Made it through the day on plan ...

Had my first full day on plan yesterday and the very first night Bill tries to sabotage my efforts. We made a pact last weekend that we would drink just one night a week. And he tried every best effort to get me to drink with him last night. Can you imagine how bad I would have felt if on the very first day I'd blown it?? But I was strong and withheld the temptation. And feel damn proud I did today!!! Wahooo!!
Met a friend for coffee this morning and made the mistake of catching that last half hour of sleep when I should have been up and in the shower. Hence I was running so late that I ran out of time for breakfast and had to take the car instead of walking... damn!!! My friend is a wonderful cook and makes the most devine muffins. So my thinking was to have that instead of brekkie. Bad I know. Luckily she didn't make any this time and we had a wonderful coffee and chat instead.
Some of my enthusiasm rubbed off on her and she's considering going back to ww too. That will be great for both of us if she does, so I can have someone to compare notes with. We also talked about doing aqua aerobics in her pool together. But have to wait and see if we can sort out our timetables together.

Kabowskers!! ...

Shocking moment came today when I hoped on the scales .... KABOWSKERS!!!!! 122.6kgs!!!!! OHH MY FRIGGIN GOODNESS!! I never in my wildest dreams thought that my weight had climbed that high. I'm not going to talk too much more about it today. The figure itself says enough. From 71kgs to 122.6kgs in fifteen months ... sheeesh!
I am feeling pumped tho even with the scary figures known. I joined weightwatchers online today. I love gimicky gadgets and gave me a bit of fun having a play.
Need to get photo taken ... my next scary step!!

Fifteen Months ...

For fifteen months I wanted nothing to do with counting points, exercising or weighing myself. For fifteen months I gained and gained and gained kilo after kilo, telling myself that I didn't care. I'd had it with weightwatchers. I was weightwatchered out after living and breathing it for 3yrs.
For fifteen months I recoiled into myself, losing almost all my friends and nearly my marriage. I lost the energy to survive the day and the motivation to do anything about it. I just didn't care... didn't care how much I ate, didn't care what I ate, what I looked like, didn't care that my clothes no longer fitted. I didn't care about me or my life. Looking from the outside in ... other than being fat ... I seemed happy enough. But I hated the way I felt. And I hated the fact that I didn't want to lose weight. Sounds crazy? I know that I had to decide in my own head that I "wanted" to lose it again. Waiting for the switch to click in my head. But for fifteen months it never happened.
Looking back I think there was just too much going on in my life to even contemplate the thought of trying to lose weight. Marriage breakup, husband's drinking problem which caused me to also drink alot, nearly going into bankrupcy, breaking my ankle and the resulting surgery.
Finally now I'm ready to tackle the fat again ... I think! lol I know it's a hard, long battle ahead of me. One that will take 2 possibly 3 yrs.
And what made it click you ask? I really don't know ... a lady came into the shop today that had the exact same figure I used to have, wearing jeans similar to my favourite ones. And she looked fantastic!!! And for the first time in fifteen months I said to myself, I want to look like that again!

I don't know why

Thanks Karen and CM :) I appreciate that you are both there for me.

I'm in a really bad headspace right now and originally I hoped that journaling would give me the outlet and place to gather my thoughts together. But this hasn't happened. Instead I feel bad for writing anything negative, especially when it seems to be constantly negative, so I don't write ... then I feel guilty for not updating.

I also hoped that by blogging it would inspire me to get my eating sorted but nope. Mind you I think it would actually take quite a bit to get me back on track. I have to have my head sorted before I can lose weight. It's sooo isn't sorted yet.

I've struggled with depression off and on over the years but always seem to click myself out of it. This time tho it has really gotten the better of me.

Things are going well between Bill and I. He is still drinking every now and then but not every night. His controlling nature and emotional maniputation when drunk has completely stopped. And when he does drink he's learning how to stop before he's gone to far.

Depression is such a bizarre thing. To the hundreds of people that come into our shop no one would even suspect that there was a problem in my head. I smile and chat as normal. But under it all I want to just sit down in a corner and cry and cry and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone and certainly don't want to admit to anyone that I have this weakness. Because to me it is such a weakness. I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

I read an interesting story in the Sunday News this last week about Mike King's battle with depression. And something he said really struck a chord with me. He said the very fact that he had nothing wrong and no reason to feel depressed was the thing that drove him more depressed. He couldn't understand why he felt this way and would tell himself off like a naughty boy.

And that is exactly how I feel some days. Last time I had a depression attack there was a reason ... Bill and I had split so I felt ok about it and was able to deal with it. This time there's no reason. Bill and I are happy, he knows I feel this way and he's trying to help, which makes me feel even worse (sound stupid?)

Last time I used medication to help me through but I really don't want to do that again. It just played up with my weight so much. I've since found out that's the biggest side effect to antidepressants ... ironic huh?

Thankyou so much for your guys concern and I really know you mean well but I don't need lots of polite backpats. It makes me cringe to think that people think I'm weak and need mollycoddling. That probably came out wrong ... it's not that I don't like you for writing comments ... arggh ... what do I mean here??? I guess I'm saying I'm not one of those attention freaks who want so much to have comments written that they will write anything to get people to say ... ahhhh it's ok we love you ... I don't want that and that's not what I'm about ... at all ... ever!! I'm just trying to do something or say something that makes sense ... somehow.

Well maybe this entry has helped. I certainly didn't know why or how or what this morning when Bill asked me why I was feeling this way. I couldn't give him an answer. Lots of little things maybe???

who knows??

Lyn

Bad Day

They say that kids can be cruel and while this may be true ... adults can be JUST AS CRUEL!!

I have had two incidents just today where my weight was the issue of the conversation in an unconstructive and embarrasing way.

Firstly, this morning I had a lady come into the shop from my old ww meeting and apparently the gossip vine is very alive there. The word is that "Lyn has apparently put on lots of weight so we'd better not go showing our faces in her shop, she won't want to see us"

What is it with that????? Now that I'm fat I don't need friends anymore????? I've found that alot here. When I was slim and attractive and had my face in a magazine ohhhh everyone wanted to know me ... everyone was chatty, flirty and so nice!!! Now that I'm fat again ... ohhh boy ... no one wants to know me. Of course we have customers but alot of my "friends" are no where to be seen. How shallow is that???

If one of my friends became fat I wouldn't dream of not being their friend? I couldn't comprehend such a thought process!!

Then this afternoon a rep for cookietime came in to do his usual stockup. I asked him to put in a couple of extra banana flavoured bumper bars because I like them and I treat myself once a week to one and we seem to be selling out of them. To which he replied .... "Ohhhhhh, naughty, naughty!! I'm telling on you! I'll bring out your magazine and next time and remind you not to eat them"

I could have curled up and cried right there and then except for the fact that I'm an adult who has learnt to hide her feelings.

It's one thing to be fat ... it's a whole new game to be fat, get thin, be in a magazine, then get fat again!! It gives everyone the licence to say "naughty, naughty ... tutt, tutt, tutt"

So for today I say Fuck the World!!! I know that sounds harsh ... but I've had a harsh day!! Or a harsh few weeks from a few dickheads!

Lyn

Bad news gone, on with the good

I'm so goooood :)

I've spent the last week on plan, and even with staying at mums. I cooked my own meals at night and ate only fruit for snacks during the day.

Yesterday I woke feeling slim, but knowing I wasn't lol (If that makes sense?) My jeans were still tight but not skin tight.

I did the 'no count' ww plan and loved it. I still feel it is a little restrictive but the positives far outweigh the negatives. It's so good not having to count points any more.

I've definately lost weight this week but don't know how much as I couldn't weigh myself last week. But when I arrived home today my scales had arrived.

I told myself I would be happy with anything in the 80's, but expected to be in the 90's. And I was right ... 94.7kgs ... ouch!!! I've managed to pile on 20kgs in 4mths!! wowsers!!! That's over 1kg a week!

But now that the bad news is over I can get on with the good news ... it's all downwards from here!!

My benchtop oven also arrived so I have baking in the oven some huge flat mushrooms for lunch! yay :)

Bad news is the eliptical trainer was out of stock and they won't be able to supply it so I'll have to choose something else instead.

I had a good week away and the exciting thing albeit slightly bizarre ... I'm officially as of today back living with Bill permanently. We split up for 4mths and for the last 2mths I've been coming back for weekends only. We have made huge progress in our relationship. There's still a long way to go but we're getting there.

Anyway I better go check my mushies before they burn.

Lyn :)

Hoorah!!

Just a quick update to let you know I'm off to stay at my mum's for a few days so won't be able to update till I get back on Friday.

Hopefully by the time I get back our goodies I ordered will have arrived ... finger's crossed!!

Have a great week everyone and see you when I get back!

Lyn :)

The best bargains ever!

As you can tell I've been playing around with my blog and putting my personal touch on it. I just love doing this! Over the next little while I'll be adding a few more bits and pieces and tweaking it here and there. And as soon as I have a start weight I'll add a ticker timer as well. I think it's always nice to go to a blog and see straight away where they have come from and where they plan to go to.

I'm very excited!! Wahooo this could be the thing that gets me motivated again. We belong to a rewards program with Anchor where we earn points for milk we sell in the shop. We've been saving our points up over the past 18mths and now have a balance of over $2000.00 worth of rewards we can 'buy'. It's like the 'flybys' card but for dairy owners who sell Anchor milk.

Anyway so yesterday I went on a spending spree on the computer and 'bought' some goodies for us using our Anchor points.

Here's what we bought ...

Elliptical Trainer

(For me ... heheh!) Whenever I've been to a gym I've lived on these machines, I just love them!

Weights Bench

(For Bill) He's been doing his own weights program at home for a few months now but never had a proper bench to use. He was over the moon that I chose this for him. And of course I'll be able to use it too.

Bodyfat Computer Scales

Now I'll know exactly how much I weigh and can put in a start weight soon ... yay!! Bill laughed when I said I chose scales, especially glass ones. "yeah, yeah, I promise I won't break these ones" I laughed. (I have a habit of getting annoyed with scales and jumping on them!

Benchtop Oven

Our oven has been broken since June of last year, so for nearly a year now I've been cooking meals in a microwave and an electric wok. We bought a second hand oven at a garage sale that on getting it wired in didn't work! So gave up after that. Now finally I can cook in an oven again ... oh the joys of simple pleasures!!

So as you can probably tell a little retail therapy did wonders and the best part ... it didn't cost me a cent!!! Now THAT'S cool!!!

Lyn :)

To be inspired? or not to be

So much for not being to fussy about counting points?? I did a rough countup at the end of the day, thinking I'd done alright. Helloooo!! 42pts later!! Everytime I ate something I ate a healthy version of it and I didn't eat anything that was "unhealthy" but obviously I ate WAY TOO MUCH!!

I can see it's going to take a bit to get back into this points thing. And that's where the no count thing doesn't work for me. I think I subconsciously think ohh I can eat as much as I like. I find it really hard to do the hunger signals part. Maybe points is still the way to go for me.

Problem being I've counted points for 3 yrs and I'm really over counting points. I need something new and inspirational for me to turn that 'lightswitch' on. Because as much as I know I need to do this, I am so not inspired right now. Arrgghghhh it's frustrating!!

There's probably a few things not in my favour here ...

• I'm here working in a shop full of food by myself for a week.
• I have no time to get out to exercise
• It's preweek to TTOM when I get all my sugar cravings
• I don't know how much I actually weigh, not sure why this is a problem. There's part of me that needs to have a starting weight to keep inspired.
• I'm not sleeping very well at the moment so I'm getting tired and grumpy.

But these are actually just excuses. If I was inspired enough I would overcome these hurdles. But to be inspired ... hmmm ... what does that mean??

"inspire"

Pronunciation: in-'spIr
Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): inspired; inspiring
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French & Latin;
Middle French inspirer, from Latin inspirare, from in- + spirare to
breathe transitive senses

1 a : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural
inspiration

From the webster dictionary

Maybe this is my problem.

Maybe inspiration is only a God given thing?

Maybe I need to ask for inspiration? Hmmm definately food for thought.

Lyn :)

Baby steps

I have outgrown nearly ALL my clothes. This is so depressing!! I'm down to around 10 items of clothing of which I have 4 pairs of trousers, well that was until this morning when I got ready for work and I found another pair that I no longer fitted! Grrrr!! So now I'm down to just 3!

I refuse to buy any more because I'm going to fit back into them! I WILL!!

So far I've had WW cereal, s/trim milk and a banana for brekkie and 2 hot cross buns (no butter) for morning tea.

Isn't it so true that when you make a decision to change your eating to lose weight, things automatically come along to test you? And I'm sure this only happens then. Or maybe it's just that we notice it then. I got given a free cornetto icecream this morning. It looked devine and yesterday I would have happily eaten it not giving it a second thought. Not today, although it adds to the feeling of my throat being cut!! I do feel proud of my choice. For now that's all I have to hang onto ... pride!

I'm choosing not to count points at this stage. I'm kindof doing both the "no count" and points plan combined. Basically eating only 'no count' foods but adding a couple of extra things in that I know are good on the points plan. I know I'll probably need to tweek that in a week or so and become more disciplined but it's a far side better than I was eating yesterday!

Anyway I'm doing okay today but then again it's only 10.30am ... I have a long way to go yet!!

Lyn :)

No I didn't drop out of oblivion

I'm not even sure i­f I'm ready for this again.

By "this"... I mean losing weight, blogging about it ... the whole thing. I certainly know that to be successful in losing weight for me I need to blog!

By "ready" ... I mean I have just finished a 150gram packet of Delisio Greek Tzatziki chips of which I don't even want to comprehend the amount of kilojoules or fat I've just consumed.

But for now I'm blogging so that is a huge step for me.

The title of this journal is "journey to slimsville ... again" and by that I mean I have already travelled this road am back at the start having to do it all again. For those of you who don't know me I lost over 28kgs and got to goal of 71kgs and managed to keep it off for a year. Then in December of last year my marriage of 11yrs fell apart. I was faced with the reality of spending the rest of my life alone with four kids to bring up. My husband had become an alcoholic and was starting to abuse me psychologically. According to my sister who is a paramedic and very accustomed to seeing abused wives saw all the signs in me of "battered wife syndrome".

After leaving my husband, who I still very dearly loved, I went through an emotional breakdown and ended up on antidepressants. Even tho I was slim and attractive back then I was a mess! I spent the next 3 months eating my way through oblivion and as expected my weight piled back on. So in three short months I have put on nearly everything I took 2 long years to lose. I vowed I would never let myself get back to my severely obese state yet here I am ... fat again!!

I don't know how much I weigh, I'm too scared to find out just yet.

But it's not all sad news. Through all this horrible stuff I have found myself again. I have learnt about the bad behavior I set up for myself just to cope. Like the avoidance of conflict for one. I would do anything to avoid conflict. I began to compromise my own opinions to stop an argument. I'd say yes to anyone just to keep the peace. And in doing that I lost myself. I lost who I was and what I thought.

As hard as it was to leave my husband, that was the very thing that brought us back together. Yes in a few weeks time I'm moving back home permanently. My husbands drinking is back under control and we are working things out. But it certainly hasn't been easy. I spent 2 months having every manipulating lie thrown at me, laying all the blame on me. Then eventually he started to come round to the fact that he had a problem that he needed to sort out. The day he admitted he needed help was a huge turning point for us. We still have a long road ahead of us with a lot more work still to do but the sun is finally starting to shine on us again.

A big inspiration for me to get back to facing my weight issues again was looking up KiwiJo's journal. She's still going hard ... 4 years after she started!!! Jo you were the original inspiration for me to start journaling and you've done it again! Inspired me to get back on the right road to slimsville ... thankyou again chickey!!!

Lyn :)

Part 2

One night we were sitting chatting together while he was sober and got talking honestly about his drinking. After a period of talking he admitted he had a problem and needed help.

He rang a counsellor the next day and booked an appointment for a weeks time. Maybe this was to be his time for change? The first appointment we were to both go and have lunch with him and his wife. So I counted down the days like a kid waiting for santa.

I didn't get out to socialise much, so when an invite came from a friend to come to her house warming I nervously agreed to go. On the night of the party after closing the shop at 8pm I was really too buggered to go, telling Bill I'd rather stay home and watch telly. I was sure I was coming down with a headache. But he insisted saying I didn't get out much by myself and I had already told her I was coming. So throwing some painkillers down my throat for the head, off I went.

When I got there her and I were the only females amongst all her partners mates. I felt really out of my comfort zone. But decided as I didn't have to worry about anyone but myself, drinkup girlfriend! An hour or so later my friend suggested we go to the pub down the road for a game of pool. I tried to insist that really I was too tired and probably needed to head home to bed. It was Bill's councellor appointment the next day (I didn't tell her that) so knew I couldn't drink too much that night. My friend was very drunk that I knew if she headed off to the pub alone she might get herself in a bit of trouble. So I agreed to go with her, but that I wasn't going to drink anymore and only for one game of pool. And that if anything happened I was gonna drag her arm outa there! She agreed so off we went.

One game of pool later we were walking home and she suggested cutting through the garden to her home which meant jumping off a 4ft retainer wall. I really didn't even think about it, just followed her, watched her jump land and did the same ..... CRACK!!!!! I knew it! I dropped to the ground and told her to call an ambulance. She insisted on just getting some ice and taking my shoe off. I told her "no! Call an ambulance, I know it's broken I heard the crack!" (not being grumpy of course, just very assertive!) She had to call three times because they kept hanging up on her thinking she was a prank caller (yes she was very drunk!! lol) A short while later the ambulance arrived and her and I went for a little drive to Tauranga Hospital (1hr away) in the ambulance.

We left her house around 10.30pm and by the time I got through A&E, had xrays and got given the news it was after 1.30am. I'd totally forgotten to tell Bill. "Hi Bill, ummm ... I'm in Tauranga Hospital, I broke my ankle ... yep it's definately broken ... yeah I'm in here for a little while, they need to operate on it, apparently I need a pin and screws put in ... ummm .... it's a long story... heheh ... ok I'll see you soon".

So at 1.30am he packed the kids up (lucky he hadn't been drinking that night) and got to the hospital at nearly 3am, said a quick hello, picked up my friend and took her home. While I got ready for the ride of my life ..... hospital life .... yuck!!!

Bill rang me the next morning to say he had rang the counsellor first thing the next morning to tell him he couldn't make it to the appointment that day because his wife had broken her ankle and was in hospital waiting for surgery. He'd only arrived home at 5am and up again at 7am to open the shop. He was not in any fit state to drive back to Tauranga for an appointment. The guy went off his nut at him, telling him that he obviously didn't want help and hung up. He never rang back and Bill never rang him back. As disappointed as I was it wasn't meant to be.

I ended up being in hospital for 14 days. Waiting 12 days for surgery with a broken ankle in an open cast ... ouch!!!

Arriving home 2wks later in cast I wasn't allowed to put any weight on my ankle and was house bound for the next 4wks as we have stairs on both exits of the house. Not being outside for 4wks is not a very nice thing. The fiberglass cast went on and I could finally get out of the house and back working in the shop part time. I was then in a moonboot for another 3wks and figured my foot would nearly be back to normal ..... NOT!!

Physio was started, twice weekly at first for the first few months, then weekly. My tendons and ligaments needed a lot of work. Someone told me I would be out of action for a year when I first did this and I didn't believe them. Surely once my cast came off and a bit of physio I would be fine. Ohhh how wrong I was. 4 months of physio and I had most of my movement back but the inward movement still wasn't there. The inward movement of the ankle just wouldn't work (as if you are putting the souls of your feet together). It was siezed! After a physio session she could get it to work but then an hour or so later it just wouldn't. After another few months of physio she realised that the tendon that runs down beside the plate was infact getting stuck behind the plate which was what was giving me so much pain six months later.

She referred me to my doctor who then referred me back to fracture clinic at Tauranga Hospital who then referred me onto my surgeon (all taking many weeks inbetween) who then told my doctor I had to wait till July 07 just to get an appointment!!! I then (on recommendation from the doctors) went to another surgeon who told me to wait 6wks for an appointment ... and I'm still waiting now ....!!!

So my weight all during this time was going up and up!! Now added to the comfort eating, drinking, no self esteem ... was no exercise!! So many days I just wanted to go for a walk and couldn't. I tried one day ... determined ... and lasted 18minutes, but then couldn't work in the shop for the rest of the day as I was just in too much pain.

Then one day out of the blue a lady walked into the shop. She had a beautiful figure, not skinny but curvy. She had a figure very similar to my slim one and she was wearing a pair of my favourite jeans that I used to love when I was at goal. Something clicked in my head. I wanted to look like that again ... and why not?? I know how ... so just do it!!!

And so I decided in that moment that I would only drink once a week and start ww again. Online this time tho, I couldn't face the thought of going back to my old meeting.

So here I am again ... journeying to slimsville :)

Home

Again???

I'm starting again ... again!! Will this journey ever end??? No I don't think so

Part 1

I've been wanting to write this for while but had to wait for the right time as alot of the things to mention are still very tender for me and I get myself too worked up.

But here goes ...

For those of you that faithfully supported me through my first weightloss journey I really, really thankyou for that. And I felt terrible that I just "disappeared". But things were not well with me.

This is what happened ...

In December of 2005 I made the drastic decision of taking my four kids and walking out on my alcoholic husband. I went to various places to stay and because I didn't want to be a burden on any one person I moved around a bit for the first couple of months after settling at my parents until I could work out what to do.

It had all happened so fast and being so unplanned I had to work out what I was going to do long term. I still loved my husband dearly and so desperately wanted him to get help for his drinking.

His drinking had gotten to the stage of damaging our family ... he never physically hurt me or any of the kids but in his drunken stuper he would play mind games with me. And it always felt like it was my fault even tho I never started anything. But he would have a way of making me feel so small and stupid.

As a sober person he is the most fantastic guy. And when I married him 12yrs ago I never dreamed that he could be an alcoholic. During our dating time we had a few drinks here and there but it was never every night and never that much.

But gradually over a period of 5 or 6 yrs his drinking got more and more. Until the stage just before I left when he was consuming up to half a bottle of bourben 6 or 7 nights a week.

As with most alcoholic's partners I hid his problem. Until one night when he showed his true drunkiness to my sister. I was staying for a few days with her at the time and he rang her claiming he knew I was going to leave him and hence he was going to kill himself. I had four kids at home with him at the time and I didn't want them to wake up with no one there.

And I also wanted him to admit he had a problem and get help for his drinking. Until that stage I had made no plans to leave him. I was depressed and had been for the previous 6mths, triggered mostly by the nightly drunken routine he had.

It would start with having a couple of beers at the neighbours place after work then he would come home and get out a few more drinks. I would cringe as he got out the bourben bottle to which he'd reply "It's alright, I'm going to be happy tonight, don't stress out". But drink by drink he would start to turn argumentative.

Before my husband and I split up I managed to maintain my weightloss by focusing on my food intake. But I found that after I left my focus totally shifted. I didn't care about what I looked like anymore. The thought that our marriage might be over was almost too much for me to take. I crumbled into a big emotional mess!

I just wanted my husband back, not the one with the drinking problem but the one that I married. I believed he was still in there somewhere.

Over the next 3mths he turned into an angry, bitter man. I'd never seen that side of him before. I'd seen him drunk and argumentative but never ANGRY. And especially angry sober. He started calling me late at night. Our conversation would start of polite but very quickly he would start verbally attacking me and try to manipulate me into coming back. I told him the only way I could go back was for him to stop drinking and go to AA. This didn't go down very well. He felt I was overreacting to his drinking.

My emotions went downhill. Thoughts of suicide started entering my head. I knew I needed to get help before I did anything silly. My sister and I had become very close during this time, she was a huge support for me. Times when I wanted to go running back to him (which was almost daily) she stood up to me and said no, sometimes even taking my keys from me. At times I hated her for that but knew she was right. I just wanted this big mess to go away, and go back to playing happy families again. And the answer at the time was to run back even tho I knew it wouldn't fix anything.

My sister is a paramedic and she sees the result of abuse daily in her job. She sees the mess at the end when guys have dragged their wives down the road behind a car by their hair. And she was going to do everything in her power to stop me going back, because she felt that if I did go back to him that would be me in the future.

Although I knew Bill had a drinking problem, he was never violent to me. He has never laid a hand on me in our 13yrs together and I just couldn't see him ever doing that. But the research I did about alcoholics told me otherwise. This spun my head. One minute I saw him as a victim of alcohol, the next he was the perpetrator.

I just couldn't see a way out of the situation, and the daily mental drain was wearing me down. I remember my sister saying to me "you need to divorce him and move on, if you ever go back to him no one will take you seriously if you ever want to leave again". I knew what she was saying was true about needing to do it once and do it right but I just couldn't face the fact of permanently leaving him. It's almost like a grieving process I had to go through.

But at the end of the day I really didn't want to leave him for good, I just wanted him to change his drinking. So I was torn between trying and move on and wanting to come back. I remember feeling like I was snapping emotionally. I couldn't stop crying. All I would do all day was sit and play patience on the computer while my kids watched tv. I couldn't face leaving the house, the thought of having to see or talk to anyone was just too much. I literally sat infront of the computer screen going over and over and over patience for 8hrs straight until everyone got home from work. The only time I left the computer chair was to get a sandwich or glass of water for the kids.

I think part of it was I had so many people around me wanting me to make major decisions and had so much conflicting advice and sometimes advice I didn't want to hear, that I just couldn't face making any decisions at all ... about anything!!! Even little things like deciding what to cook for dinner was just too much!!

I wanted to get medication to treat my problems but had conflicting advice from my sister as she'd seen the bad side of antidepressants. It took me a few weeks to work up the courage but in the end I went on my own without her knowing.

I felt so much shame sitting in the doctors room, secretly with no one knowing I was there, and him asking me all these personal questions. For so long I had held it all together and this made me such a failure. Finally admitting I couldn't cope was just complete uselessness in my mind. Admitting I'd had suicidal thoughts again was failing. I'd grown up in an environment where you didn't air your laundry in public. Chin up and soldier on was how I felt I should be reacting. I was put on arrapax and hid them deep in my handbag ashamed for even having them.

Over the next two weeks my emotions slowly got better. It didn't take the pain or problems away but it gave me a clearer head to make decisions. And it stopped the continuous crying. I certainly still cried ... every day. But there became patches when I could stop crying.

What I didn't know about antidepressants is apparently a side effect is weight gain. So adding that to the "I don't care what I look like anymore" attitude my weight slowly crept up. It didn't pile on at first. In the first 3mths I had put on 10-15kgs ... ok yeah so it probably did pile on pretty quickly lol.

Given that we still owned a business together Bill was requesting that I travel home to work in the shop for a day as he didn't feel it was appropriate for me not to work at all. So once a week I began travelling back on a Friday night and leaving on Sunday afternoon. And every second weekend I'd take the kids so he could spend time with them.

This stirred my emotions even more. As I walked back in the house I imagined everything was normal. Looking back it was quite bizzare. I'd just act as if everything was perfect and we were happily married for that one day a week. There was definately still tension there and while his drinking had slowed down it hadn't stopped altogether. And I started to think that maybe I was over reacting to his drinking. Maybe it was just all me. Obviously everyone in my home town knew we'd split up but they had a very slanted story. So I'd get hounded from certain ones as to why can't I just come home. Then I'd go back to my parents and my world would change again. I felt I was being pulled from both sides and knew that everyone had the right intentions for their advice, but it was all too much.

In late March 06 I made the decision to move back together with Bill. I knew his drinking hadn't stopped altogether but I could see it had slowed down. And I truelly felt he'd changed. And I was tired of all the caotic advice that I decided to listen to my own heart which told me to go back. Whether or not I did the right thing I don't know and I still battle with that. Most days I say yes I did, but on a bad day everything changes.

On top of that our business accounts were a mess. No bills had been paid all summer and we had no money in the bank. With me gone Bill had to employ far too many staff and all our profits went out on wages.

For the next few months I saw Bill's drinking increase again and I felt helpless to do anything. This time I didn't have my family to turn to (remembering my sister words) I'm sure they would have supported me if it came to the crunch but I didn't want to be one of those women who leave and go back and leave and go back. So I decided for now I had to stay regardless of his drinking.

I had to find other ways of coping. And of course my old habits quickly returned. I comfort ate like there was no tomorrow. And I started drinking too. When I was drunk it dulled the pain. The pain of my marriage, the pain of being in debt, and the pain of being fat again!!! This is where my weight really started to pile on. My clothes were only fitting me for an average of 6-8wks before I got too fat for them and had to move to another bigger size. I so knew I need to lose weight but why? who cares? I didn't anymore.

Sadly with my weight piling back on I began losing friends. I know that sounds shocking and shallow but it was true. One by one they stopped calling and avoided my invites. I lost all bar a small few because I was once again fat. I was even told by a member of my ww meeting that they were chatting about me one day saying "have you guys seen Lyn? She's put on HEAPS of weight!!" One lady suggested they pop in to see me but was quickly squashed with the words "no we'd be the last people she'd want to see". And true to their word they all stopped shopping with us and avoided me in the street.

One night Bill's drinking was really bad and I needed to call the cops on him. They checked on him and he was asleep by this stage so they let him sleep. While I was waiting at the police station for my dad to come the police officer saw someone opening our car door. He ran after the guy and chased him down the back of a block of shops. The policeman was telling him to get on the ground but he wouldn't listen. The guy had a bottle of lighter fluid and a lighter in his hand and the cop didn't want to take any chances and pepper sprayed him, put him in handcuffs and arrested him. It was Bill. I told the cop to lay charges, hoping this would be the shock to change him. He was charged with "posession of a dangerous weapon with intent to use". His day in court resulted in a $150 fine and a piece of paper forbidding him to enter into any licensed premises for a period of six months.

I so wanted to believe that this scare with the law would shock him into not drinking but it wasn't to be. His drinking continued even with the liquor ban. He still found ways to get it, smoozing up to mates to get it for him.

Continued ....

My lips are unsealed

I have been biting my lip up till now (you should see the scars I've made!! lol). I've been bursting at the seams to tell you!! I've had questions asked that I couldn't answer!! The day has come that I can announce ....

MY MAGAZINE ARTICLE COMES OUT ..... TOMMOROW!!!!

Yep ... tommorrow!!!! I promised Hayley (from Woman's Day) I wouldn't say anything till she gave me the green light. After it was confirmed last week that it would be in this weeks issue I was apologetically asked to keep it secret for one more week until Sunday morning .. so here I am 7am in the morning on a Sunday morning ... doing my update when the rest of the country is sleeping. (can ya tell I'm excited?? lol)

It's in the Woman's Day (NZ) which goes on sale tomorrow. Woman's Day are sending me an online version of the article so everyone who isn't from New Zealand can read it. They're sending it after it goes offsale (so probably some time next week or the week after)

I want to take this part to sincerely thank Hayley (deputy editor for Womans Day) ... she is the coolest lady!!! I have felt so at ease around her and through our phone calls, emails back and forth and of course the actual interview I've made an awesome friend. I was really nervous about the actual written material ... that I would be portrayed as someone I wasn't. And I'm a bit of a perfectionist, control freak (shhh you didn't hear me say that) when it comes to the finished product of anything. Handing the reigns over to her on this was a big thing for me. But I'm wrapped to say she's done a fantastic job on the story and portrayed EXACTLY the feel I wanted. Honestly this lady is the most talented lady and a fantastic friend too .... THANKYOU HAYLEY!!!

The countdown starts ... 25.5hrs to go (the earliest shop that sells mags here doesn't open till 8.30am)

Just a quick note too ... with my website address being published there will be a bit of traffic on here over the next week or so. And I'm sure all my friend's links (bottom right) will get the flow on traffic. If you don't want yourself linked on here let me know before 5pm tonight (NZ time). If I don't hear from you ... your link will remain. Thanks.

Wahooo I'm so excited!
Lyn :)
SW 107.4kg
CW 69.7kg
WWGW 71kg
PGW 65-68kg

Eyes say it all

I've had to relogate another lot of clothes to the "too big" box. I still haven't made the break of actually getting rid of these clothes. Before you all start nagging me (lol) I will get rid of them but all in good time. My brain is slowing bending to the fact that I can say I will NEVER need to wear these big clothes again. I've maintained my goal weight for 2mths now! Wow has it been that long? That's got me thinking about putting a "weeks I've been at goal" figure on the side achievements of this site. It really doesn't seem much of an achievement to just stay the same but I have to be proud of that!

I watched Eat Yourself Whole last night. My heart went out to the girl on this weeks show. She like totally put herself out there, worts and all, showing her weight, measurements and cholesterol levels on nationwide tv! There's one thing to have before photos/weights when there is an after one to follow... but to only have 6wks to show a difference there wasn't much she could do in that time. Seeing the food she ate at the start (chips, burgers, lollies) brought back alot of memories of how I used to eat. We forget how we have actually changed. For the most part we are hard on ourselves because we could have done better with the changes we've made. But we have to continually remind ourselves that Rome wasn't built in a day and that one small change for the better is moving us closer to our final goal. So what if we didn't make all those other changes this week!! As long as the benchmark is shifting we will be shrinking.

Then I watched Extreme Makeover on two sisters who were born with a clef palet (sp). One of them had survived 24 operations to try and correct their birth deformity. I had tears in my eyes on their final reveal! They shined!! Not because of their beautiful new enlarged bossoms, or their corrective surgery on their lips, or their new hair extentions, or their georgous new outfits and make up ... but their eyes!!! Their eyes were so proud of themselves!! (and rightly so!) The saying "beauty is from within" is sooo true!! When someone feels so good about themselves it shows through in such a refreshing way! (especially two woman who have been through so much teasing and stares)

Someone said to Bill the other day "Lyn's a really good sort huh?" to which he replied "she's perfect in everyway". He was telling me this that evening and I tried to correct him saying I wasn't perfect. He interupted me to say this ...

"When someone is beautiful on the outside, but their face says 'I know I'm beautiful and you can't have it' it does nothing for their beauty. But when some is as gorgeous as you AND has a friendly face with open eyes that invite you into their conversation ... THAT IS THE ULTIMATE IN BEAUTY!!"

I was blown away by his words! It was the ultimate compliment. I was embarrased and didn't know how to respond but my heart was beaming!!! The hard times we go through as 'fatties' ultimately makes us even more beautiful!!!

Lyn :)
SW 107.4kg
CW 69.7kg
WWGW 71kg
PGW 65-68kg

Fried brains for dinner?

Happy St Patricks Day and top-oh-da-mornin-to-ya!

Sorry it's been so long since I updated. Busy, busy, busy. Sorry no exciting news either.

I had probably a few more bourbens than I should have had on my planned Monday night blowout, but that's what I love about the points system ... we can savem back with no guilt.

Today was my first day off in 10days so I was exhausted!! Slept for like 2hrs in the middle of the day! (what a nana!!! lol) ... think it's all catching up on me.

Every spare moment we've had off we have been organising stuff for the new shop. We're putting in a really cool till system ... actually the same system that all Woolworths supermarkets in Australia use (well that's what they told us) but it's completely mind blowing at the same time. It does so much that there's sooo much to learn about it. We had a 4hr training session on Tuesday and my brain was fried by the end of it. We have another 8-12hrs of training still to do yet!

We've got the tedious task of entering every single barcode (of stock in our shop) into the system at the moment. Considering we'll probably have between 10,000 and 12,000 different products, and each product takes around a minute to enter in (and not even counting the time of bringing home 1 of each product so it can be scanned) ... am I starting to get it in how big this job is?? lol ... but really I'm not complaining because it's all very exciting too!! Once this system is up and running it will make our stock/GP control so much better!! At the moment it's very hit and miss.

Eating? Hmm ... I've been good, counting points. I'm trying to stick to 18pts for the remainder of the week (supposed to be on 24pts to maintain) to work back the extra points used on Monday night. Last night after dinner I ended up having dessert (which wasn't planned for) and went over by 4pts for the day. (finished up on 22pts). At first I felt really bad about it but on re-evaluating what I did... think I did a pretty good job. I ate fruit salad, custard and a ww pudding. Hang ... 2yrs ago an overindulgence would have existed of far unhealthier things than that!! lol ... I've really got to give myself a break sometimes. But really ... things are going good, I'm eating good, and life is finally back to some normality again!! Yay gotta be excited about that!

Catcha!
Lyn :)
SW 107.4kg
CW 69.7kg
WWGW 71kg
PGW 65-68kg

P.S. Janine ... thanks for the tip. Yes my area leader also suggested this to me. Apparently she gets similar requests alot from soon-to-be leaders.

P.P.S. Thankyou Karen and Jules for your congrats :) And LOL Jules - Christchurch is a liiiiiittle far for me to travel, maybe. :) Thanks for the compliment all the same.

Quick update

Weighin last night gave me a 700g gain. Wasn't quite expecting that much as my scales at home showed a stay the same result. Ahh well, I had a bigger than expected loss (1.2kg) last week so can't complain. I'm still in the 60's so that's all that matters.

My ww leader anounced to the meeting last night that I was taking over being leader when she leaves. A very emotional proud moment for the both of us!!

Sorry this has to be a short and sweet update, I have the computer guy arriving any minute to install a new program for our new shop till system.

I'll update my stats later.

Catcha!
Lyn :)
SW 107.4kg
CW 69.7kg
WWGW 71kg
PGW 65-68kg

2 successful days

My day went really well helping mum with her furniture. We had a few hiccups when we realised at 4.45pm that one truck had delivered their furniture to the wrong address ... 223 instead of 233!!! I walked 5 doors down to see mum and dad's table, 8 chairs and 2 lounge suites sitting under their deck!! I tried to talk mum into the both of us carrying it the 100mtrs to their place but she wasn't too keen on that. We managed to source down a trailer (albeit a very small one) to put the furniture on. So I had our car and trailer down at the neighbours place ready to load it all on with the help of the lady living at number 223. I was nervous about putting it on the trailer incase it got scratched. Lucky as we were about to lift the first piece of furniture the truck turned up again. Their boss had told them to turn back and fix the problem (they were half an hours drive away). I'm glad they did the right thing and came back to fix it, delivering it safely (with no scratches) to mum and dad's correct address.

We left there at 6pm after a good day of hard work (painting mostly). I'm glad I'd taken a packed lunch of salad because mum brought wraps but didn't have any salad to put in them, so we combined our lunches. YUMM!!

On the road home Jordan and Jese were saying they were hungry so I called into McDonald's drive through and got them dinner and you'll be proud of me ... I smelt their food and even handed it all out without putting any of it into my mouth!! 1.5hrs driving home with the smell of McD's in the car when you're tired and hungry ... that's gotta be worth a few bonus points!!! lol

Got home and cooked myself up a healthy low point dinner instead. Talk about a successful day!!!

Yesterday I spent most of it in the shop. I sat down to have my salad for lunch and the staff member I was working with gasped at how much I was eating!! lol (I had a lunchbox full of salad, with smoked salmon and dressing) She said "Are you going to eat all of that?" "yeah? It's my lunch" I said with a chuckle. She couldn't believe that was just my lunch. She said that would be all she would eat all day!! I went on to tell her about my pre ww days when I wouldn't eat hardy anything. No breakfast, no lunch and big dinner. She said yeah that is like her now. I told her I eat far more now than I ever did before ww. But it's about eating the right things ... and lots of them!! The more 0pt things we eat (within reason of course) the more our bodies have to work at burning them up, the faster our metabolism burns.

Until our conversation today I'd actually forgotten how little I used to eat. It's such a psychi of our day .... eat less to lose weight ... IT'S NOT TRUE!!!! I actually try and push the boundaries of how much 0pt food I can eat without gaining. Some nights for dinner I have 3 plates of food!!! But only 3 or 4pts for the whole thing. I'm not saying everyone should do this but for me it works. I fill up 1 dinner plate of 0pt salad with a little dressing, 1 plate of 0pt veges (either corn cob and stirfried zuchinis or something similar) and a small side plate for my meat or ww meal. I don't do this every night but probably 2 or 3 nights a week. I don't believe we should ever go hungry on ww. If you are hungry then I don't think you're making wise enough food choices. There is a difference between being hungry and wanting food tho, but that's a whole nuther journal entry!! lol

I've done a play round with my website here and now there shouldn't be any side-to-side scrolls ... please tell me if it's fixed?? If they are still there I'll have another play. I want to get this right. I know it's no major but I like to have it right.

Thanks for your imput and WOW Chris what a huge achievement!!! 61kgs lost!! I love hearing stories like that, even now that I'm at goal I still buy the ww mags and slimmer mags to see weightloss stories. I never tire of them!!! Now THAT'S inspiration ... 61kgs!!!

Catcha!
Lyn :)
SW 107.4kg
CW 69.0kg
WWGW 71kg
PGW 65-68kg

bits and bobs

We had a great day yesterday on our trip to Hamilton. All the papers are signed and we have our finance for the new shop.

We did our grocery shopping too so I have the pantry full of healthy food again. I've bought up large on lean cuisine frozen meals. I find some days after working hard all day in the shop I'm too exhausted to come home and cook a healthy meal. I tried all the ww frozen meals a few weeks ago and although they are really low in points there's only two that I like, the rest are a bit bland. The lean cuisine ones are slightly higher in points (5-6pts each rather than the 4-5pts that the ww ones are) but they are just yummy!!!

My scales showed an all time low weight this morning!! It probably won't stay down there as my weight goes up and down each day but it's a good sign and motivates me to keep ontrack. It's a big debate whether to weigh yourself daily, and most people shun it. But for me it keeps me incheck with what's happening. I think if you do weigh daily then it pays not to get too disappointed if it does go up (especially if there's no reason for it) because our bodies do go up and down, that's normal. Each to their own, I understand both sides of the argument, but for me it works.

I'm off to mum and dad's batch in Pukahina today. They're shifting alot of furniture and stuff over there so I'm going to help mum lay the house out ... yay that will be heaps of fun! Looking forward to it!

I'm going to pack a lunch for myself so I won't be tempted if anything comes out that I shouldn't have.

It's funny how last week everyone was having a hard time and motivation was at a low point for us all. Then this week we've all made a huge recovery in the motivation side. Shows how much we all help eachother out!! This support network is really second-to-none!!

Thanks to those of you that let me know about the width scroller on my site. I'm having a think about it and will play around and see what I can do to fix it over the next week or so.

Catcha!
Lyn :)
SW 107.4kg
CW 69.0kg
WWGW 71kg
PGW 65-68kg