch and blobbed. Now just trying to get through work till 4pm and think I'll make it an early night.

Sorry not much else to say, looks like I've succuumed to the nasty bugs flying around I was trying to avoid.

I'll be back on a happier note next time.

More compact

I feel very cheated this morning!! I was perfect all week! Stayed within my points, weighed all my food, drank all bar half a litre of my water, exercised 4 days ... and I think that is my downfall ...

Yep I gained!! And gained by 700g!!! Not a measly 100g or 200g but a whopping 700g!!! Damn it!! 116.1kg the scales said this morning, so not fair!!!!

I feel mad about this, but not guilty. I know I did everything right and the scales didn't show this ...BUT

... I will NOT GIVE UP!

I'm going to prove to those bloody scales that I AM LOSING WEIGHT, even if the head matron scales won't believe me!

Why am I not giving up?

• my hard work will EVENTUALLY show up on the scales
• I remember having gains last time I lost weight, yet I still got to goal
• when I get to goal I won't even remember this gain
• I know it's not about the numbers and all about size/measurements
• my normally tight ambulance pants were not tight this morning even after being in the dryer
• I know with the heavily increased exercise I did this week I would have built muscle and we all know that "muscle weighs more than fat"

or does it???

Not according to this article ...

Muscles are not Heavier than Fat

I would like to ask if muscles are heavier than fat. Why is that so?

And is it possible that if I get more muscles, I will also gain weight or maintain my present weight even if I am controlling what I am eating?

Muscles are not heavier than fat. One kilo of muscle weighs exactly the same as one kilo of fat. A kilo is a kilo. However, since muscle is denser, it looks smaller than fat.

If you asked a butcher to put a kilo of pure muscle on one scale and a kilo of pure fat on another scale, you would see that the fat looks bigger than the muscle. Another way to visualize this is to imagine a kilo of cotton and a kilo of steel. The cotton occupies a much bigger space or volume than the same weight of steel.

When people say that "muscles are heavier than fat", they actually mean that muscles are more compact than fat.

So I change that last point ...

• Because muscles are more compact than fat!!

Here's the rest of the article if anyone is interested ...

Muscles are not Heavier than Fat

Thanks for all the breakfast suggestions. I've taken note of them all and will put them to use. Jen you must have known something. I read your comment about pikelets this morning as I was munching on 2 banana topped pikelets ... lol!

As gutted as I was with those scales this morning I have a busy days work ahead of me and I'm not going to let this get me down.

I don't know why

Thanks Karen and CM :) I appreciate that you are both there for me.

I'm in a really bad headspace right now and originally I hoped that journaling would give me the outlet and place to gather my thoughts together. But this hasn't happened. Instead I feel bad for writing anything negative, especially when it seems to be constantly negative, so I don't write ... then I feel guilty for not updating.

I also hoped that by blogging it would inspire me to get my eating sorted but nope. Mind you I think it would actually take quite a bit to get me back on track. I have to have my head sorted before I can lose weight. It's sooo isn't sorted yet.

I've struggled with depression off and on over the years but always seem to click myself out of it. This time tho it has really gotten the better of me.

Things are going well between Bill and I. He is still drinking every now and then but not every night. His controlling nature and emotional maniputation when drunk has completely stopped. And when he does drink he's learning how to stop before he's gone to far.

Depression is such a bizarre thing. To the hundreds of people that come into our shop no one would even suspect that there was a problem in my head. I smile and chat as normal. But under it all I want to just sit down in a corner and cry and cry and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone and certainly don't want to admit to anyone that I have this weakness. Because to me it is such a weakness. I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

I read an interesting story in the Sunday News this last week about Mike King's battle with depression. And something he said really struck a chord with me. He said the very fact that he had nothing wrong and no reason to feel depressed was the thing that drove him more depressed. He couldn't understand why he felt this way and would tell himself off like a naughty boy.

And that is exactly how I feel some days. Last time I had a depression attack there was a reason ... Bill and I had split so I felt ok about it and was able to deal with it. This time there's no reason. Bill and I are happy, he knows I feel this way and he's trying to help, which makes me feel even worse (sound stupid?)

Last time I used medication to help me through but I really don't want to do that again. It just played up with my weight so much. I've since found out that's the biggest side effect to antidepressants ... ironic huh?

Thankyou so much for your guys concern and I really know you mean well but I don't need lots of polite backpats. It makes me cringe to think that people think I'm weak and need mollycoddling. That probably came out wrong ... it's not that I don't like you for writing comments ... arggh ... what do I mean here??? I guess I'm saying I'm not one of those attention freaks who want so much to have comments written that they will write anything to get people to say ... ahhhh it's ok we love you ... I don't want that and that's not what I'm about ... at all ... ever!! I'm just trying to do something or say something that makes sense ... somehow.

Well maybe this entry has helped. I certainly didn't know why or how or what this morning when Bill asked me why I was feeling this way. I couldn't give him an answer. Lots of little things maybe???

who knows??

Lyn

Bad Day

They say that kids can be cruel and while this may be true ... adults can be JUST AS CRUEL!!

I have had two incidents just today where my weight was the issue of the conversation in an unconstructive and embarrasing way.

Firstly, this morning I had a lady come into the shop from my old ww meeting and apparently the gossip vine is very alive there. The word is that "Lyn has apparently put on lots of weight so we'd better not go showing our faces in her shop, she won't want to see us"

What is it with that????? Now that I'm fat I don't need friends anymore????? I've found that alot here. When I was slim and attractive and had my face in a magazine ohhhh everyone wanted to know me ... everyone was chatty, flirty and so nice!!! Now that I'm fat again ... ohhh boy ... no one wants to know me. Of course we have customers but alot of my "friends" are no where to be seen. How shallow is that???

If one of my friends became fat I wouldn't dream of not being their friend? I couldn't comprehend such a thought process!!

Then this afternoon a rep for cookietime came in to do his usual stockup. I asked him to put in a couple of extra banana flavoured bumper bars because I like them and I treat myself once a week to one and we seem to be selling out of them. To which he replied .... "Ohhhhhh, naughty, naughty!! I'm telling on you! I'll bring out your magazine and next time and remind you not to eat them"

I could have curled up and cried right there and then except for the fact that I'm an adult who has learnt to hide her feelings.

It's one thing to be fat ... it's a whole new game to be fat, get thin, be in a magazine, then get fat again!! It gives everyone the licence to say "naughty, naughty ... tutt, tutt, tutt"

So for today I say Fuck the World!!! I know that sounds harsh ... but I've had a harsh day!! Or a harsh few weeks from a few dickheads!

Lyn

To be inspired? or not to be

So much for not being to fussy about counting points?? I did a rough countup at the end of the day, thinking I'd done alright. Helloooo!! 42pts later!! Everytime I ate something I ate a healthy version of it and I didn't eat anything that was "unhealthy" but obviously I ate WAY TOO MUCH!!

I can see it's going to take a bit to get back into this points thing. And that's where the no count thing doesn't work for me. I think I subconsciously think ohh I can eat as much as I like. I find it really hard to do the hunger signals part. Maybe points is still the way to go for me.

Problem being I've counted points for 3 yrs and I'm really over counting points. I need something new and inspirational for me to turn that 'lightswitch' on. Because as much as I know I need to do this, I am so not inspired right now. Arrgghghhh it's frustrating!!

There's probably a few things not in my favour here ...

• I'm here working in a shop full of food by myself for a week.
• I have no time to get out to exercise
• It's preweek to TTOM when I get all my sugar cravings
• I don't know how much I actually weigh, not sure why this is a problem. There's part of me that needs to have a starting weight to keep inspired.
• I'm not sleeping very well at the moment so I'm getting tired and grumpy.

But these are actually just excuses. If I was inspired enough I would overcome these hurdles. But to be inspired ... hmmm ... what does that mean??

"inspire"

Pronunciation: in-'spIr
Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): inspired; inspiring
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French & Latin;
Middle French inspirer, from Latin inspirare, from in- + spirare to
breathe transitive senses

1 a : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural
inspiration

From the webster dictionary

Maybe this is my problem.

Maybe inspiration is only a God given thing?

Maybe I need to ask for inspiration? Hmmm definately food for thought.

Lyn :)