good girl? what good girl?

I have just finished another mad Easter shift in the shop. There are so many people here ... IT'S CRAZY!! lol and my feet are killing me. Sitting down to do a quick update before the icecream session starts!

This is the scene all around me while I work at the moment ...

... and ...




... and ...

chocolate galore!! And I've been a good girl and only had one marshmellow easter egg (and that was a week ago). It's bizarre, last time I did ww I just couldn't get my eyes off the lollies and chips (some of you may remember that). I had to come up with a whole lot of strategies to stop myself from eating them.

This time I'm really not tempted. It's like they're not even there.

But I'm not all 'the perfect food goddess' ...

We went out for dinner last night. I really 'should' have chosen the vege wrap that Bill got ... but no ... the little bad girl on my shoulder told me to get the Green Thai Curry. While the other shoulder was screaming at me "no! no! no!" But I pretended like she didn't even exist. Like a stubborn child I went ahead and ordered. It was devine, but don't know if it was worth all the bad dreams I had about gaining more weight!! The 'good girl' got through to me in the end even if I ignored her when I shouldn't have.

As bad as I felt this morning, the 'bad girl' told me to forget yesterday, start with a clean slate, don't worry bout it. But this time I listened to 'good girl' and looked up those points for Thai Green Curry ... 12pts! My only saving grace was that I got too full to finish the plate, but still counted the full points as I really don't know the recipe they used.

So for today I've knocked off the 'bad girl' from my shoulder and only listening to 'good girl' ... she's much more sensible!!

P.S. thankyou for your sweet comment Debbie :)

Tiring but fun day

Just a short update tonight ... I'm absolutely shattered! Spent my first full day on ambulance (day shift of 12hrs), but loved it!

Weighin result this morning of a 400g loss. I'm happy with that. I didn't expect too bigger loss given my sugar points were right up there this week. Overall I stayed within points for the week but slipped up on the sugars. Not surprising as TTOM is expected anyday.

I thought I had the day's eating planned, took a packed lunch with lots of snacks and water ... but just as I was about to sit down for lunch at 12.30pm, the pager went off and we were out for 3 and a half hours, while my packed lunch was sitting safely in the FRIDGE at the station!! Didn't see that one coming! So by 3pm I'd only consumed 4pts! Was so hungry I had the starting of a headache. Next time note to oneself "put lunch in bag, NOT fridge!!" lol.

I'm off to put my feet up and grab a bite to eat.
Nite!

P.S. Thanks on the tips of ww treats. Will have to try that berry mudslide ... sounds yummy!!

I'm in ww heaven

I've been doing a little tidying up with my website and adding all the old entries from my last blog (when I lost weight the first time) for anyone who was interested.

Trouble is there are so many entries!! I've completed six months worth (which took me 2hrs) and I still have 2 more years to go!! lol, bear with me, it might take a while.

...

Went for a 20min walk up some pretty steep hills and then did 10mins on my new cross trainer. I have her set up in the bedroom infront of the tv so I can workout to the music channels. Earned myself 4.5 bonus points.

...

You may raise your eyebrows at this, but I don't go grocery shopping. Infact it's been many months since I showed my face inside a supermarket. I have no need to. We own a superette and everything I need for the house we either get delivered to us or Bill gets it for me when he gets stock. Anyway, yesterday Bill wanted me to go to the supermarket to get a couple of red cabbages to put in a produce order for a customer ... well let me tell you ... I was in heaven!!!

There were so many new ww and low fat products out that I never knew about. I felt a little like someone who had stepped forward in time. "Wow look at this", "Ahhhh, cool! I haven't seen that before!". Instead of just walking out with the two cabbages, my trolley was full! And all for me of course .... heheh! My first treat to try was the ww cookies and cream icecream. Absolute YUM!!! I love cookies and cream and to have it in a low fat version ... yay!!

I've put lots of stuff in the freezer for those tempting moments when I need something special without the points.

...

I'm on ambulance all day tomorrow so you all won't be able to hear my weighin result till after 6pm when I get home ... hope it will be a good one. But I'm a little uncertain this week.

My baby she's coming home

It started by looking at Bill's stupid exercise thing, that I'd tried to use but without much success... "the body coach". I was supposed to lie on it with my feet in the air and pull on the cords to lift myself up and down kinda like a cockeye rowing machine. I never did get any sort of puffing or sweat happening.



So I jumped online to see if I could get any instructions on how to use this silly contraption but without much success. But what I did find was plenty of sites offering to sell or hire elliptical trainers. Ahhhh ... now that's what I call an exercise machine. In the past years when I have joined gyms I spent most of my time on these machines and loved them! They gave me a great workout without the jarring on my joints and without the puffing. I would finish my workout with a lovely red glow and sweat pouring off my brow. A real sense of achievement!



I wanted one of these babies! Always have ... but they were just so expensive! Starting at $500.00 and going up to beyond the $1500.00 mark!! But by this stage it was too late, I had fallen in looooooooove!! Maybe I could hire one, but with a $25 a week fee and not to mention bond and frieght, that didn't really seem ideal.



Trade me .... lovely trade me might be my option. After squizzing around for ummm about a couple of hours I set my eyes on her! An imported American pearler with the whole shabang and gadgets .... mmmm .... gadgets .... loooove gadgets!



Problem was I'd fallen for her and the auction wasn't to close for another 8hrs. I put in a small bid bringing the total asking price tooooo .... $48!! Alas someone jumped straight after me with a higher bid. So I played hard to get, snobbing her (as hard as it was) until the time was right. The longest 8hr wait in a very long time!! I nervously brought the subject up with Bill, that I had been bad, very bad! Taking a deep breath and eyes to the ground, I admitted I had bid on the auction. To my surprise he was all for it! He even did a bit more research with me to find out the RRP's. I asked him what price he thought I should go up to. $500 or $600 ... ohhh noo I didn't want to pay that much! I settled on $200 - $250.



9pm was the closing time so at 8pm on the dot I was back on the computer to see how the auction was going. It was up to $145 and a whole new set of bidders had entered the auction. How dare they? She's mine!! Didn't they realise that? I still continued to bite my lip until the last moment ... 5 mins to go ... I suddenly had a spur of emotions and entered in an auto bid of $210. If it went beyond that then she wasn't to be mine and I had to accept the fact of letting her go. 4 mins to go ... bidding was up to $180 .... 3 mins ... $190 .... 2 mins ... $200 .... 1 min $205 ... still in the lead ... one more bid from "them" and I would lose her.... 30 secs to go ... no more bids ... 10 secs ... still in the lead ... then ... "closing" ... I let out a scream ... "yes!!!", then I realised about the "auto extend" ... I'd have to wait another 2 minutes ... hadn't I waited for her for long enough??? Countdown to the final 2 minutes and then I could relax ... she was mine!!!



I ran upstairs to share my excitement with Bill. He too was excited for me. "I'll tell ya what" he said "I'll go up to Auckland tomorrow and pick it up for you" ... "would you do that?? for me??" ... "yes of course, you deserve it with the hard work you have put in with your weightloss"



So here I am awaiting her arrival ... here's a photo of her ...







Isn't she beautiful??? ....


oops wrong pic sorry ... here she is ...





I'll update you tomorrow on how she settles in when she gets here ..... oooooooo, I'm so excited!!

Kids ... ya gotta love em!

It's really neat to see people pop their heads up to say hi that followed my first journal! Thankyou for all your kind comments. A friend suggested a whileback that I make my journal private and by invite only this time, after I told her I got burnt a little by being so public last time. I seriously contemplated this but decided that the few bad comments I got last time were far outweighed by the support I got from everyone else. Thankyou to you guys :)

I ended up going over my points last night, first time ever since I started back doing points. I knew my total was heading up there by mid afternoon so did a rescue remedy and got out my handy, dandy point free soup for dinner. But of course had to add some bacon to it to please the man.

I woke up so disappointed in myself this morning. Went to the computer first thing, entered my points for yesterday and realised in having the low point dinner I was only over by 3pts. Pffffft!! What was I complaining about?? I'd get rid of that in one walk.

To give you a bit of background about my walking ... I can't! Well I can but only in very short doses, due to the ankle. I tell ya, there is nothing as frustrating as wanting to get out in the sunshine for a good hardworking walk and not being able to. As yesterday was my day off from work I'd rested my ankle all day and it felt pretty good this morning (no limp) so I took my chances and went! The last exercise walk I'd been on was a week or so ago, I made it to 20mins.

So today determination kick in to beat the record. And on arrival back at depo .... 35mins!!!! Wahooo! Aaaand ... bonus points of ... yep you guessed it ... 3pts!! So I'm all square :)

The sugar points still might get me in the bum on the scales this week but it's all good, I've done everything I can.

Malachi (9yrs) made me smile yesterday when I asked him to get me a can of baked beans from the shop he came up with Oak ones rather than the Watties ones I normally use. Before I could say anything he proudly announced that the Oak ones had lower saturated fat than the Watties so that's why he chose them. How cool is that? I'd never told him to look at the nutritional label, nor have I ever explained to him that I am cutting back in saturated fat. He must have just over heard me talking about it. I gave him a big hug and said Thanks!

On the bright side

I watched an interesting episode of Oprah last night, about a philosophy I've always believed in and tried to live by. Basically stating that there is a law in the universe that states energy is attracted to like energy. For example if we output positive energy or positive thinking we will attract positive things into our lives.

I know that when I made a conscious decision to change "me" a few months ago I stopped going on the downward spiral I was headed down and slowly began climbing back up. And I stopped waiting for everything else around me to change first. Often we say to ourselves if only my job was better or if only I had more money etc, I would be happy. But if I say I'm going to be happy, I choose to be positive then gradually bit by bit life becomes a nicer place. Alot of this also has to do with gratitude. If we become grateful for what we do have then we output positive energy.

One thing to note is that this decision can only come from within. You can't tell someone to be happy if in their own head they don't want to. Likewise, you can never tell a person suffering from depression to "snap out of it". It is only something we can choose for ourselves.

On the day I decided enough was enough with my weight and I was going to change I really didn't feel like changing. And for the first day after I still felt down about myself but there was a twinkling of "hey I'm not going to get any fatter, I may not be slim yet and have a very long way to go, but at least I'm not going to get worse"

I agreed with Oprah's point about finding the lessons to be learnt in every bad situation being the way to find gratitude.

My example:

The fact that I put all my weight back on and now have to lose it all again means ...

• that I now have empathy for anyone else going through the same situation.
• I am not so obsessed about the exact result on the scales each week and more wanting to change my lifestyle rather than follow a "diet"
• I learnt that I am a comfort eater (contrary to my thinking last time I lost weight) and therefore can learn to recognise the signs and put in place mechanisms to stop it
• I already have a wardrobe full of beautiful slim clothes waiting for me to fit into
• I have stopped being the "diet goddess who knows all" and see overweight people in a kinder way
• I have learnt more about "me" and the inner reasons behind my weight

Wow that felt great!!!! It really works!! I highly recommend everyone to do this and see how you feel. Write down something bad that has happened to you, be it big or small, and list down all the positives or lessons learnt.

Man am I pumped for today!!!

Food fit for a king

Ok, ok point taken ... lol. Thankyou for all the lovely advice, have taken on board, no more negative thinking here anymore.

Finished my day exactly on points yesterday and even had enough to indulge on a frozen mars bar. That is one thing I love about the points program, you can have decadence like that without the guilt.

I also cooked a yum, yum recipe for dinner. Bill wouldn't believe me that it was a ww recipe. He said he just looked at the creamy sauce and figured I mustn't be eating healthy for dinner. It was one of the first meals I've had since being back on plan that didn't in any way seem healthy but was.

For those of you who want to try it, here it is ...

Chicken Bocaiola (serves 4 - each serve is 5.5pts)
(from the Pure Points recipe book)

• 3 rashers of bacon, trimmed of fat and rind, chopped
• 500g chicken breast fillets, skin removed, chopped
• 2 leeks sliced (I didn't have leeks so used 1 onion and 10 brussel sprouts instead)
• 1 tsp minced garlic
• 1 tbs flour
• 1 cup water
• 1 chicken stock cube
• 1/4 tsp wholegrain mustard
• 1/2 cup light sour cream
• 200g button mushrooms, chopped
• 1/4 cup fresh basil leaves, chopped (I didn't have these so omitted them)

1. Wrap bacon in absorbent paper and cook in microwave for 1 1/2-2 minutes until crispy. Drain on fresh absorbent paper.
2. Coat a pan with cooking spray, heat and cook the chicken until browned and tender. Remove the chicken from the pan. To the same pan stir in the leeks and garlic. Cook for a further 30 seconds.
3. Stir the flour into the leek mixture. Remove from the heat and stir in the combined water, stock cube and mustard. Return to the heat and cook until the mixture boils and thickens.
4. Return the chicken to the pan and stir in the sour cream, mushrooms, basil and bacon. Cook gently until heated through. Serve with point free vegetables or salad.

Delish!!!!

Soldier on

Looks like I have to take a leaf out of my own book. 600g loss this morning taking me to my first 5kgs gone, I should be jumping with glee! Not sure why I'm not. Time to sit back and realise how well I've done, even tho it feels I should have done better. A perfect week with points and water. Weight watchers recommends anything between 500g and 1kg loss per week is good ... so it's good.

Some of my melancholy is probably hanging over my head from yesterday. Over the past 18mths I have done ambulance off and on, stopping for periods of time when things got a bit crazy and when I broke my ankle. Previously everytime I have been booked in to do my next level exams I've had to pull out due to circumstances. Now I felt ready to finally do my exams, being held on the 21st and 22nd April. But was told by the ambulance area manager last night that I wasn't booked in because I wasn't ready. I respect his decision but was so disappointed. I don't think it was a reflection on my capabilities, but purely on the fact that I have only been back on duty for the past few months, and have had limited call outs during that time. It was so hard not to take it personally. There will still be a next time but just feeling the need to quietly wallow today.

Think I need to put yesterday behind me and focus on today ... onwards and upwards (or downwards in my case)

I put that horrible, horrible front view photo on my blog yesterday, man do I hate that photo!! I made myself put it up there to motivate me to keep going and get into that bikini again!

You've done so well, don't give up now

I've been very resorceful this morning and made a HUGE pot full of point free soup to freeze. It started off with Bill asking me to make something with the left over celery from the shop and grew to filling a 15 litre preserving pan full of vege soup.

I found a new blog yesterday of a lady who had lost HEAPS of weight already, over 40kgs infact. I was so impressed that I read her journal from start to finish, over 2 years worth of entries. She had me so inspired!! But the interesting thing was in the last few months I noticed her entries had changed from focusing on where she'd come from to focusing on the last few kilos that wouldn't budge. She felt so frustrated and unmotivated. If only she could see the big picture again of what a fantastic achievement she had already accomplished. Sometimes it's hard not to focus on the next kilo that won't move and get disheartened.

I remember when I had put on 5 or 6 kilos I felt so fat, like I was back at the start again. Looking back now I so wish I only had 5 or 6 kilos to get back off again, rather than the 50 or so I have to lose now.

It's all about perspective. Sometimes we need to appreciate everything we've done instead of getting down about the numbers on the scales that week. In the big picture one weeks loss or gain is such a small part over the whole journey.

Plate licking syndrome

It feels so nice to be among friends again. Thankyou to those of you who posted lovely comments!

Some of you may be wondering why I would be so open. Up until now all these thoughts have been in my head and I haven't actually sat down and written out everything that had happened over the last year. In doing so was actually theraputic for me. I liked Julie's comment about being a diary that talks back. That's exactly it.

I'm in the excited mode of the program at the moment where I stick to my points rigidly. The bad side of this is when I go wrong my habit is to blow out. So I'm concentrating on not letting this happen.

I did perfect all day yesterday until I was dishing up the rice. I had allowed for 1cup of rice for dinner, but do you think I could stop the spoon going back into the leftover rice for more? Awww just a little bit more, ok maybe a bit more. For goodness sake, it's only rice!! Not like it yummy cabanara or anything. And do you think I could stop when I got full??? Hmmm, well almost! lol I did stop before my plate was licked clean but I should have stopped even sooner. I left probably a quarter of a cup of rice. I guess that's a start. Next time I'll try a little better.

The good thing was that I didn't think "stuff it, I'll have some icecream now too"

Where did I go?

I got two invites to go out last night to two different functions and I didn't end up going to either. I feel bad about that but when I'm trying so hard to stick to points I knew that would be impossible at short notice when both functions revolved around alcohol.

So I sat home and watch American Idol, with no drinks and got an early night. And I'm feeling much better for it today with no hangover.

I've spent the last two days writing up a recap on my last eighteen months. I know there's some people here that knew me during my last weightloss website and wanted to share what's happened and why I just 'disappeared' from blogland.

So over on the righthand side there's a section "Where did I go for 18mths?" for those of you who were wondering.

I'm going to be an aunty!

I found out a few weeks ago that my sister is pregnant, so I'm going to be an aunty for the first time!!

She has been trying to have children for over 10yrs with lots of ups and downs and hurdles to overcome to finally get pregnant and now she is! I'm very happy for her. It's so nice to see her experiencing for herself the joys and excitement that she watched me go through four times.

In the end she and her husband were on their final try of IVF with 4 unsuccesful attempts. If it didn't work this time then that was it, they were going to stop trying. They managed to extract alot of eggs this time but only 2 embryos developed. They used both embryos to get a higher chance of getting pregnant and guess what I found out last night??? ...

... she's now pregnant with twins! Both embryos attached!! I am just so excited for her!!!

At the moment she's both excited and in shock as to how she's going to cope with twins lol. I'm sure she'll be fine!!

I know this has nothing to do with my weightloss lol ... but just wanted to share my exciting news!! :)

Did you have sex last night? ...

I don't know why I was so nervous to hop on the scales this morning...

I'd been good all week, and tracked all my food and stuck to my points, so there was no reason to think I wouldn't have a loss.

I guess I felt that I'd given it 100% effort this week and did the best I possibly could, so if the scales didn't show a loss then there was no hope for me in ever getting this weight off.

Sheesh you'd think I'd know this works! It worked for me last time I lost weight so why wouldn't it this time? Duh!!!

A lovely 2.3kg loss for me this week, which doubles my weightloss to-date. I'd lost a total of 2.3kgs in 3 wks before today now I've lost a total of 4.6kgs. Yay my first 5kg mark is just around the corner.

It's nice to have this excitement about having lost only 4.6kgs! lol I lost that feeling long, long ago, well before I reached goal last time.

My weightloss this week has put a smug little smile on my face today. Like someone who had sex last night but can't skite about it to the world.

Come on you know the smile!

Insy Winsy ...

Insy Winsy spider climbed up the spout,

Down came the rain and washed pour insy out,

Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain,

And then insy winsy spider climbed up the spout again

This nursery rhyme has significance for me today. I've been doing some changes to my website and as I was going to sleep last night this rhyme came to me as a theme for my website. I tried all day to change the template to put in a new banner I'd created but got stumped on html coding, so didn't get to put up the ïnsy winsy' banner after all.

But I still like the association of this poem. It describes what I've been through and come out of in the last 18mths. I may have been washed out by the rain but I'm not down and out yet ... spout here I come!!!

Waiting, waiting, waiting ...

I went for my first organised exercise walk this morning since breaking my ankle six months ago. I do a lot of walking in the shop but never for a full constant 20mins. I enjoyed it although got frustrated at the fact that I wanted to work my heart harder but my foot wouldn't allow it. And knowing I had to keep some 'foot energy' up for my shift in the shop. Still 20mins is nothing to be laughed at even if it only gave me a measly 1.5 bonus points.
I found out today from the specialist I've been waiting to see about my ankle (it's needs to be reoperated on ... grrr ... that's another story I'll tell you another time) can't see me till July. July is too long away! I'm currently on sick leave for my ambulance work and have been since 2 September 06 when I broke my ankle and until I get this damn operation done I can't go back onto proper ambulance duty. Ambulance keep asking me when I can go back onto roster (I'm only doing first responce at the moment) and I can't until I get my foot seen to. Ohh it's all so frustrating waiting for the public system. The other reason I want to get it looked at now rather than later is I want to be up and running again before next summer.
Anyway I got recommended another surgeon to ring instead of my current one to see if he had a shorter waiting list and turns out his is 4 - 6wks to get an appointment. Which is much better but I can see this thing spanning out and out and out, longer and longer.
For those of you who are wondering what the deal with my ankle is ....
I broke my ankle back in Sept last year and had to have a plate and screws put in. Well six months later my physio has told me theyve done as much as I can and the reason I can't get the full movement in my ankle (I can't bend my foot inwards, it's siezed up) is because the tendon is stuck behind the plate. Every now and then with some physio 'jiggling' she can get the tendon to flick overtop of the plate and I get my movement back but it only usually lasts for an hour or so and it's gets stuck again.
I can walk on it fine if I'm on flat ground because I have the up and down movement but as soon as I get uneven ground it goes to pieces. And I couldn't be on ambulance with someone needing cpr on the beach and me saying sorry can't do it, I can't walk on sand.
So this next phase is to wait for my appointment from this surgeon to see what he says. Meanwhile time is ticking ...

Are my jeans playing tricks on me?

It may just be my imagination but I'm sure my jeans feel baggy today. I haven't weighed myself since last Thursday and don't want to till next weigh day but you know when you just feel lighter. And ..... I had my first weightloss compliment today. A regular customer told me she said I looked thinner in the face, that she could tell that I'd lost weight. Now I don't go round telling people I'm on a weightloss thing but was talking to her bout my 'alcohol only once a week' thingy and that's when she told me it must be working cuz I'm looking really good. Yay me!!!!

How can I eat that much?

It's been a while since i updated. I've done the core ww plan for the last few weeks and while I had a good loss the first week, last week I lost only 500g and this week put on 400g. I don't think it's the fault of the programme but that it's not strict enough for me.
So this week I've swapped over to points again. I was a little worried in doing this because i was well and truelly pointed out when I finished up with ww 18mths ago. But surprisingly it's like coming home. There's a sense of security in knowing what I'm doing.
While doing ww last time I was on 18-20pts per day and got used to that. So I was shocked when this time I'm told to eat 27pts a day!! It's a mixture of excitement and nervousness at eating that much. But I think as long as I keep my portion sizes acurate I should be ok. We'll wait and see ...

... sheesh 27pts!???!!

Made it through the day on plan ...

Had my first full day on plan yesterday and the very first night Bill tries to sabotage my efforts. We made a pact last weekend that we would drink just one night a week. And he tried every best effort to get me to drink with him last night. Can you imagine how bad I would have felt if on the very first day I'd blown it?? But I was strong and withheld the temptation. And feel damn proud I did today!!! Wahooo!!
Met a friend for coffee this morning and made the mistake of catching that last half hour of sleep when I should have been up and in the shower. Hence I was running so late that I ran out of time for breakfast and had to take the car instead of walking... damn!!! My friend is a wonderful cook and makes the most devine muffins. So my thinking was to have that instead of brekkie. Bad I know. Luckily she didn't make any this time and we had a wonderful coffee and chat instead.
Some of my enthusiasm rubbed off on her and she's considering going back to ww too. That will be great for both of us if she does, so I can have someone to compare notes with. We also talked about doing aqua aerobics in her pool together. But have to wait and see if we can sort out our timetables together.

Kabowskers!! ...

Shocking moment came today when I hoped on the scales .... KABOWSKERS!!!!! 122.6kgs!!!!! OHH MY FRIGGIN GOODNESS!! I never in my wildest dreams thought that my weight had climbed that high. I'm not going to talk too much more about it today. The figure itself says enough. From 71kgs to 122.6kgs in fifteen months ... sheeesh!
I am feeling pumped tho even with the scary figures known. I joined weightwatchers online today. I love gimicky gadgets and gave me a bit of fun having a play.
Need to get photo taken ... my next scary step!!

Fifteen Months ...

For fifteen months I wanted nothing to do with counting points, exercising or weighing myself. For fifteen months I gained and gained and gained kilo after kilo, telling myself that I didn't care. I'd had it with weightwatchers. I was weightwatchered out after living and breathing it for 3yrs.
For fifteen months I recoiled into myself, losing almost all my friends and nearly my marriage. I lost the energy to survive the day and the motivation to do anything about it. I just didn't care... didn't care how much I ate, didn't care what I ate, what I looked like, didn't care that my clothes no longer fitted. I didn't care about me or my life. Looking from the outside in ... other than being fat ... I seemed happy enough. But I hated the way I felt. And I hated the fact that I didn't want to lose weight. Sounds crazy? I know that I had to decide in my own head that I "wanted" to lose it again. Waiting for the switch to click in my head. But for fifteen months it never happened.
Looking back I think there was just too much going on in my life to even contemplate the thought of trying to lose weight. Marriage breakup, husband's drinking problem which caused me to also drink alot, nearly going into bankrupcy, breaking my ankle and the resulting surgery.
Finally now I'm ready to tackle the fat again ... I think! lol I know it's a hard, long battle ahead of me. One that will take 2 possibly 3 yrs.
And what made it click you ask? I really don't know ... a lady came into the shop today that had the exact same figure I used to have, wearing jeans similar to my favourite ones. And she looked fantastic!!! And for the first time in fifteen months I said to myself, I want to look like that again!

I don't know why

Thanks Karen and CM :) I appreciate that you are both there for me.

I'm in a really bad headspace right now and originally I hoped that journaling would give me the outlet and place to gather my thoughts together. But this hasn't happened. Instead I feel bad for writing anything negative, especially when it seems to be constantly negative, so I don't write ... then I feel guilty for not updating.

I also hoped that by blogging it would inspire me to get my eating sorted but nope. Mind you I think it would actually take quite a bit to get me back on track. I have to have my head sorted before I can lose weight. It's sooo isn't sorted yet.

I've struggled with depression off and on over the years but always seem to click myself out of it. This time tho it has really gotten the better of me.

Things are going well between Bill and I. He is still drinking every now and then but not every night. His controlling nature and emotional maniputation when drunk has completely stopped. And when he does drink he's learning how to stop before he's gone to far.

Depression is such a bizarre thing. To the hundreds of people that come into our shop no one would even suspect that there was a problem in my head. I smile and chat as normal. But under it all I want to just sit down in a corner and cry and cry and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone and certainly don't want to admit to anyone that I have this weakness. Because to me it is such a weakness. I feel so guilty for feeling like this.

I read an interesting story in the Sunday News this last week about Mike King's battle with depression. And something he said really struck a chord with me. He said the very fact that he had nothing wrong and no reason to feel depressed was the thing that drove him more depressed. He couldn't understand why he felt this way and would tell himself off like a naughty boy.

And that is exactly how I feel some days. Last time I had a depression attack there was a reason ... Bill and I had split so I felt ok about it and was able to deal with it. This time there's no reason. Bill and I are happy, he knows I feel this way and he's trying to help, which makes me feel even worse (sound stupid?)

Last time I used medication to help me through but I really don't want to do that again. It just played up with my weight so much. I've since found out that's the biggest side effect to antidepressants ... ironic huh?

Thankyou so much for your guys concern and I really know you mean well but I don't need lots of polite backpats. It makes me cringe to think that people think I'm weak and need mollycoddling. That probably came out wrong ... it's not that I don't like you for writing comments ... arggh ... what do I mean here??? I guess I'm saying I'm not one of those attention freaks who want so much to have comments written that they will write anything to get people to say ... ahhhh it's ok we love you ... I don't want that and that's not what I'm about ... at all ... ever!! I'm just trying to do something or say something that makes sense ... somehow.

Well maybe this entry has helped. I certainly didn't know why or how or what this morning when Bill asked me why I was feeling this way. I couldn't give him an answer. Lots of little things maybe???

who knows??

Lyn

Bad Day

They say that kids can be cruel and while this may be true ... adults can be JUST AS CRUEL!!

I have had two incidents just today where my weight was the issue of the conversation in an unconstructive and embarrasing way.

Firstly, this morning I had a lady come into the shop from my old ww meeting and apparently the gossip vine is very alive there. The word is that "Lyn has apparently put on lots of weight so we'd better not go showing our faces in her shop, she won't want to see us"

What is it with that????? Now that I'm fat I don't need friends anymore????? I've found that alot here. When I was slim and attractive and had my face in a magazine ohhhh everyone wanted to know me ... everyone was chatty, flirty and so nice!!! Now that I'm fat again ... ohhh boy ... no one wants to know me. Of course we have customers but alot of my "friends" are no where to be seen. How shallow is that???

If one of my friends became fat I wouldn't dream of not being their friend? I couldn't comprehend such a thought process!!

Then this afternoon a rep for cookietime came in to do his usual stockup. I asked him to put in a couple of extra banana flavoured bumper bars because I like them and I treat myself once a week to one and we seem to be selling out of them. To which he replied .... "Ohhhhhh, naughty, naughty!! I'm telling on you! I'll bring out your magazine and next time and remind you not to eat them"

I could have curled up and cried right there and then except for the fact that I'm an adult who has learnt to hide her feelings.

It's one thing to be fat ... it's a whole new game to be fat, get thin, be in a magazine, then get fat again!! It gives everyone the licence to say "naughty, naughty ... tutt, tutt, tutt"

So for today I say Fuck the World!!! I know that sounds harsh ... but I've had a harsh day!! Or a harsh few weeks from a few dickheads!

Lyn

Bad news gone, on with the good

I'm so goooood :)

I've spent the last week on plan, and even with staying at mums. I cooked my own meals at night and ate only fruit for snacks during the day.

Yesterday I woke feeling slim, but knowing I wasn't lol (If that makes sense?) My jeans were still tight but not skin tight.

I did the 'no count' ww plan and loved it. I still feel it is a little restrictive but the positives far outweigh the negatives. It's so good not having to count points any more.

I've definately lost weight this week but don't know how much as I couldn't weigh myself last week. But when I arrived home today my scales had arrived.

I told myself I would be happy with anything in the 80's, but expected to be in the 90's. And I was right ... 94.7kgs ... ouch!!! I've managed to pile on 20kgs in 4mths!! wowsers!!! That's over 1kg a week!

But now that the bad news is over I can get on with the good news ... it's all downwards from here!!

My benchtop oven also arrived so I have baking in the oven some huge flat mushrooms for lunch! yay :)

Bad news is the eliptical trainer was out of stock and they won't be able to supply it so I'll have to choose something else instead.

I had a good week away and the exciting thing albeit slightly bizarre ... I'm officially as of today back living with Bill permanently. We split up for 4mths and for the last 2mths I've been coming back for weekends only. We have made huge progress in our relationship. There's still a long way to go but we're getting there.

Anyway I better go check my mushies before they burn.

Lyn :)

Hoorah!!

Just a quick update to let you know I'm off to stay at my mum's for a few days so won't be able to update till I get back on Friday.

Hopefully by the time I get back our goodies I ordered will have arrived ... finger's crossed!!

Have a great week everyone and see you when I get back!

Lyn :)

The best bargains ever!

As you can tell I've been playing around with my blog and putting my personal touch on it. I just love doing this! Over the next little while I'll be adding a few more bits and pieces and tweaking it here and there. And as soon as I have a start weight I'll add a ticker timer as well. I think it's always nice to go to a blog and see straight away where they have come from and where they plan to go to.

I'm very excited!! Wahooo this could be the thing that gets me motivated again. We belong to a rewards program with Anchor where we earn points for milk we sell in the shop. We've been saving our points up over the past 18mths and now have a balance of over $2000.00 worth of rewards we can 'buy'. It's like the 'flybys' card but for dairy owners who sell Anchor milk.

Anyway so yesterday I went on a spending spree on the computer and 'bought' some goodies for us using our Anchor points.

Here's what we bought ...

Elliptical Trainer

(For me ... heheh!) Whenever I've been to a gym I've lived on these machines, I just love them!

Weights Bench

(For Bill) He's been doing his own weights program at home for a few months now but never had a proper bench to use. He was over the moon that I chose this for him. And of course I'll be able to use it too.

Bodyfat Computer Scales

Now I'll know exactly how much I weigh and can put in a start weight soon ... yay!! Bill laughed when I said I chose scales, especially glass ones. "yeah, yeah, I promise I won't break these ones" I laughed. (I have a habit of getting annoyed with scales and jumping on them!

Benchtop Oven

Our oven has been broken since June of last year, so for nearly a year now I've been cooking meals in a microwave and an electric wok. We bought a second hand oven at a garage sale that on getting it wired in didn't work! So gave up after that. Now finally I can cook in an oven again ... oh the joys of simple pleasures!!

So as you can probably tell a little retail therapy did wonders and the best part ... it didn't cost me a cent!!! Now THAT'S cool!!!

Lyn :)

To be inspired? or not to be

So much for not being to fussy about counting points?? I did a rough countup at the end of the day, thinking I'd done alright. Helloooo!! 42pts later!! Everytime I ate something I ate a healthy version of it and I didn't eat anything that was "unhealthy" but obviously I ate WAY TOO MUCH!!

I can see it's going to take a bit to get back into this points thing. And that's where the no count thing doesn't work for me. I think I subconsciously think ohh I can eat as much as I like. I find it really hard to do the hunger signals part. Maybe points is still the way to go for me.

Problem being I've counted points for 3 yrs and I'm really over counting points. I need something new and inspirational for me to turn that 'lightswitch' on. Because as much as I know I need to do this, I am so not inspired right now. Arrgghghhh it's frustrating!!

There's probably a few things not in my favour here ...

• I'm here working in a shop full of food by myself for a week.
• I have no time to get out to exercise
• It's preweek to TTOM when I get all my sugar cravings
• I don't know how much I actually weigh, not sure why this is a problem. There's part of me that needs to have a starting weight to keep inspired.
• I'm not sleeping very well at the moment so I'm getting tired and grumpy.

But these are actually just excuses. If I was inspired enough I would overcome these hurdles. But to be inspired ... hmmm ... what does that mean??

"inspire"

Pronunciation: in-'spIr
Function: verb

Inflected Form(s): inspired; inspiring
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French & Latin;
Middle French inspirer, from Latin inspirare, from in- + spirare to
breathe transitive senses

1 a : to influence, move, or guide by divine or supernatural
inspiration

From the webster dictionary

Maybe this is my problem.

Maybe inspiration is only a God given thing?

Maybe I need to ask for inspiration? Hmmm definately food for thought.

Lyn :)

Baby steps

I have outgrown nearly ALL my clothes. This is so depressing!! I'm down to around 10 items of clothing of which I have 4 pairs of trousers, well that was until this morning when I got ready for work and I found another pair that I no longer fitted! Grrrr!! So now I'm down to just 3!

I refuse to buy any more because I'm going to fit back into them! I WILL!!

So far I've had WW cereal, s/trim milk and a banana for brekkie and 2 hot cross buns (no butter) for morning tea.

Isn't it so true that when you make a decision to change your eating to lose weight, things automatically come along to test you? And I'm sure this only happens then. Or maybe it's just that we notice it then. I got given a free cornetto icecream this morning. It looked devine and yesterday I would have happily eaten it not giving it a second thought. Not today, although it adds to the feeling of my throat being cut!! I do feel proud of my choice. For now that's all I have to hang onto ... pride!

I'm choosing not to count points at this stage. I'm kindof doing both the "no count" and points plan combined. Basically eating only 'no count' foods but adding a couple of extra things in that I know are good on the points plan. I know I'll probably need to tweek that in a week or so and become more disciplined but it's a far side better than I was eating yesterday!

Anyway I'm doing okay today but then again it's only 10.30am ... I have a long way to go yet!!

Lyn :)

No I didn't drop out of oblivion

I'm not even sure i­f I'm ready for this again.

By "this"... I mean losing weight, blogging about it ... the whole thing. I certainly know that to be successful in losing weight for me I need to blog!

By "ready" ... I mean I have just finished a 150gram packet of Delisio Greek Tzatziki chips of which I don't even want to comprehend the amount of kilojoules or fat I've just consumed.

But for now I'm blogging so that is a huge step for me.

The title of this journal is "journey to slimsville ... again" and by that I mean I have already travelled this road am back at the start having to do it all again. For those of you who don't know me I lost over 28kgs and got to goal of 71kgs and managed to keep it off for a year. Then in December of last year my marriage of 11yrs fell apart. I was faced with the reality of spending the rest of my life alone with four kids to bring up. My husband had become an alcoholic and was starting to abuse me psychologically. According to my sister who is a paramedic and very accustomed to seeing abused wives saw all the signs in me of "battered wife syndrome".

After leaving my husband, who I still very dearly loved, I went through an emotional breakdown and ended up on antidepressants. Even tho I was slim and attractive back then I was a mess! I spent the next 3 months eating my way through oblivion and as expected my weight piled back on. So in three short months I have put on nearly everything I took 2 long years to lose. I vowed I would never let myself get back to my severely obese state yet here I am ... fat again!!

I don't know how much I weigh, I'm too scared to find out just yet.

But it's not all sad news. Through all this horrible stuff I have found myself again. I have learnt about the bad behavior I set up for myself just to cope. Like the avoidance of conflict for one. I would do anything to avoid conflict. I began to compromise my own opinions to stop an argument. I'd say yes to anyone just to keep the peace. And in doing that I lost myself. I lost who I was and what I thought.

As hard as it was to leave my husband, that was the very thing that brought us back together. Yes in a few weeks time I'm moving back home permanently. My husbands drinking is back under control and we are working things out. But it certainly hasn't been easy. I spent 2 months having every manipulating lie thrown at me, laying all the blame on me. Then eventually he started to come round to the fact that he had a problem that he needed to sort out. The day he admitted he needed help was a huge turning point for us. We still have a long road ahead of us with a lot more work still to do but the sun is finally starting to shine on us again.

A big inspiration for me to get back to facing my weight issues again was looking up KiwiJo's journal. She's still going hard ... 4 years after she started!!! Jo you were the original inspiration for me to start journaling and you've done it again! Inspired me to get back on the right road to slimsville ... thankyou again chickey!!!

Lyn :)

Part 2

One night we were sitting chatting together while he was sober and got talking honestly about his drinking. After a period of talking he admitted he had a problem and needed help.

He rang a counsellor the next day and booked an appointment for a weeks time. Maybe this was to be his time for change? The first appointment we were to both go and have lunch with him and his wife. So I counted down the days like a kid waiting for santa.

I didn't get out to socialise much, so when an invite came from a friend to come to her house warming I nervously agreed to go. On the night of the party after closing the shop at 8pm I was really too buggered to go, telling Bill I'd rather stay home and watch telly. I was sure I was coming down with a headache. But he insisted saying I didn't get out much by myself and I had already told her I was coming. So throwing some painkillers down my throat for the head, off I went.

When I got there her and I were the only females amongst all her partners mates. I felt really out of my comfort zone. But decided as I didn't have to worry about anyone but myself, drinkup girlfriend! An hour or so later my friend suggested we go to the pub down the road for a game of pool. I tried to insist that really I was too tired and probably needed to head home to bed. It was Bill's councellor appointment the next day (I didn't tell her that) so knew I couldn't drink too much that night. My friend was very drunk that I knew if she headed off to the pub alone she might get herself in a bit of trouble. So I agreed to go with her, but that I wasn't going to drink anymore and only for one game of pool. And that if anything happened I was gonna drag her arm outa there! She agreed so off we went.

One game of pool later we were walking home and she suggested cutting through the garden to her home which meant jumping off a 4ft retainer wall. I really didn't even think about it, just followed her, watched her jump land and did the same ..... CRACK!!!!! I knew it! I dropped to the ground and told her to call an ambulance. She insisted on just getting some ice and taking my shoe off. I told her "no! Call an ambulance, I know it's broken I heard the crack!" (not being grumpy of course, just very assertive!) She had to call three times because they kept hanging up on her thinking she was a prank caller (yes she was very drunk!! lol) A short while later the ambulance arrived and her and I went for a little drive to Tauranga Hospital (1hr away) in the ambulance.

We left her house around 10.30pm and by the time I got through A&E, had xrays and got given the news it was after 1.30am. I'd totally forgotten to tell Bill. "Hi Bill, ummm ... I'm in Tauranga Hospital, I broke my ankle ... yep it's definately broken ... yeah I'm in here for a little while, they need to operate on it, apparently I need a pin and screws put in ... ummm .... it's a long story... heheh ... ok I'll see you soon".

So at 1.30am he packed the kids up (lucky he hadn't been drinking that night) and got to the hospital at nearly 3am, said a quick hello, picked up my friend and took her home. While I got ready for the ride of my life ..... hospital life .... yuck!!!

Bill rang me the next morning to say he had rang the counsellor first thing the next morning to tell him he couldn't make it to the appointment that day because his wife had broken her ankle and was in hospital waiting for surgery. He'd only arrived home at 5am and up again at 7am to open the shop. He was not in any fit state to drive back to Tauranga for an appointment. The guy went off his nut at him, telling him that he obviously didn't want help and hung up. He never rang back and Bill never rang him back. As disappointed as I was it wasn't meant to be.

I ended up being in hospital for 14 days. Waiting 12 days for surgery with a broken ankle in an open cast ... ouch!!!

Arriving home 2wks later in cast I wasn't allowed to put any weight on my ankle and was house bound for the next 4wks as we have stairs on both exits of the house. Not being outside for 4wks is not a very nice thing. The fiberglass cast went on and I could finally get out of the house and back working in the shop part time. I was then in a moonboot for another 3wks and figured my foot would nearly be back to normal ..... NOT!!

Physio was started, twice weekly at first for the first few months, then weekly. My tendons and ligaments needed a lot of work. Someone told me I would be out of action for a year when I first did this and I didn't believe them. Surely once my cast came off and a bit of physio I would be fine. Ohhh how wrong I was. 4 months of physio and I had most of my movement back but the inward movement still wasn't there. The inward movement of the ankle just wouldn't work (as if you are putting the souls of your feet together). It was siezed! After a physio session she could get it to work but then an hour or so later it just wouldn't. After another few months of physio she realised that the tendon that runs down beside the plate was infact getting stuck behind the plate which was what was giving me so much pain six months later.

She referred me to my doctor who then referred me back to fracture clinic at Tauranga Hospital who then referred me onto my surgeon (all taking many weeks inbetween) who then told my doctor I had to wait till July 07 just to get an appointment!!! I then (on recommendation from the doctors) went to another surgeon who told me to wait 6wks for an appointment ... and I'm still waiting now ....!!!

So my weight all during this time was going up and up!! Now added to the comfort eating, drinking, no self esteem ... was no exercise!! So many days I just wanted to go for a walk and couldn't. I tried one day ... determined ... and lasted 18minutes, but then couldn't work in the shop for the rest of the day as I was just in too much pain.

Then one day out of the blue a lady walked into the shop. She had a beautiful figure, not skinny but curvy. She had a figure very similar to my slim one and she was wearing a pair of my favourite jeans that I used to love when I was at goal. Something clicked in my head. I wanted to look like that again ... and why not?? I know how ... so just do it!!!

And so I decided in that moment that I would only drink once a week and start ww again. Online this time tho, I couldn't face the thought of going back to my old meeting.

So here I am again ... journeying to slimsville :)

Home

Again???

I'm starting again ... again!! Will this journey ever end??? No I don't think so

Part 1

I've been wanting to write this for while but had to wait for the right time as alot of the things to mention are still very tender for me and I get myself too worked up.

But here goes ...

For those of you that faithfully supported me through my first weightloss journey I really, really thankyou for that. And I felt terrible that I just "disappeared". But things were not well with me.

This is what happened ...

In December of 2005 I made the drastic decision of taking my four kids and walking out on my alcoholic husband. I went to various places to stay and because I didn't want to be a burden on any one person I moved around a bit for the first couple of months after settling at my parents until I could work out what to do.

It had all happened so fast and being so unplanned I had to work out what I was going to do long term. I still loved my husband dearly and so desperately wanted him to get help for his drinking.

His drinking had gotten to the stage of damaging our family ... he never physically hurt me or any of the kids but in his drunken stuper he would play mind games with me. And it always felt like it was my fault even tho I never started anything. But he would have a way of making me feel so small and stupid.

As a sober person he is the most fantastic guy. And when I married him 12yrs ago I never dreamed that he could be an alcoholic. During our dating time we had a few drinks here and there but it was never every night and never that much.

But gradually over a period of 5 or 6 yrs his drinking got more and more. Until the stage just before I left when he was consuming up to half a bottle of bourben 6 or 7 nights a week.

As with most alcoholic's partners I hid his problem. Until one night when he showed his true drunkiness to my sister. I was staying for a few days with her at the time and he rang her claiming he knew I was going to leave him and hence he was going to kill himself. I had four kids at home with him at the time and I didn't want them to wake up with no one there.

And I also wanted him to admit he had a problem and get help for his drinking. Until that stage I had made no plans to leave him. I was depressed and had been for the previous 6mths, triggered mostly by the nightly drunken routine he had.

It would start with having a couple of beers at the neighbours place after work then he would come home and get out a few more drinks. I would cringe as he got out the bourben bottle to which he'd reply "It's alright, I'm going to be happy tonight, don't stress out". But drink by drink he would start to turn argumentative.

Before my husband and I split up I managed to maintain my weightloss by focusing on my food intake. But I found that after I left my focus totally shifted. I didn't care about what I looked like anymore. The thought that our marriage might be over was almost too much for me to take. I crumbled into a big emotional mess!

I just wanted my husband back, not the one with the drinking problem but the one that I married. I believed he was still in there somewhere.

Over the next 3mths he turned into an angry, bitter man. I'd never seen that side of him before. I'd seen him drunk and argumentative but never ANGRY. And especially angry sober. He started calling me late at night. Our conversation would start of polite but very quickly he would start verbally attacking me and try to manipulate me into coming back. I told him the only way I could go back was for him to stop drinking and go to AA. This didn't go down very well. He felt I was overreacting to his drinking.

My emotions went downhill. Thoughts of suicide started entering my head. I knew I needed to get help before I did anything silly. My sister and I had become very close during this time, she was a huge support for me. Times when I wanted to go running back to him (which was almost daily) she stood up to me and said no, sometimes even taking my keys from me. At times I hated her for that but knew she was right. I just wanted this big mess to go away, and go back to playing happy families again. And the answer at the time was to run back even tho I knew it wouldn't fix anything.

My sister is a paramedic and she sees the result of abuse daily in her job. She sees the mess at the end when guys have dragged their wives down the road behind a car by their hair. And she was going to do everything in her power to stop me going back, because she felt that if I did go back to him that would be me in the future.

Although I knew Bill had a drinking problem, he was never violent to me. He has never laid a hand on me in our 13yrs together and I just couldn't see him ever doing that. But the research I did about alcoholics told me otherwise. This spun my head. One minute I saw him as a victim of alcohol, the next he was the perpetrator.

I just couldn't see a way out of the situation, and the daily mental drain was wearing me down. I remember my sister saying to me "you need to divorce him and move on, if you ever go back to him no one will take you seriously if you ever want to leave again". I knew what she was saying was true about needing to do it once and do it right but I just couldn't face the fact of permanently leaving him. It's almost like a grieving process I had to go through.

But at the end of the day I really didn't want to leave him for good, I just wanted him to change his drinking. So I was torn between trying and move on and wanting to come back. I remember feeling like I was snapping emotionally. I couldn't stop crying. All I would do all day was sit and play patience on the computer while my kids watched tv. I couldn't face leaving the house, the thought of having to see or talk to anyone was just too much. I literally sat infront of the computer screen going over and over and over patience for 8hrs straight until everyone got home from work. The only time I left the computer chair was to get a sandwich or glass of water for the kids.

I think part of it was I had so many people around me wanting me to make major decisions and had so much conflicting advice and sometimes advice I didn't want to hear, that I just couldn't face making any decisions at all ... about anything!!! Even little things like deciding what to cook for dinner was just too much!!

I wanted to get medication to treat my problems but had conflicting advice from my sister as she'd seen the bad side of antidepressants. It took me a few weeks to work up the courage but in the end I went on my own without her knowing.

I felt so much shame sitting in the doctors room, secretly with no one knowing I was there, and him asking me all these personal questions. For so long I had held it all together and this made me such a failure. Finally admitting I couldn't cope was just complete uselessness in my mind. Admitting I'd had suicidal thoughts again was failing. I'd grown up in an environment where you didn't air your laundry in public. Chin up and soldier on was how I felt I should be reacting. I was put on arrapax and hid them deep in my handbag ashamed for even having them.

Over the next two weeks my emotions slowly got better. It didn't take the pain or problems away but it gave me a clearer head to make decisions. And it stopped the continuous crying. I certainly still cried ... every day. But there became patches when I could stop crying.

What I didn't know about antidepressants is apparently a side effect is weight gain. So adding that to the "I don't care what I look like anymore" attitude my weight slowly crept up. It didn't pile on at first. In the first 3mths I had put on 10-15kgs ... ok yeah so it probably did pile on pretty quickly lol.

Given that we still owned a business together Bill was requesting that I travel home to work in the shop for a day as he didn't feel it was appropriate for me not to work at all. So once a week I began travelling back on a Friday night and leaving on Sunday afternoon. And every second weekend I'd take the kids so he could spend time with them.

This stirred my emotions even more. As I walked back in the house I imagined everything was normal. Looking back it was quite bizzare. I'd just act as if everything was perfect and we were happily married for that one day a week. There was definately still tension there and while his drinking had slowed down it hadn't stopped altogether. And I started to think that maybe I was over reacting to his drinking. Maybe it was just all me. Obviously everyone in my home town knew we'd split up but they had a very slanted story. So I'd get hounded from certain ones as to why can't I just come home. Then I'd go back to my parents and my world would change again. I felt I was being pulled from both sides and knew that everyone had the right intentions for their advice, but it was all too much.

In late March 06 I made the decision to move back together with Bill. I knew his drinking hadn't stopped altogether but I could see it had slowed down. And I truelly felt he'd changed. And I was tired of all the caotic advice that I decided to listen to my own heart which told me to go back. Whether or not I did the right thing I don't know and I still battle with that. Most days I say yes I did, but on a bad day everything changes.

On top of that our business accounts were a mess. No bills had been paid all summer and we had no money in the bank. With me gone Bill had to employ far too many staff and all our profits went out on wages.

For the next few months I saw Bill's drinking increase again and I felt helpless to do anything. This time I didn't have my family to turn to (remembering my sister words) I'm sure they would have supported me if it came to the crunch but I didn't want to be one of those women who leave and go back and leave and go back. So I decided for now I had to stay regardless of his drinking.

I had to find other ways of coping. And of course my old habits quickly returned. I comfort ate like there was no tomorrow. And I started drinking too. When I was drunk it dulled the pain. The pain of my marriage, the pain of being in debt, and the pain of being fat again!!! This is where my weight really started to pile on. My clothes were only fitting me for an average of 6-8wks before I got too fat for them and had to move to another bigger size. I so knew I need to lose weight but why? who cares? I didn't anymore.

Sadly with my weight piling back on I began losing friends. I know that sounds shocking and shallow but it was true. One by one they stopped calling and avoided my invites. I lost all bar a small few because I was once again fat. I was even told by a member of my ww meeting that they were chatting about me one day saying "have you guys seen Lyn? She's put on HEAPS of weight!!" One lady suggested they pop in to see me but was quickly squashed with the words "no we'd be the last people she'd want to see". And true to their word they all stopped shopping with us and avoided me in the street.

One night Bill's drinking was really bad and I needed to call the cops on him. They checked on him and he was asleep by this stage so they let him sleep. While I was waiting at the police station for my dad to come the police officer saw someone opening our car door. He ran after the guy and chased him down the back of a block of shops. The policeman was telling him to get on the ground but he wouldn't listen. The guy had a bottle of lighter fluid and a lighter in his hand and the cop didn't want to take any chances and pepper sprayed him, put him in handcuffs and arrested him. It was Bill. I told the cop to lay charges, hoping this would be the shock to change him. He was charged with "posession of a dangerous weapon with intent to use". His day in court resulted in a $150 fine and a piece of paper forbidding him to enter into any licensed premises for a period of six months.

I so wanted to believe that this scare with the law would shock him into not drinking but it wasn't to be. His drinking continued even with the liquor ban. He still found ways to get it, smoozing up to mates to get it for him.

Continued ....